To not go to parents wedding anniversary do

[Blueysworld123]

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us. We just don’t have any help or support near us so sadly she is less exposed to new people or anyone looking after her and gets very unsettled easily. Due to circumstances we turn down wedding/social invites where we are unable to take our child or it is after their bedtime at 7pm. For context my parents have never offered to babysit, change a nappy or even help out when they see us. They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings. We absolutely love our child and spending time with them so we are happy with missing social events we would have ordinarily loved to attend and don’t feel like we are missing out. We are just at a new family stage of our lives, which is lovely given we are nearly 40 and didn’t thing we would have any children.

My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It is a nighttime do. They have made it clear that we are expected to attend. We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare! Whilst not ideal timings, we are going to attend for the first hour as it would allow us to see relatives who haven’t yet met our child / we haven’t seen in a long time. Including my siblings as we are not very close (for example none of them have made any the effort to come and see my child since it was born). We really aren’t comfortable hiring a babysitter that we don’t know and feel it would be stressful for her to have a babysitter in a house she doesn’t know. She finds it hard to settle at bedtime when we anywhere other than her bedroom at home.

My parents are hiring a marquee to put in a neighbouring field to their house. They are not hiring portaloos and people will be using the toilets in the main house. They have invited 70 people. They are not very happy that we are only attending for an hour and are pushing for us to use the baby monitor and leave our child in the house on their own when they are asleep as the field is within their wider estate and therefore ‘house’ and as such we wouldn’t be leaving them alone. I am not comfortable with this approach and also think it would really be against the law to leave an infant this way? They now want me to make a speech (for context none of my other siblings ever need to make a speech at their numerous events, it is always me). If we don’t leave our child on their own they want my partner to stay in the house with our child (8pm onwards) and for me to attend the event. For context my partner cares for their disabled parent on top of working long hours and taking the bulk of the care for our child. I feel leaving them alone would be unfair. They have a huge celebration regarding life events fairly frequently and we have always attended the previous events. They have also asked that we set up the event space during the day so we would be helping them out then.

Am I being unreasonable to attend their event but only staying for the first hour?

Personally, I wouldn’t get a sitter either. How scary must it be to wake up and have a stranger in the house, and no parents there? However, I would leave my baby with my mum or with the nanny, who my baby knows and trusts. If your baby doesn’t have a relationship with anyone but you and your dh then yeah, I understand your predicament.

Tbh it's reasonably clear you don't want to go so don't go.

When my parents wanted a big celebration at a time when there were baby grandchildren to worry about they made sure their plans would work for the grandchildren - including having it starting at 5pm so that the little ones and their parents could stay for a while then leave. Your parents clearly don't want to adapt their plans so its ok for them to have the consequences

If you do want to go then I agree withthe pp who suggested that you and partner can tag-team through the evening taking it in turns to either be with baby or at the party, swapping every 30/45/60 mins, given that there's a house right there you can use. But there's no actual obligation to do this if you would rather not.

This is exactly how I'd feel. But equally, I'd still go.

I think I'd take the approach of everyone take part for for the first hour, then DH can put baby to bed and chill out reading a book/watching something while keeping an eye on the baby monitor. Definitely wouldn't leave them in the house with people all over the place potentially waking them up, but with DH keeping an eye it should be doable. I think you might regret not going once your toddler is older, plus it'll be good for them to see lots of people.

I wouldn't turn up early to help set up though. How helpful can you be with a toddler in tow and after all that travel anyway?!

If you do actually want to be there, the obvious solution if staying over is your partner puts toddler to bed when tired/asleep and stays in the house with them. I would happily do this for my husband and vice versa. We don’t use random babysitters either but find a way to make things work if it’s something we want to do.

If you don’t want to go then don’t go. I probably would though, as you mention it’s a good chance to see family you’ve not seen for a while if anything. Maybe mess up the speech and they won’t ask you next time 😅🤐

Ah feck it don't go. Sometimes you just need to set a boundary and stick to it.

I mean, the easiest option is surely for your partner to just stay with your child and you go solo? But it sounds like you don't really want to go because of some resentfulness over lack of effort from them in the past. I think driving 5 hours and staying for an hour is pretty pointless, so I think either go solo or don't go at all. Only you know the potential impacts and whether it's worth you putting in the effort of going.

I wouldn't even go to be honest. Stop letting them boss you around. You are an adult and you can say no.
Anyone who "won't take no for an answer" is a bully.

Either take in turns to sit with toddler in the house

Let toddler sleep in pushchair with you if so ott about being away from them

Hire a sitter to sit in the house

I’d try to let go of some of the resentment towards how often your parents have seen your DC. You say are a very young toddler so I’m guessing around 1? Considering they live 5 hours away and must be late 60’s/70’s, I think 5 visits is really reasonable. My dad lives 6 hours away and we usually try for 2 visits a year (one to him and one to me).

If your relationship with your mum and dad is usually good (I appreciate you say there is a back story) I’d absolutely go and attempt to put your DC to bed in the house with a baby monitor set up and a local babysitter that will stay with them. That way you can keep an eye on things and still be able to immediately help settle your DC if needed.

I would absolutely make the effort if they were good parents, hands on grandparents.. however, they don't sound like they are.. so I wouldn't even bother going.

You don't like your parents that much, and clearly hate that they look after people closer to them more, so just don't go, no need to blame your child

Don't use your baby as a reason, it just sounds like you're being precious about it.

If you wanted to go, you could find a reason around it.

You don't want to go because you think your parents are arseholes. So don't make excuses.

Your daughter is what, around 2 years old? And they've met her 5 times? Just make them feel as valued and important as they make you feel.

"Oh, thanks so much for the invite. We're unable to commit as we've got a lot on that weekend. Put us down as a maybe and we'll pop by if we can."

Yes, it's horrible for a parents special anniversary, but so is showing no interest in your grandchild.

Reap what you sow, and all that

Jees, sounds like a load of naff excuses so you don't have to go. It's a fun family party, just relax, go with it and enjoy!! Life is for these kind of celebrations 🍾 Some of my best childhood memories were at parties where I got to stay up too late and did something out of the ordinary x

Can't you just put child in a reclining pushchair, it's one evening. We don't know how long we'll have our parents, don't live with future regrets.

It sounds like you are actually bitter about them not helping you?

I'd just go to the anniversary party on my own and leave partner and child at home.

To be honest, your parents sound very demanding and I'm not sure why you're attending the event at all. 5 hours drive to attend for 1 hour? I would just tell them you're not coming, it's too disruptive for your little one, and leave it at that. You're under no obligation to help set up, make a speech or leave your child asleep in a strange house while you're in an adjoining field! If they are angry and upset with you, so be it. They don't seem to care enough to be very involved in your life so it's no great loss is it?

If it's the summer then that's a few months away, you'll be surprised how much toddlers can change in that time and with lighter nights may be up for staying up a bit later. One of you then goes and puts them to bed and keep swapping if necessary or get a babysitter to watch them whilst you both enjoy your night!

⬆️

Ok a couple of thoughts - on the babysitter issue my DD was exactly the same as yours and I hated leaving her so never did. But we hired a babysitter for a friend's wedding who looked after her from around 7-11 and she was honestly amazing. DD cried literally for about one minute when we left and then was fine (partner snuck back into room where she was as he'd accidentally left his jacket so we know for sure she was fine, not just taking the babysitter's word for it). So I do think actually we often think it'll be worse than it is though I've also had my baby scream pretty much constantly for 24 hours in my absence.

But the bigger issue is your parents are trying to force you to do things you want to, you don't feel your relationship is fair, equal, or loving enough, and you don't want to go. So don't. Either be honest about the relationship issues and try to resolve those, including setting clear boundaries about not giving a speech and your baby, or if you don't feel able to pretend you'll come and then a day or two before come down with horrendous D&V. Either way, don't let your life be ruined by people that don't deserve your time. Do what you can to change things - don't use all your annual leave to go there, tell them you've got none left and go where you want. Invite them to you and if they don't come then say 'sorry, would love to see you but no leave so if you can't come it'll be a few months until we can come and see you 'etc.

Also on a more general note, my now 3yo DD has literally never been able to just 'stay up later' like everyone else seems to say their kids can, she would go ballistic and make everyone's lives a misery. Also absolutely wouldn't have slept in a buggy near any kind of noise. So I don't think this works for all kids.

Can't the toddler just sleep
In their buggy. Don't be a martyr to bedtime. Go to things. It'll do you all good.

can you child not fall asleep in the pram?

mine would sleep through absolutely anything i exposed them at a very young age

If not, the most sensible solution is to stay together for an hour then one of you puts baby to bed and stays there. Better than not going at all

Surely you just don't want to go irrespective of your child. Just say this and don't go, don't blame it on something as ridiculous as a small child's bedtime. If you impose such rigid rules on yourselves regarding your child forever you are likely to find life gets very hard and very dull.
Family parties are massively important for children and are a huge part of them learning to socialise within a safe welcoming Environmrnt. It's normal for them to be allowed to stay up late in these rare instances. I can't believe this is really the reason you don't want to go.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go.
But if you do want to go, then surely you’d be sleeping over at the house so the easiest solution is that you or your DP put the baby to bed, in the room where you’d be staying, and then tag team an hour each at the party / in the room with baby. Bring a book, ipad etc.

Do your parents like you? You're good enough to do a speech but not to travel to spend time with. So casual to leave their grandchild in a strange house, alone too.