I didn’t go to my friends birthday and feel awful

[bananashrimps]

I was due to go, I got ready and changed.

My friend decided to have a few drinks at her house, from 7:30 until 9, then go out later. I had decided to only go to the drinks, and not out, because I’m not drinking at the moment and I hate nights out. But I thought I’ll go to her house and show my face.

I arrive in my car just after 7:30. She lives smack bang in the middle of the city centre and I spend over half an hour circling and can’t find a space.
The closest space I could find is a 10 minute walk away.
Honestly, I was scared. It’s a dodgy area and I saw men hanging around. I didn’t want to walk the 10 minute walk in the dark.

I tried to ring her and messaged her but she didn’t reply at all. I didn’t know anyone else at the drinks very well at all.

By this point it was 8:15. I thought about going home and then getting a taxi, but then it’d be nearly 9pm and they’d be going out.
I thought about meeting them out and sucking it up.

In the end I just sent another message apologising.
I feel so so guilty and keep questioning myself and my morals. Should I have just walked, should I have made more effort etc. I’m just sat on my sofa and feel so bad. I said ages ago that I’d come.
My boyfriend (who is currently away and so couldn’t drop me) told me I shouldn’t feel bad at all but I just can’t help it.

Am I wrong to feel like a horrible person?

Do you have social anxiety?

I do :( I hate the way I just second guess myself all the time

YANBU, you tried. It didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up.

I would feel really bad if I was in this situation. I'd have parked and walked but I don't know what area you're talking about to fully know if I'd have done this.

Well, you shouldn't have felt bad either.

Honestly, people really give themselves a hard time.

If the area felt dodgy to you, and she didn't answer her phone, then I think you did the right thing OP, particularly as you didn't really want to be there in the first place. After all, why put yourself at risk, if you didn't want to go anyway? Just put it behind you, you've messaged to apologise, so now move on, and stop fretting.

Oh gosh no way should you beat yourself up about this, I would probably have been the same, I live in south London and I won't walk anywhere I feel unsafe in the dark.

You tried calling and messaging. If they're real friends and nice people they will understand, take care of yourself.

Your safety trumps anything else - a true friend will realise this and not make it a problem.

Hopefully she is a true friend!

Please don’t be hard on yourself, OP. I think the advice in separation’s post is the key thing you should try and remember if you can.

I understand op, I’ve felt similar at times and often wonder if friends knew how hard it really was sometimes, they’d see how much I adore them as I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many times. Equally, I’ve backed out a few times too, so I understand.
What explanation did you give your friend, does she know the way you are/how hard it can be for you?

Dont beat yourself up about this. You tried, it didn’t work out. Send her a lovely message tomorrow morning, apologising that you couldn’t get there, and hoping she had a lovely evening. Suggest another meet-up so you can give her card/present to her.

I think you did the best you could and you shouldn't feel guilty. It would certainly have spoiled your friend's birthday if you'd had a dangerous encounter walking through the dodgy area and it's right to trust your instincts.

Perhaps it might have been better to have made a plan that didn't rely on finding a good parking spot in an urban area but that's a "learning from experience" thing that you didn't know before. Don't worry about it.

Your friend won't have had her evening spoiled by your absence. A key factor in managing anxiety is remembering that other people don't obsess about your actions nearly as much as you do, so no one else is nearly so critical.

Please don't beat yourself up. I once drove to go out for a meal with work colleagues and couldn't find anywhere to park. There was an event on at the arena so there was no parking anywhere. I rang my boss to tell him I couldn't park and that I was going home.

It was a 32 mile round trip. Luckily my lot hadn't eaten, and DD cooked for us.

You didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't park, it didn't feel safe.

Ask yourself whether you would understand if your friend did the same to you? If so, then you can expect the same understanding in return.

Give yourself a break.

Mmmm honestly I bet you could have found somewhere and it was 7:30pm, not midnight. Not being able to park is a lame excuse, in my opinion.

I don't think you really wanted to go and looked for a get out. The reason I think this is that I’ve done it myself.

If you’d had tickets for your favourite band or something you’d been looking forward to, you’d have made it work.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I would've quickly jumped out of the car, ran up her path and asked if she had any ideas. Someone might've jumped in with you so you had someone to walk with.

But it's done now so no point in beating yourself up.

But you tried to call and she didn’t answer, what else could you have done?! If she’d have answered her phone she might have been able to suggest somewhere to park.

Where was she supposed to leave her car while she 'jumped out' of it, given there was nowhere to park?

I’ve cancelled visiting someone as I couldn’t find anywhere to park before and had to just drive home. It’s not inconceivable.

@bananashrimps have you heard from her yet? Strange she wasn't answering the phone

No. There really are places where there isn't anywhere to park. It must depend where you live.

Honestly we give ourselves such a hard time over small things don’t we? I watched a psychologist talk about it recently, how we bully ourselves. Forget about this! You didn’t do anything bad or worth agonising over. It didn’t work out, never mind. Maybe offer to take your friend out to lunch to make up for it. Try and be kind to yourself :)

OP kindly it sounds like you were avoiding having to go. That’s ok, but perhaps think about how you might cope in the future with a similar situation. Avoidance ultimately isn’t a helpful coping strategy as it will have a short term benefit whilst longer term making your anxiety over social situations worse.

No way would I have driven if she lived right in the city centre. Easier and makes more sense to get a bus or train.

OP it's happened - try not to feel bad if she is a true friend she will understand.

It’s happened now so just send a lovely message/phone her explaining what happened and suggest another time to meet. If she’s a true friend she’ll understand and would be happy you didn’t put yourself at risk walking through a dark dodgy area alone.