To not go to parents wedding anniversary do

[Blueysworld123]

We live a 5 hours drive from my parents, they live in a very secluded area so the only option is to drive. We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us. We just don’t have any help or support near us so sadly she is less exposed to new people or anyone looking after her and gets very unsettled easily. Due to circumstances we turn down wedding/social invites where we are unable to take our child or it is after their bedtime at 7pm. For context my parents have never offered to babysit, change a nappy or even help out when they see us. They have seen our child 5 times since they were born. This is largely because they are very busy with my sibling and their 3 children (first lot of grandchildren) who they moved next to when they retired, their numerous holidays and also helping my younger siblings. We absolutely love our child and spending time with them so we are happy with missing social events we would have ordinarily loved to attend and don’t feel like we are missing out. We are just at a new family stage of our lives, which is lovely given we are nearly 40 and didn’t thing we would have any children.

My parents have decided to throw a big party in the summer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It is a nighttime do. They have made it clear that we are expected to attend. We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare! Whilst not ideal timings, we are going to attend for the first hour as it would allow us to see relatives who haven’t yet met our child / we haven’t seen in a long time. Including my siblings as we are not very close (for example none of them have made any the effort to come and see my child since it was born). We really aren’t comfortable hiring a babysitter that we don’t know and feel it would be stressful for her to have a babysitter in a house she doesn’t know. She finds it hard to settle at bedtime when we anywhere other than her bedroom at home.

My parents are hiring a marquee to put in a neighbouring field to their house. They are not hiring portaloos and people will be using the toilets in the main house. They have invited 70 people. They are not very happy that we are only attending for an hour and are pushing for us to use the baby monitor and leave our child in the house on their own when they are asleep as the field is within their wider estate and therefore ‘house’ and as such we wouldn’t be leaving them alone. I am not comfortable with this approach and also think it would really be against the law to leave an infant this way? They now want me to make a speech (for context none of my other siblings ever need to make a speech at their numerous events, it is always me). If we don’t leave our child on their own they want my partner to stay in the house with our child (8pm onwards) and for me to attend the event. For context my partner cares for their disabled parent on top of working long hours and taking the bulk of the care for our child. I feel leaving them alone would be unfair. They have a huge celebration regarding life events fairly frequently and we have always attended the previous events. They have also asked that we set up the event space during the day so we would be helping them out then.

Am I being unreasonable to attend their event but only staying for the first hour?

I have only read the first page.

My first thought was articulated by @fungipie It’s great that you’re such a tight family unit, but every child needs to be able to cope with babysitters because you never know when an emergency will hit. For the same reason you need to cultivate at least something of a local support system.

About the party: go, don’t go, whatever. But the back story is clearly more complex than your title suggests. Own your reasons.

If you do go, you can decline to make the speech. But it is generally considered an honour to be asked.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

"We have said that we would only be able to be there for the first hour max as it would be after our child’s bedtime and they would scream and cry because they are overtired any later. We have tried to keep them up later on special occasions but they are an absolute nightmare!"

From paragraph 2 of the original post; you must have missed it.

OP, in your situation, I would tell your family that, at this stage, you can’t commit at to attending their party because your MIL is dying and you need to support your DH as a priority for now.
Tell them very firmly, that you therefore wont be writing or making the speech as it could well turn out that you can’t even attend and it’s best somebody else is prepared. Then try to put it all out of your mind for a while.

Your parents do sound very bossy by the way. You should use this opportunity to assert yourself a bit more as you have a genuine reason to be sensible in not committing to them.

If they come back at you with reasons why you shouldn’t be supporting your MIL, keep saying thank you very much for your input but we won’t be changing our minds.

You sound completely wrung out, but if you can find a reliable baby sitter that someone else you know has used before, then hire her as often as you can afford for an hour or two to shadow you at key points of your child’s day so that she gets to know your young toddler and the way you do things. Your dc will soon become comfortable with the extra person in his/her life playing together, prepping food, feeding her and being there at bed times. You can take it slowly until you feel ready to actually leave the babysitter for an hour on her own with your dc. And take it from there.
It really is important to nurture and maintain extra relationships for your little one as taught to us by the covid experience. And you will surely need child care if and when you return to work.

It’s a good while yet until the family celebration. Your child’s routine may well have changed in those three months, especially if you take her out and about a bit to meet more people and get used to different environments.
It may be that you feel happier about attending as time goes on or you may find it’s impossible anyway.
Either way, all the best to you and don’t be beaten down by your parents’ demands if you find them unreasonable.

We hired a teenager to babysit ALL the children (there were only 4 of them) while our party was going on. They watched tv, ate sweets, went to bed.

whilst you are massively making a rod for your own back with not having your child sleep anywhere other than home and them not being able to stay up past 7pm - the way your parents and siblings appear to be behaving is unacceptable and I wouldn't go just for that reason. They have made no effort with your child - their Grandchild/niece - therefore why should you.

You don't have to go if you don't want to. It looks like they've been unsupportive and played favourites so I don't blame you.

No need all this guff about baby not sleeping etc! You're an adult, you can do as you want.

I think that I'd go to the meal but not the party.

Do you think you would regret not going to the party?

Just don't go - you obviously don't want to and equally obviously don't have the kind of relationship with them where you would put yourself out and find a solution.

Yes they will kick off. So what? You don't rely on them for anything anyway - no babysitting, no emotional or financial support s0 - what are you losing? they will either get over themselves about it or they won't. Either way, time to learn how to shrug your shoulders at their demands.

Think of a form of words and stick to it. Something along the lines of the logisitics aren't working for you and you hope they all have a lovely time. Minimise contact. Don't get drawn into drama-fest tantrums. Easy for me to say I know but over the years I have learned just how liberating it can be to just say no, that doesn't work for me.

Because behaviour is a major issue if they go past bedtime and get over tired.

Sounds as if you have made up your mind that you don’t want to go and are now looking for excuses to justify it.

do what you think is right for your family but you may want to start acclimatising your child now to being away from you. What is going to happen if you have an emergency and have to leave them with someone at short notice?

No I don't blame you. They don't sound like very nice people, don't make an effort with your child, and expect you to be the to make a show of them. I wouldn't put myself and family out for them.
The sibling who they run after can do the speech.

Two issues here:

One - you need to stop being so uptight about bedtimes, babysitting, monitors etc.

Two - you just don’t like your family and are passive aggressive about it.

Does DC fall asleep in the car during a drive? Most young children do. If she sleeps for several hours during the 5 hour drive to party - perhaps she will be full of beans and the main attraction when she gets there and not want to sleep at all?

I'm so surprised at these responses. I think OP's parents sound like a nightmare. Disinterested and controlling at the same time. Regardless of whether acclimatising DC to having a babysitter and being out of routine etc. this whole situation sounds dreadful. 5 hours of travelling to flit back and forth between the house and field? Just no. It sounds awful.

you are your own person. You don’t have to go. Obviously they might fall out with you but it sounds like it won’t be a huge loss as you don’t see them much /seem to have a nice relationship anyway.

dont want to do a speech- no I can’t. Repeat.
dont want to go- unable to attend.
thry don’t get to be disinterested in your child then play happy families at your expense.

if you so want to go then book a hotel near by and go for the hour, then partner leaves. We have no support etc either so if kids aren’t allowed then we attend our own family, other person has child.

ignore the pressure to leave your child with total strangers or in a house unsupervised with people coming and going. It’s your responsibility to protect them and advocate for them. You can’t assume nothing bad would happen. What an irresponsible suggestion from MN /relatives. How scared would your kid be to wake up alone or with a random coming in their room. No way. Stick to your guns.

Haven't read all the replies, just OP posts.

We have a very young toddler who has never been left with a relative/babysitter/childminder so is very clingy to both of us.

The quote above is from your first post and the one below from your second post.
I'm a bit confused as to whether one of you works nights the other days inorder to have never left your DC in the care of anyone else.

But not easier for us as we work full time

Either way...
It's an incredibly long journey to your parents, 5 hours one way? just to spend an hour in their company, so on that alone even if I were to stay until the end unless I was sleeping over I wouldn't go at all.

Based on what you say about the relationship with your parents they sound very pushy and seem to contribute very little to your life/family yet want a big say in how you go about doing things, especially by forcing you into making a speech when you really don't want to.

If an hour visit from you isn't good enough for them then tell them it's a shame they feel that way but it's the best you can do.

Stick to your guns and don't be pushed into doing something that you don't want to do.

"thry don’t get to be disinterested in your child then play happy families at your expense"

This!!!

Better still, take a pram, babies aren't supposed to sleep too long in pushchairs apparently.

I've read all your posts, OP, but not all the replies, so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

Your parents sound very dysfunctional. As a general rule, AIBU not the right place for this kind of thing, and you'd get much more helpful replies if you posted in Relationships. I suggest you look at the Stately Homes thread. You could also read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward; it's an excellent book.

As for this particular issue, I think it's just part of the much bigger problem, which is that your parents make unreasonable demands of you while giving very little in return. You don't have to give in to them. You can say no, and if they respond negatively, you can disengage and ignore them.

You are right to prioritise yourself, your partner and your child, because your family of origin is not going to.

The question of leaving your child with a babysitter is entirely separate from this issue and it may be something you want to work towards, but not for your parents' sake and only if you and your partner want/need to do it.

Exactly that

from your responses your parents seems very self centred and selfish!! No wonder you don’t want to make a speech….i personally wouldn’t even want to go!
so they can’t be bothered with your child, have seen them 5 times in their life (but insist all grandchildren MUST attend the celebration…why so they look good to friends??), don’t care about your/your child’s comfort and recommend dumping them in a room and using a monitor rather than comforting your child in a strange house, insist you get the party ready for them during the day (erm…are you a guest or free labour now?) oh and not forgetting that they think your terminally ill mother in law should be shipped off to a care home and only get a monthly visit from her son (I hope they expect the same treatment if anything was to happen to them!!) ….Nah, say you can’t go and start distancing yourself from them. They sound awful

(to be clear, I wouldn't go at all, and if I did, I certainly wouldn't be giving a speech)

I remember feeling like this about DD’s bedtime. I think you should go, put your child to bed at their normal bedtime but pay a teenager to be nearby/babysit while you’re at the party.

you could put your dc to bed and make sure they are asleep, then having hired a babysitter, get them to sit in the same room quietly looking at an iPad etc. If the baby wakes then they can phone you to come back.

To be honest I think my partner probably will pull out last minute, they have a lot on mentally and I don’t think they would enjoy a party of any kind.

Stop everything you're doing and cancel this event right now, if you're partner is struggling mentally while his mum is on end of life care this is your only priority right now, to support your partner as he (or you both) support his mum.

A word of warning, if you continue to pander to your parents at the expense of his parent, who needs you so much more right now, he may never get over it, and rightly so.

Where and when are you going to actually draw the line?