To not go to parents wedding anniversary do

[Blueysworld123]

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us. We just don’t have any help or support near us so sadly she is less exposed to new people or anyone looking after her and gets very unsettled easily. Due to circumstances we turn down wedding/social invites where we are unable to take our child or it is after their bedtime at 7pm. For context my parents have never offered to babysit, change a nappy or even help out when they see us. They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings. We absolutely love our child and spending time with them so we are happy with missing social events we would have ordinarily loved to attend and don’t feel like we are missing out. We are just at a new family stage of our lives, which is lovely given we are nearly 40 and didn’t thing we would have any children.

My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It is a nighttime do. They have made it clear that we are expected to attend. We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare! Whilst not ideal timings, we are going to attend for the first hour as it would allow us to see relatives who haven’t yet met our child / we haven’t seen in a long time. Including my siblings as we are not very close (for example none of them have made any the effort to come and see my child since it was born). We really aren’t comfortable hiring a babysitter that we don’t know and feel it would be stressful for her to have a babysitter in a house she doesn’t know. She finds it hard to settle at bedtime when we anywhere other than her bedroom at home.

My parents are hiring a marquee to put in a neighbouring field to their house. They are not hiring portaloos and people will be using the toilets in the main house. They have invited 70 people. They are not very happy that we are only attending for an hour and are pushing for us to use the baby monitor and leave our child in the house on their own when they are asleep as the field is within their wider estate and therefore ‘house’ and as such we wouldn’t be leaving them alone. I am not comfortable with this approach and also think it would really be against the law to leave an infant this way? They now want me to make a speech (for context none of my other siblings ever need to make a speech at their numerous events, it is always me). If we don’t leave our child on their own they want my partner to stay in the house with our child (8pm onwards) and for me to attend the event. For context my partner cares for their disabled parent on top of working long hours and taking the bulk of the care for our child. I feel leaving them alone would be unfair. They have a huge celebration regarding life events fairly frequently and we have always attended the previous events. They have also asked that we set up the event space during the day so we would be helping them out then.

Am I being unreasonable to attend their event but only staying for the first hour?

If you don't want to go, don't go. But a late night at a family party isn't going to hurt your child. Even if they tend to not like late nights, party time is different. And if not, then your husband can go back to the house with her and put her to bed while you stay with the family and party the night away.

But it sounds like you don't want to go, you sound very bitter about the moving away, so don't go.

The people saying just keep them up late clearly didn’t have the kind of kid that needed to be in bed at a certain time. My DD needed to be in bed by 7pm if I kept her up later she was a nightmare and she’d be a nightmare the next day too. My idea of fun isn’t trying to keep a toddler from melting down every 5 seconds.
I wouldn’t go at all. I certainly would never leave my child in a house with strangers wandering around.

As a pp said, five visits from them from five hours away, in a young toddlers life, isn't all that bad, surely?

And they're hardly going to show more interest if you are going to show no interest in their big celebration (which would mean seeing all the other members of your family too).

This is going to end up being tit for tat with more and more resentment. You can hardly expect them to treat your sister as if she lives five hours away 'in the interests of fairness'.
Nor can you expect grandparents who must be getting older, to frequently drive for ten hours to see you/babysit.

If course when they're older and need support, you'll be sitting pretty while your sister does all the work.

Yeah, I think this too.

if you do go, you don’t have to write/give a speech. Tell them you’re not doing it.

I think you're being a little inflexible here. They are your parents, it would he nice to attend their big do wouldn't it?
Who's watching the other children?
Get your husband to put the baby to bed, in the house. Then take it in turns to go up an down to her, if you don't want a babysitter!
Alternatively, go on your own?

There are times in this world where you have to put yourself out, my father was always admired for “being there” and I want to be thought of as the same, eventually you will gain that respect. So put yourself to the effort, stop finding excuses and go to your parents wedding anniversary and enjoy it! Just say no to the speech!

It sounds like they’ve lived their life without much thought or interest in you and your child, so they don’t get to guilt you into attending or making a speech to keep up appearances. Do whatever suits you.

I wouldn’t be doing a 10 hour round trip with a toddler for people who didn’t bother to visit us.

Do a speech.

But make it an honest one...

How is your toddler going to learn to have a babysitter if they never have one? Learn to manage a different routine if they never have one? Get socialised if you prevent them socialising?

There are lots of ways you could plan for this event to make it work. But unless you expose a child gradually to different situations and scenarios they won't learn to manage them.

Go to the party relax and enjoy it , let your child mix with the other children and forget the7 o ‘clock bedtime. Take a pram and warm blanket and put them in that so they can sleep when tired .

Refuse to do the speech.
agree to go and just sneak off for an early night with you partner and your child.

This is bringing back memories of the big family parties I was made to attend as a child. I hated them. Dressing up in uncomfortable "nice" clothes and shoes ... feeling sick from the long car ride ... being greeted by a sea of unfamiliar faces ... nothing to do but talk and eat ... and eventually trying to fall asleep on the inevitable pile of coats, so uncomfortable, and the grownups' voices so loud in the other room.

I think you’re being ridiculous and uptight. You all go to the party, toddler goes to bed when over it (which will be past 7pm), then DH takes toddler to bed while you stay on having a good time.
the whole thing doesn’t revolve around you and your child, you must know that deep down.
you need to lighten up. Everyone will think you are being a bit silly if you both leave the party after an hour due to a 7pm bedtime

Everyone is still focusing on the child and offering solutions for how to make that work.

It's clearly not about the child, she obviously resents her parents and doesn't want to go. We only know what she has written here, but maybe it's fair enough, maybe her parents are shits.

Op, as I said in my previous post - if you don't want to go, don't. But don't use your daughter as an excuse, just say you can't make it work and hope they have a great night.

Honestly I don't think it's a big ask as a one off. You sound a bit precious and a little bitter to be honest.

I also think you'll look very odd to the rest of the wider family if that's a consideration. It would bother me

You are being ridiculous and making up any reason not to attend.

With a five hour drive I'd either not go at all, or go and keep the toddler up for the party.

I didn't go to my parents distant big anniversary party but I did have a four week old and nowhere there to retreat to if the baby got overwhelmed by the noise.

I wouldn't worry about sticking to routine for the odd occasion. If you must, can you book a place nearby and have your DH stay with your child after the hour. I think there is room for flexibility here but that depends on whether you want to do the drive at all.

Sounds like you'd find excuses whatever the arrangement.
You sound like hard work OP and begrudge the fact your parents have moved away.

That back story of resentment is important. Have you spoken to them about how you feel? Why not directly say that you think their favourite should do the speech or ask why it's ok for her and family to leave at 9 but not you? There's no point being quiet to keep the peace of it's bubbling inside. You could just tell them that you don't fancy putting yourself out when they wouldn't for you

to be very clear, if I give a speech I will use it to list all the ways you’ve helped my siblings regularly with their children then I’ll list the 2 minutes you’ve spent looking after mine. I won’t be able to help set up, and I think it’s best I won’t give a speech, and we will have to leave after an hour. Time and again you’ve shown and told me how I’m not the priority in our family, my children are my priority and we won’t be able to visit as often going forward, I owe my children some trips away not using our annual leave to visit the grandparents who don’t really care about them.

go on. Say it.

If you don't want to go use dd as an excuse to skip it. Otherwise I would go, keep dd up until she struggles. Then dp goes in house with her. Easy.

Tell your parents that the best you can do is an hour.
Their favourite child can help set up and do a speech.
Your parents expect a lot from you, why not your other siblings?

Unless there’s a massive back story, you need to unclench. One later night won’t hurt your child, and it’s great for children to be involved with wider family and friends.

"My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer"

Toddlers change so rapidly. This might not even be an issue in 3/4/5 months time. Carrying on like this in March is simply saying 'I don't care about you or your celebration so I'm dredging up feeble excuses not to come'

If you're clever, in these situations, for the next few months you sound enthusiastic and happy to see everyone. Then you go down with a bug two days before. I mean, that's deceitful but at least it doesn't make people feel that you don't give a damn. And you seem to know how that feels (even if you're being unreasonable in that, because a ten hour journey at my age, which in guessing is around your parents are too, is a big undertaking).

I don't understand people who say they wouldn't take no for an answer. Just say it again. No. No thank you if you're feeling generous.

Don't do the speech. Say no and mean it. Don't you take them refusing to take it. Be firm. No.