To not go to parents wedding anniversary do

[Blueysworld123]

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us. We just don’t have any help or support near us so sadly she is less exposed to new people or anyone looking after her and gets very unsettled easily. Due to circumstances we turn down wedding/social invites where we are unable to take our child or it is after their bedtime at 7pm. For context my parents have never offered to babysit, change a nappy or even help out when they see us. They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings. We absolutely love our child and spending time with them so we are happy with missing social events we would have ordinarily loved to attend and don’t feel like we are missing out. We are just at a new family stage of our lives, which is lovely given we are nearly 40 and didn’t thing we would have any children.

My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It is a nighttime do. They have made it clear that we are expected to attend. We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare! Whilst not ideal timings, we are going to attend for the first hour as it would allow us to see relatives who haven’t yet met our child / we haven’t seen in a long time. Including my siblings as we are not very close (for example none of them have made any the effort to come and see my child since it was born). We really aren’t comfortable hiring a babysitter that we don’t know and feel it would be stressful for her to have a babysitter in a house she doesn’t know. She finds it hard to settle at bedtime when we anywhere other than her bedroom at home.

My parents are hiring a marquee to put in a neighbouring field to their house. They are not hiring portaloos and people will be using the toilets in the main house. They have invited 70 people. They are not very happy that we are only attending for an hour and are pushing for us to use the baby monitor and leave our child in the house on their own when they are asleep as the field is within their wider estate and therefore ‘house’ and as such we wouldn’t be leaving them alone. I am not comfortable with this approach and also think it would really be against the law to leave an infant this way? They now want me to make a speech (for context none of my other siblings ever need to make a speech at their numerous events, it is always me). If we don’t leave our child on their own they want my partner to stay in the house with our child (8pm onwards) and for me to attend the event. For context my partner cares for their disabled parent on top of working long hours and taking the bulk of the care for our child. I feel leaving them alone would be unfair. They have a huge celebration regarding life events fairly frequently and we have always attended the previous events. They have also asked that we set up the event space during the day so we would be helping them out then.

Am I being unreasonable to attend their event but only staying for the first hour?

Am I the only one who finds it utterly baffling that people expect you to care how long they have been married for? Anniversaries while lovely for the couple to celebrate their achievement should be kept for the couple in my opinion not turned into some big song and dance with family speeches etc 🙄

To be honest I'd see your mum in law as the better reason not to be able to commit, or to fulfill your parents other wants. If she is housebound, disabled and at end of life, is simply say that you recognise that the celebration is important to them, but that you simply don't have the headspace for conversations about it and planning for it, while your mother in law is dying.

Having bad a high needs, sensitive, clingy baby, I fully get your anxieties around putting your dc to sleep and not wanting her to be distressed or overstimulated. my child grew out of it, but in their own time. I wanted to keep things as calm and happy for dc, because it was easier for me too. and Honestly what mother wouldn't want their child to be comfortable and happy? I was sensitive to their needs and introduced them to new situations and people gradually. So I get you. people saying you are making a rod for your own back and being precious probably had easier babies.

One thing I would say is, your parents aren't very nice people, they don't put themselves out for you, favour your siblings and their dc, so why on earth are you feeling like you must go, help them set up, make a speech, while stressing about your child getting overtired and distressed? Why are they insisting you make a speech? they seem very self obsessed with all their celebrations and big events, but you don't have to be a bit character in their lives. I would stay home or stick to my guns, not do a speech, and stay for an hour. Be the main character in your own life. put your child's needs first.

This isn’t considered an adequate response either. They feel mother in law should be in a care home and that my partner should be visiting once a month!

To be honest I think my partner probably will pull out last minute, they have a lot on mentally and I don’t think they would enjoy a party of any kind. But then if partner doesn’t make the trip I can’t take toddler on own without having to sit in room on own! Staying for a shorter period all together was the compromise. I think we will probably end up cancelling completely. Ironically I don’t think they know when our anniversary is and they were actually at the wedding!

This. If you don't want to go don't go. But I would recommend you start aclimating your children. God forbid an emergency where they have to be taken care of by a sitter they will be a mess. It's unfair to them.

They won't accept anything as an adequate reason for missing their event, because they are entitled people, and from that post, they seem to be completely lacking in empathy and compassion. You have to learn to be ok with them not accepting your reasons, and do it anyway.

Google FOG....fear,obligation, guilt. Thats what you have.

They wont take no for an answer...why not? Because they know that you will cave as that is what you have always done. Say no 20 times of asking and then say yes the 21st time because you just want them to shut up and all you have taught them is that they need to ask 21 times to get what they want.

Say no and then dont go. Simple. Whats the worst that could happen? A tantrum? Threats? Emotional blackmail? And then what? Nothing. They cant have an argument on their own, so dont give any defence or excuse

"We cant come because....." wont work as they will always find a way that (they think) you can come. Instead....

"I am afraid we cant make the party, hope you have a lovely time"
"Why cant you come?! We want blah blah"
"We cant make it but as I said, I am sure you will have a lovely time"

That way, whether they dont like hearing no, it doesnt matter because that is what they got and you saw it through.

Your problem isnt the fact that you say no and they dont listen, its that you say no and then cave in. Every. Single. Time.

This all seems to stem from your bitterness, rather than any actual difficulty in what they are planning. If you don't want a sitter (I wouldn't either tbh) then one parent going off with a small child once they are knackered is totally normal.

And maybe they aren't great at setting away from home, but this is something that needs practice, and staying at home isn't going to help.

Them only seeing your baby 5 times isn't actually that bad presuming that you're child had only recently turned 1 (which I'm taking from the 'very young toddler' comment) and given they live so far away. That those were short visits isn't great, but equally, you've only visited them once in this time. I'm confused how you've used up all your annual leave in going to see them once when baby was a newborn and you wouldn't have even been at work.

Personally, I'd go and make it work. Yes what I've done with numerous issues, celebrations, weddings etc with babies and young children.

But equally, you aren't me, and if your bitterness and upset at your parents is such that your don't want to go, then don't. I don't think how you feel it's unreasonable, and it's sad that they don't seem to have the same interest in your baby as your siblings. But that's what this is about. Your toddler being hard to settle is pretty low down in the grand scheme of things.

I think from your last update, from your partners point of view, with all the stress he has and the insensitive comments from your parents about his mother that it would be a very uncomfortable event for him after a 5 hour drive, especially if he's going to have to spend the rest of the time upstairs with toddler whilst you give speeches.
They've already said they want you there early to set up and do the speech. It sounds as though one of the reasons they are insisting you attend to be a general party helper.

I don't think you need to feel guilty that DD is currently difficult re bedtimes etc. None of this would be a problem if the event started in the afternoon- it is the summer after all.
Life, and attending events like this will be easier when your DD gets a little bit older, like her cousins.

I think you should tell DPs what you feel and think; about MIL's bad health and DH's difficulties etc - how v. disappointed you are about so many things concerning them and that you can't come to their party and certainly do not want to make any witty speech telling everyone how wonderful they are etc. You will then have burnt your bridges with DPs - or they may become more understanding and helpful - or they may just disinherit you. Good luck.

Being asked to give a speech is quite a compliment really, particularly when you have several siblings. Ask them for stories to include.

Don't leave your child in a room alone, if you're not actually in the house I wouldn't want to rely on a baby monitor having sufficient range. You and your partner could take turns sitting with your toddler, if they aren't OK being kept up later or sleeping in their buggy. Presumably if another sibling (and their children) are leaving at 9 pm then your family can duck out then as well.

It's tough that your parents don't seem to be making much effort to build a relationship with your child but it doesn't sound as if you are very welcoming to them either. Your life is understandably busy with your MiL though.

Forcing you to do a speech is the bigger issue. Tell them you won’t be doing a speech and if they make a huge fuss decline going altogether (in which case you don’t even have to think of babysitting logistics).

It sounds like they just don’t care about what you want generally.

It’s clearly not a compliment. It’s work and only the op gets asked to do work for her parents, the rest of the siblings get support from her parents.

I mean, they can expect whatever they want….doesn’t mean its going to happen though 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t go at all. It sounds like a huge faff for lots of extra work and no real benefit to you, DP or your DC. You’ve got enough going on with MIL without this unnecessary fuss.

You don’t sound as if you’ve got a good relationship with them so maybe now is the time to stand up for yourself and just say no.

This is a situation where you both can’t be happy.
They’re not going to be happy unless they get everything that they have (unreasonably) requested.
You’re not going to be happy if you go along with this.

I’m a big believer in putting your own happiness first. Don’t go. Politely decline and stay strong.
(Also, start prioritizing your own family and take holidays, rather than let resentment grow by prioritizing those who aren’t prioritizing you).

I was very clingy.
My parents never went out and and once when they got the chance to go to a fancy party, my mum got all dressed up and my dad put on a suit.
When they began to leave, I had a MAJOR MELTDOWN (so my dad told me later) and Mum didn’t care - she wanted to go. But Dad was a softie and he wouldn’t leave.
Mum was PISSED OFF. Her one chance to be with adults and have adult conversations and cocktails and get away from 3 children was ruined.
And it was all my fault.
It’s your parents. It’s their party. They’ll miss you but there’ll be lots of people there and they’ll be busy with everybody else so your absence won’t be as bad as you think it will.
But I’m sure they’d love it if you attended.
I hope whatever you decide that everyone is happy and there aren’t any hard feelings.

I think you could benefit from being a bit more chilled out about stuff tbh. Therr’sca lot of irrelevant waffle in your posts.

Options:

Don’t go if you really don’t want to, and tell them that. You’re adult and you don’t have to do what they say. You don’t have to make a speech either. They can’t make you.

You all go, relax about it. Bring a buggy for snoozing.

No reason why you can’t go alone and leave DC with your partner. My family and oldest friends live hours away and i’ve been to see them several times without my family in tow. Just like i have my kids when DH wants to go away.

@Blueysworld123 if you don't want to go, don't go! Your parents can't insist that you attend!

However there are a couple of things which seem very inconsistent in your posts: you say your kids have never been left with a babysitter and how clingy the toddler is but you also mention you both work full time so presumably the kids are used to other carers and are more socialised than you're trying to make out. As you clearly use full time child care it's not that much of a leap to get them used to a babysitter so that you and your dh can socialise (even if you choose not to go to this particular social event!)

Secondly, when you list the 5 occasions your parents have seen your toddler, only one of them is when you actually visited your parents! The others are your parents visiting you, or meeting elsewhere for a day out, picnic etc So actually, it's not true that you spend all your annual leave visiting them (as you claimed earlier) and neither have you made any more effort than they have!

You've clearly got some gripe going on because you seem eaten up with resentment about something. But your story is full of holes.

With that distance, GP being busy with other grandkids, and OP working FT, 5 times in a year is heaps!

I think OP is treating their child like a PFB ( kind of fair enough) and OP's parents are treating bub like baby no 4 (also kind of fair enough, although I understand how frustrating that would be for OP).

I was thinking the same @lizzowhiz

Who had dd when you are at work

@Blueysworld123 sounds like you haven't made any effort to go and see your parents

Yes I get it's a long drive but stay over

It sounds like you really don't want to go - and that's also a legitimate position. If you don't want to go just be really polite and say so.

Maybe you feel that you can't refuse?

But the benefit of going even for the beginning would be your dc sees their people. Parties are exciting for kids and then maybe you could put the baby to bed and you could go back to the party and your DH could stay with the child. I think if that works for you then just be clear about it. But it's also good to be apart from a partner IME.

I just don’t understand a lot of this.

Of course you can’t leave your child in the house unattended, and with a baby monitor. That’s madness. But, I don’t understand why your DH can’t take your child to the house at 7pm and then put them to bed/sit with them. Why on earth would you both need to do it? Common sense says that as it’s your family, he goes back and does bedtime, and you stay.

The speech thing is odd, if you don’t want to do it, tell them and if they say you have to, tell them you don’t and you are not so make other arrangements now.

The 5 hour away and using up annual leave is odd. Does one or both of you work weekends? If so, I understand, if not I’m confused. My in-laws lived a good 5-6hr away and when we visited we managed it in a day. Up at 5, in car by 5.30 (in pj’s), stop at McD’s drive through few hours later and chuck the food over. Get there 11.30. Leave at 3.30/4. Same with McD on way back and they would sleep in car. Do it on Sat so cruisy day Sun if anyone was out of whack from day before. Kids never combusted from a pj day or rare McD (these are the same casinos we left it for).

Well, there’s a lot going on here.

You’re both very, very precious parents. Fine. That’s your choice. But that’s not the real issue here, the real issue seems to be that you cannot stand your parents and are harbouring a fuck ton of resentment over various things.

Thinking the same as others, who looks after your toddler when you’re both working full time?

Who looks after your MIL when your husband is working?

If you’ve only visited your parents once, you can’t possibly have used all your annual leave in visiting them.

Why are you tasked with writing the speech when they are apparently much closer to your sibling?

I’m not saying all this to pick holes in your story, I just think you are skewing your perception to fit your narrative - which is basically, you don’t want to go.

I leave my sleeping children, one of which is a baby, asleep in the house while I go out and about to the farm to do last checks. I sometimes check in on the monitor to see the baby. My children are very, very reliable sleepers though, so I never feel worried. Probably a bit different during a boozy, noisy party.