To not go to parents wedding anniversary do

[Blueysworld123]

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us. We just don’t have any help or support near us so sadly she is less exposed to new people or anyone looking after her and gets very unsettled easily. Due to circumstances we turn down wedding/social invites where we are unable to take our child or it is after their bedtime at 7pm. For context my parents have never offered to babysit, change a nappy or even help out when they see us. They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings. We absolutely love our child and spending time with them so we are happy with missing social events we would have ordinarily loved to attend and don’t feel like we are missing out. We are just at a new family stage of our lives, which is lovely given we are nearly 40 and didn’t thing we would have any children.

My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It is a nighttime do. They have made it clear that we are expected to attend. We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare! Whilst not ideal timings, we are going to attend for the first hour as it would allow us to see relatives who haven’t yet met our child / we haven’t seen in a long time. Including my siblings as we are not very close (for example none of them have made any the effort to come and see my child since it was born). We really aren’t comfortable hiring a babysitter that we don’t know and feel it would be stressful for her to have a babysitter in a house she doesn’t know. She finds it hard to settle at bedtime when we anywhere other than her bedroom at home.

My parents are hiring a marquee to put in a neighbouring field to their house. They are not hiring portaloos and people will be using the toilets in the main house. They have invited 70 people. They are not very happy that we are only attending for an hour and are pushing for us to use the baby monitor and leave our child in the house on their own when they are asleep as the field is within their wider estate and therefore ‘house’ and as such we wouldn’t be leaving them alone. I am not comfortable with this approach and also think it would really be against the law to leave an infant this way? They now want me to make a speech (for context none of my other siblings ever need to make a speech at their numerous events, it is always me). If we don’t leave our child on their own they want my partner to stay in the house with our child (8pm onwards) and for me to attend the event. For context my partner cares for their disabled parent on top of working long hours and taking the bulk of the care for our child. I feel leaving them alone would be unfair. They have a huge celebration regarding life events fairly frequently and we have always attended the previous events. They have also asked that we set up the event space during the day so we would be helping them out then.

Am I being unreasonable to attend their event but only staying for the first hour?

Wise advice my friend once gave me when I was getting in a tiswad about an event.
If it doesn’t work for you and your family set up then do not go. It’s that simple.

I’m sorry & it’s a little bit sneaky but why don’t you just cut your loses go along with it; say ok I’ll do the speech but just call the night before saying little ones have got upset tummies & you can’t take them on a 5 hour car trip it’s just not possible or fair to them then add you can email the speech to one of the siblings to read; just make it gushy & sickly sweet & completly fake x

Take the kid to the party and they can sleep in a pushchair. This is not a big deal.

I totally understand the not wanting to leave your baby in the house alone. On a special occasion you should be able to push their bedtime forward for an hour so that would be 2 hours and your husband could certainly put the baby to bed while you stay out for another hour or two. One hour is a bit ridiculous especially when it's a 5 hour drive and a special occasion. I was very precious with my first child, now with the second I just haven't the time 😂. You never know you might even enjoy yourself.

YABU just take the child with you let them have fun at the party with their cousins. They’ll be tired and grouchy (maybe) but it’s one day and it won’t hurt.

It definitely feels a little PFB.

Putting this specific issue to one side for a moment. It sounds as though you have trouble setting boundaries with your parents and they have trouble respecting you as an autonomous adult. I say this as someone who has exactly the same issue! What you need to decide is whether this one thing is worth making your life difficult by putting your foot down. They won’t be happy with anything other than their way, so consider how much aggravation you are willing to put yourself through over this. Plus side, they live 5 hours away and you can always turn your phone off. Have you considered grey rock/low contact? They don’t sound as though they add a lot of love or joy to your life.

The other thing I noticed with my 2 (now fully grown) was that one minute you think you have a fussy eater /light sleeper /a child who hates parties and you adapt your life to this fact, bend over backwards to accomodate their preferences. Then after a while there comes a situatopn where you can't avoid it and you find actually they aren't a fussy eater/light sleeper/party hater any more.

My point is little people aren't one thing, they change all the time. I thought the person who suggested making a mini break out of it was a good idea so the hours in the car are worth it.

I think the perfect phrase in this situation is that the OP "has a problem for every solution".

OP, if you're still reading..... Why not try to look at some of the positives?

There is no way I would leave my child alone in the way you have described. However, I think once the baby is settled your partner should look after her and you go back to the party. This is how you have to do things when you have kids, it’s life. If it was reversed then you would do the same for him I’m sure. It’s only one night.

I think you are being super reasonable driving all that way to attend for a short time. It is for you to decide when and where to put your toddler to bed. I think attending the party but doing what works best for the three of you is fair enough.

Unpopular opinion but fuck them
and their speech. Or maybe write to them what you actually want to say about them and mic drop it outta there.

My question is, do you actually want to go?
I sure as hell wouldn’t. If you want to go try doing what everyone else has suggested but if you don’t that’s perfectly fine and tell your parents why.
If they don’t make you a priority I certainly wouldn’t make them one

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job at parenting to me, enjoy every minute x

I can only assume that the "The baby will have a great time, you will regret it if you dont go" havent had routine demanding babies and also have a good relationship with their parents. Clearly the OP has neither of these things.

I had 6 kids, all would sleep anywhere and anytime except....DD1. Second child, eldest was chilled and as I said, would sleep anywhere and anywhen, if he was tired he went to sleep, no drama. Not DD. No sleep if it wasnt at home in bed or in my arms if we were at grandma's. No matter how long a journey she would not sleep in the car, in the buggy or anywhere else. Staying up even half an hour would create massive screaming fits from about 2 months on (she slept through from about 6 weeks). She just wouldnt do it.

Even now as an adult she is a proper baggy arse without enough sleep. Totally over reacts to everything and is in tears at the slightest thing. An absolute delight (then and now) in every other way, it only happened if she was/is tired. Some people are just like that. No amount of "Stop allowing your DD to dictate your life" bollocks will change the person she is and the needs she has.

Years ago it was drummed into every mother that feeding on demand was teaching baby to be demanding, that too many cuddles made them needy and spoiled. Now we know different and react to our babies cues and fulfil their needs. Why should sleep be any different just because sometimes it is inconvenient when a party happens? It was bloody inconvenient to have to do a feed at school run time, but it was what I had to do as the baby was hungry.

Thankfully the OP is at least understanding of her baby's needs even if some of you think a party is more important!

That's when they're a lot older and kids are very different then. I didn't bother with things like this when mine was younger, I'd just not go. You have to have a family like this to fully understand it.

I'm getting the feeling you are keeping your child from mixing with other people and kids. Maybe because they were extra precious as unexpected and came late in your lives.
Get them socialised, starting now. You are doing them no favours otherwise.
Our kids were put to sleep in a pushchair for social events past their bedtime. They got to enjoy the party or whatever and then we walked round till they nodded off. Or take it in turns to stay with her if she won't sleep in her pushchair.
When this event is over, you need to get her mixing with other people and children. She will be happier for it and so will you

i was the same with my 1st child, only we don’t have family/grandparents etc so my choice was to make sure we were home before ‘witching hour’ (I tried the odd late night/out etc and for me it wasn’t worth the night/following couple of days of seeing him so unsettled and coping with a grumpy toddler) so we stayed home or had my friends over to me, so he was happy.
he’s now 8, perfectly happy, very social and isn’t nervous around other people, he will happily & confidently chat with adults etc. not going to late night social events hasn’t turned him into a shrinking violet and it’s not been a case of keeping him away. You know your child better than anyone else, do what’s right for them and you, them feeling settled and secure is worth far more that a few hours around people,who haven’t really taken the time to get to know them; Whilst you’re anxious waiting for the upset and tears. Doesn’t really matter what anybody else thinks. I guess my point is, not attending isn’t going to impeded your child’s social skills! Some kids are just like that and some just aren’t! Do what’s right for your little family x

Are you unable to read?!

The OP and several others, myself included, have made it quite clear that this is simply not an option from some babies.

DS.....dream baby, was very smug that I had cracked it. Could go anywhere anytime and he would just sleep in his buggy. DD....never. Absolute nightmare. Would have made my life a lot easier if she would but she couldnt. The four youngest, all like DS1, no problems. DD1 grew out of it by the time she was about3 although would still be cranky as hell for a few days afterwards so I was very selective about which events we attended. Sisters wedding....yes. Cousins 30th....no. But when she was a baby even my sisters wedding would have been "ceremony, photos, toast, leave". Its just how these babies are.

I think you are right. Good luck

I see two separate issues here. First and foremost, your relatives, who refuse to make any effort for your nuclear family, expect you to show up and perform for them. As difficult as it may be, you need to establish boundaries with them. If the event doesn’t work for your nuclear family, no matter the reason, tell them you won’t be attending because it doesn’t work for your family. If they keep asking, reiterate that it doesn’t work for your family and if they keep badgering you, you will end the conversation. Don’t explain or try to give reasons, they will see that as something to argue with you about. The only way this will work is if you follow through and refuse to discuss this with them and end the conversation every time they bring it up.

Your second issue is the rigidity of your baby’s schedule. I understand high needs, extremely attached babies, as my first was like that. We kept our lifestyle baby centric until she was around 2. Then we gradually transitioned her to a lifestyle better suited for our nuclear family. We worked in date nights for us, where she stayed with a sitter and eventually worked up to being able to go away for a few days while our children stayed with a sitter. You and DH have so much going on, especially with MIL. It is understandable that right now you want to stick with what works best for your nuclear family. Just be looking to the future and how to transition your DC into a more family centric lifestyle that includes time away for you and DH as a couple. Your DC will eventually need to attend nursery or school, so you want them to be ready to transition to being away from you and socializing with their peers.

You know this how?! Your comment suggests you've had a lovely relationship with your parents and were not exposed to harm by them.

If you really don’t want to do the party don’t go at all it is a lot of travel for an hour. Longer term though you do need to address being able to leave your child. They will struggle when it comes to pre school, school etc. if you do not start to have them socialising with other children and also adults. Being able to mix well is part of being a happy healthy well balanced child. I hated leaving my boys when they were small but I knew the benefits for them were more important than my wish to keep them with me. You and DH also need to have time as a couple as well as being a family and parents.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but the voting has finished

Being a newish parent is stressful and the child's schedule might feel like gospel. But life is about social gatherings and family connections, at least occasionally. This is great chance for all of you to spend more time with your siblings and your kiddo's cousins. Your DC will love it later in life to have an extended family.

If you're anxious about the bedtime, bring a pram and let your toddler sleep in there when tired. That way you don't need to leave DC inside alone (I wouldn't and didn't either at my MIL's in similar circumstances).

It sounds you don't really want to have a closer relationship with your parents -- why? Are you feeling bitter they've 'prioritised' your sibling's family? If yes, and you'd like to get closer, you need to address this. Your parents might think you don't really want/need them in your life in particular if you never attend anything because of bedtime.

In view of all the things you’ve said, particularly their less than equitable treatment of their grandchildren you need to stop being so accommodating. Go for one hour only and don’t let this be negotiable. If they give you grief don’t go at all. People always have more respect for you when you’re assertive. It’ll improve their treatment of you in the long run.

Don't overthink this.

Summer is still a long time away in a toddler's life. Bedtime may be 30 min later than now, so they could stay up longer.
There's two of you so surely dh could stay with baby while you spend time with your relatives? even if you had to settle her first.
I would never leave a child in a home alone with a monitor, but I would hire a local teen to sit and watch monitor if I was only a couple min away in a local field.
Sometimes toddlers do well when you least expect it. Take a pushchair, try to have a later nap that day etc. You may get a couple hours.

How old is your child out of interest?

regardless it sounds like the real issue is your view on your folks relationships with your other siblings Vs their relationship with you.

You don’t need to do an all or nothing approach, rotate in and out all evening or just put the child in a pram/buggy and take them with you. If you’re that stuck to a routine than 7pm everything stops that’s also an issue in itself. Hire a babysitter whilst you’re there if you really can’t bear to take your child out past 7pm as a one off? I get it they’re super grouchy the next day but 5 hours in the car and they’ll sleep.