To not go to parents wedding anniversary do

[Blueysworld123]

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us. We just don’t have any help or support near us so sadly she is less exposed to new people or anyone looking after her and gets very unsettled easily. Due to circumstances we turn down wedding/social invites where we are unable to take our child or it is after their bedtime at 7pm. For context my parents have never offered to babysit, change a nappy or even help out when they see us. They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings. We absolutely love our child and spending time with them so we are happy with missing social events we would have ordinarily loved to attend and don’t feel like we are missing out. We are just at a new family stage of our lives, which is lovely given we are nearly 40 and didn’t thing we would have any children.

My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It is a nighttime do. They have made it clear that we are expected to attend. We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare! Whilst not ideal timings, we are going to attend for the first hour as it would allow us to see relatives who haven’t yet met our child / we haven’t seen in a long time. Including my siblings as we are not very close (for example none of them have made any the effort to come and see my child since it was born). We really aren’t comfortable hiring a babysitter that we don’t know and feel it would be stressful for her to have a babysitter in a house she doesn’t know. She finds it hard to settle at bedtime when we anywhere other than her bedroom at home.

My parents are hiring a marquee to put in a neighbouring field to their house. They are not hiring portaloos and people will be using the toilets in the main house. They have invited 70 people. They are not very happy that we are only attending for an hour and are pushing for us to use the baby monitor and leave our child in the house on their own when they are asleep as the field is within their wider estate and therefore ‘house’ and as such we wouldn’t be leaving them alone. I am not comfortable with this approach and also think it would really be against the law to leave an infant this way? They now want me to make a speech (for context none of my other siblings ever need to make a speech at their numerous events, it is always me). If we don’t leave our child on their own they want my partner to stay in the house with our child (8pm onwards) and for me to attend the event. For context my partner cares for their disabled parent on top of working long hours and taking the bulk of the care for our child. I feel leaving them alone would be unfair. They have a huge celebration regarding life events fairly frequently and we have always attended the previous events. They have also asked that we set up the event space during the day so we would be helping them out then.

Am I being unreasonable to attend their event but only staying for the first hour?

Totally.

I mean I find it odd we have 3 toddlers under 3 and there's nothing they enjoy more than a family get together and then we pop them to bed and take turns to pop in every so often to check them in my parents house and we've done this since small and there happy campers. Funny enough it was my parents 40th anniversary last weekend and they had great fun, didnt stick to there normal bed there allowed to stay up later pottering about with there cousins etc and then once I see them flagging scooped them up,nappy change,bed and milk and they dropped off within minutes.Had a lovely night

Take your child's buggy and let them sleep in that during the party. Both my kids slept in their prams when they were at family parties. There will be plenty of people there to help keep your child occupied, one late night won't hurt them.

For occasions like this, my husband would come for an hour and then stay with the child. Similarly if it was a function for his family/friends I would take the baby after an hour. I had a group of friends up over the weekend and the husband did exactly this. The "he works long hours so can't possibly leave the party after an hour to look after his child" is a but of a weak excuse.

However they all seem like excuses and in reality you maybe just don't want to go or iike your family that much and are finding any tenuous reason not to. Which is fine but may have long term affects on your relationship with them.

I think you are being a bit anxious about this.You say your DC hasn't met many of her extended family what a great opportunity for her. I'm sure many Mumsnetters have had DC's who like routine and familiarity and who might get ratty when overtired. I'm sure if you take your child with a Buggy or the option to put her to put her to bed in the house it will work itself out. She will either enter in to the occasion and love all the attention or be horrified and overwhelmed and has to be taken out and put to bed, or she will run about with great gusto and collapse in her buggy and sleep through it all.
Don't not go, reconnect with your family, let her meet her cousins, and the worst case scenario either you or DH will have to stay with her in the bedroom, but don't not go.

I dont consider myself to be an overly ‘fussy’ mum but my three kids are great sleepers and I credit that to the fact that I’ve always kept their sleep routines relatively steady. My MIL insisted that we brought my daughter to a big family party when she was 2. She was FOUL and wouldn’t let me put her down without kicking off. So I took her back to my in laws for the night and seethed that I’d lined up a babysitter which my MIL had insisted I cancelled and then I was the one sat on my own while the rest of the family partied the night away. Since then I’ve been far more firm in making the plans that work best for us. There’s no way I’d be leaving her with a monitor in a building with so much footfall.

If it were me I’d probably say ‘we’ll stretch bed time by an extra half an hour or so depending on how she’s getting on, but after that we will all be heading off for the night. Happy to see anyone the next day for brunch before we drive home’.

It’s tricky trying to please everyone isn’t it? I wouldn’t have left my toddlers with a random babysitter they didn’t know either - but would probably try & stretch out how long your toddler could stay up on the night. As they get older, they can manage a bit more time. If it was my husband’s parents, I’d happily take toddler to bed when they’ve had enough & let him enjoy the time with his relatives - it’s a one off anniversary & you might really enjoy it. As the one taking the toddler to bed, I might be happy for an early night!!

This.
I get that you have a routine but a routine that can't be broken is ridiculous. It's a one off. Take your child with you and enjoy the event. Plus it is still months away.
I would under no circumstances leave my child in the house alone whilst you are in a neighbouring field.

Yes! I like this solution!!

I think they want you there for appearances.

I wouldn't blame you for not bothering

I’m another one who wouldn’t alter DDs sleep routines too much mostly because she would become impossible and cranky.
For this I probably would, but I wouldn’t leave her alone, not in a strange place with strange people, I’d take turns with DH and stretch out the night a bit. I would also let her stay up and run about, DD would probably gotten hyper and difficult but it’s the way it is. And she’d probably be awful the next day. But I’d suck it up.

I think the worst mistake your parents have made is not getting a portaloo or two with all those people.

We’ve been invited to many family celebrations on DHs side over the years, increasingly they have become over 18 only because of licensing laws in places. This is much harder to deal with as, all our babysitters would be at the party, MIL wouldn’t allow a ‘stranger’ to sit in her house whilst we are out. So DH often went alone.

I see both sides and think there are two separate issues here. I think you are being very unreasonable and rigid about your child, so what they stay up a bit later than usual, let you partner stay with them so you can be at your family party. BTW your toddler can’t tell the time I’m guessing so has no way of knowing they are up past their bedtime, this is a you issue. Let them stay up until they get tired. Let them meet new people and have fun with family and cousins etc. you should do this for the benefit of your child.

i think the issue here is you don’t want to show any flexibility. You sound bitter and twisted about your family for whatever reason. Some people just aren’t bothered about babies, my own dad said bring them round when they are 2, he was never interested in my children as babies but he is the best GP to them now. Maybe you parent don’t make an effort because of your clear hostility towards them.

You’re being very precious. Your child isn’t socialised and sounds like they need to be. Yes structure and routine like bedtime are important but you can’t not attend anything again because of having a child. There are so many options listed in this thread but it’s clear you just don’t want to go because you think you’re entitled to there help and don’t get it. Very princessy

If this was a 'normal' family set up I'd be pushing the babysitter/take it in turns

But you're obviously the black sheep/workhorse of the family. You'll be doing set up break down and speeches. That sounds like a lot of hassle for people who don't actually seem to value you and your family.

It looks more like you'll be expected to be showed off, here she is, then you can do a speech about how great we are, then you can tidy up, then you can drive home.

Tbh I'd be super enthusiastic about it all. Then on the day of you having to set off, sadly you and dd have come down with a vomiting bug. Sorry you had to send a text but you're not up to calling atm. So sorry etc.
send a card.

And I wouldn't be wasting my annual leave on people like this. Try some therapy it might be enlightening. Good luck

I think you should go alone for a night, enjoy yourself and leave your child and partner at home. That is surely going to be most relaxing for you?

My DD was similar at that age, she needed to go to bed on time and she couldn’t be left with a sitter. Literally no one but me and DP. We once kept her up late cause DP’s mum kicked off at a family do that I wanted to leave at 5pm to get her home for bedtime. I was being precious and ridiculous apparently! DD completely lost her shit when we got home as I knew she would and I let DP deal with her - he always listened to me after that.

DD’s now 5 and will stay up late for parties and tolerate a good range of babysitters. All the snarky judgement about keeping a child in routine pisses me off - kids are different it is not one size fits all.

@forrestgreen they're not wasting their annual leave - if you read the thread you'll know that of the 5 occasions the grandparents have seen the toddler, only one was when the OP visited. Other 4 occasions were grandparents coming to the OP or days out in other places.

Looks like the OP has shot herself in the foot with inconsistencies in her attempt to make herself look like she's been wronged.

This is what the OP actually wrote about the 5 occasions the grandparents have met the toddler:

• newborn trip to visit us for 2 nights, timed so they could go to a reunion up this way too
• we visited them when child was 12 weeks old for a week so that child could also meet other siblings (as no one contacted us about visiting us to meet new baby)
• met for a picnic 45mins from their house whilst we were en route to London where I needed to go for major operation (general anaesthetic)
• met in London for the day (2 hrs travel for both), parent spent half the day in the Apple shop sorting out their phone (which still worked but had scratch) other parent wanted a new hat! Showed very little enthusiasm for grandchild or doing something they would like, such as park!
• they came to visit us for weekend

So, the OP visited them once for a week when the child was 12 weeks old. The grandparents have visited the OP twice, they've done one day out in London and one picnic when the OP was en route to London anyway.

It may well be that the relationship is crap and the OP should feel no obligation to go to the party - but there's an awful lot of spinning of facts going on here! No way are the OP and her husband using all their annual leave to visit!

while I think your parents sound demanding its very odd you think your husband in a room with your sleeping toddler while you attend a family event is not a good idea. I don't get the not being fair bit - its a one off celebration not a weekly thing.

You sound very bitter and resentful and that's the actual reason you don't want to go. That's fine but maybe you need to talk these feelings through properly with a counsellor / friend.

Regarding the toddler. In all honesty you're not the first / only person to have a toddler. Yes it's hard work, you swop in and out if you're lucky enough to have a partner/DH, you acclimatise them to a babysitter if you're lucky enough to have spare cash etc.
If you want to go, you'll make it work. We have all been there with tired and grumpy toddlers, it's par for the course but you suck it up and make an effort if you actually want to go and support other people's celebrations.

You don't actually want to go so it's a different issue!

Unless the parental house and gardens are vast, I can’t see that using a baby monitor and checking up regularly is such an issue. You could lock the bedroom door?

From this: They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings.
It sounds like you are quite jealous. If you don't want to go, tell them.
I don't know why your partner can't look after their own child for a couple of hours?

I think you're being a bit ridiculous. Just go, enjoy as much time with family and the party as you can. You don't need to limit it to an hour.

When toddler is tired, you go back home and put them to bed. Then depending on if you are tired and want to return to the party, you go and leave partner, or you both stay home.

It's really not a big deal. No one is actually going to care on the day. Your partner is perfectly capable of lying in bed in the house with a sleeping toddler (god, I'd love this!) while you return to the party if you want. Or you both just go to bed.

Unless the parental house and gardens are vast, I can’t see that using a baby monitor and checking up regularly is such an issue. You could lock the bedroom door

A) Have you heard of Madeleine McCann?
B) That’s inappropriate in the event of an emergency and someone needing to evacuate a child quickly/easily. Plus, not all bedrooms have locks on (for this reason I suspect). I’ve never had a bedroom door with a lock.

This, in spades.

There’s so much more to this than you being a bit PFB, you’re not supported by them, you’ve muddled along, and they have unreasonable expectations of you considering how much effort they put in with you.

I hate these hoards when someone mentions a clingy child and the inevitable “just find a babysitter”. Unless you’ve had - clingy child, you just don’t get it.

I would probably do the leaving DH with DC, and heading back to the party once they’re settled, but I’m a people pleaser.

No is a full sentence. You don't want to do it. Say NO. Just keep repeating NO. No. No. No.......