I didn’t go to my friends birthday and feel awful

[bananashrimps]

I was due to go, I got ready and changed.

My friend decided to have a few drinks at her house, from 7:30 until 9, then go out later. I had decided to only go to the drinks, and not out, because I’m not drinking at the moment and I hate nights out. But I thought I’ll go to her house and show my face.

I arrive in my car just after 7:30. She lives smack bang in the middle of the city centre and I spend over half an hour circling and can’t find a space.
The closest space I could find is a 10 minute walk away.
Honestly, I was scared. It’s a dodgy area and I saw men hanging around. I didn’t want to walk the 10 minute walk in the dark.

I tried to ring her and messaged her but she didn’t reply at all. I didn’t know anyone else at the drinks very well at all.

By this point it was 8:15. I thought about going home and then getting a taxi, but then it’d be nearly 9pm and they’d be going out.
I thought about meeting them out and sucking it up.

In the end I just sent another message apologising.
I feel so so guilty and keep questioning myself and my morals. Should I have just walked, should I have made more effort etc. I’m just sat on my sofa and feel so bad. I said ages ago that I’d come.
My boyfriend (who is currently away and so couldn’t drop me) told me I shouldn’t feel bad at all but I just can’t help it.

Am I wrong to feel like a horrible person?

You didn’t want to go and you were finding excuses.

There were numerous solutions so you could attend, like calling an Uber to your car if you didn’t want to walk.

If I was your friend- I would be upset. I can see why she didn’t pick up the phone, busy party. Depending on what you messaged, it may have been apparent that she didn’t want to come- leading her to react in a bit of a petty way (especially when booze) involved.

You’ll have loads of people saying ‘don’t feel bad’ but this is mumsnet and loads of people admit to having no friends and not opening when the door rings.

I get that this is borne from anxiety, but you’re going to end up without any social events to not attend at this rate.

Please get some help. X

I'd feel bad too. YABU.

Not really, as it was her birthday and she was no doubt in the middle of entertaining/getting ready!

I think you should have tried harder. 7.30pm is ok to walk a bit ffs!!
Imagine if several people all thought oh sod it, it won't matter. Suddenly there's hardly anyone there, and your friend feels shit.

Are you normally flakey and unreliable? That would make a difference I think to her reaction. People drop out of stuff a lot these days and don’t seem to be able to commit to meet-ups.

Op, is is really an unsafe area where you can’t walk for ten mins at 7.30 or is this anxiety related. This is an important differentiator. As if it’s the former the friend will know you couldn’t have walked it, and if it’s the latter it depends on what she knows about your mental health.

@Apolloneuro I agree. I doubt any city centre is truly dodgy, especially at 7.30pm. And men wandering around = only to be expected on Sat night

Most people feel apprehensive walking into a party where they don't know anyone. That's entirely normal and understandable

But, IMHO, labelling it as social anxiety and using it as a reason / excuse not to push out of our comfort zone is a mistake and counter productive

As a society, we need to stop pathologising day to day emotions, and develop resilience

It sounds like you didn't want to go. It can be hard to park legally in our city but I would have just sucked up the double yellow lines ticket to go to the party.

Crikey. The lack of empathy here is depressing.

Honestly, there really are places where finding somewhere to park is just about impossible. In my case as outlined above I could have driven to the park and ride and got a tram, but by the time I got there the meal would have been over.

And yes, if the OP had seen that the only place to park is in a dodgy area, she would not only have felt too nervous to walk, but been worried whether her car would still be there when she returned.

Some of you must live in such nice areas that you don't know what it is like to be somewhere dodgy.

It is not your fault, but you clearly have no experience of some areas of the UK.

And you also are misunderstanding the word 'resilience' - again not your fault.

Definitely don’t beat yourself up. You’ve apologised and haven’t done anything malicious.

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, I know, but if you’re driving somewhere where parking is highly likely to be tricky, like a city centre, I would always plan where to park beforehand, and have a couple of back up options too.

What I’d do next would depend on whether you have form for being flakey with this friend. If you’ve dropped out of plans last minute before then I would apologise again profusely and consider sending flowers or another gesture to make it clear that the apology was genuine. I think there is a horrible culture these days of people not putting themselves out for their friends under the guise of “self care”. Friendships need TLC to survive and that includes showing up for friends, both literally and metaphorically, when you’ve said you will.

Anxiety can be debilitating. You tried and weren’t able to meet up with her. Perhaps wish her happy birthday and suggest doing something else this week.

I think if the area the OP was driving to as so dodgy she wasn’t prepared to walk at 7.30pm then she’d already have been aware of that and factored that into her travel plan- if she wanted to go.. but she didn’t want to go so driving around for 45 mins until it wasn’t practical to attend, was an avoidance strategy. Which is ok but clearly something she needs to work on as it’s a short term coping mechanism and unhelpful in long run.

Not sure how PP has misunderstood resilience- ability to cope with/ grow through difficult situations; unless OP has clinical levels of an anxiety disorder that she needs support with, then it’s a fair point that anxiety is an uncomfortable but normal emotion that everyone experiences; which needs to be accepted and worked through.

It sounds like you keeping yourself safe. Maybe revisit why you went in the first place? Next time organise a lunch.

This. There’s really no point in beating yourself up about something past. In future, say no upfront to something you’re clearly unenthusiastic about, don’t say yes and then stress yourself out and potentially disappoint a friend by being half-hearted about making it work. Parking in a city centre on a weekend night was never going to be straightforward. If you’d really wanted to attend the drinks, you’d have used public transport or got a taxi. And work on your anxiety, because it sounds as if it’s reducing your quality of life.

Letting someone down while the event is actually happening and for something like not being able to park is quite lame, sorry.

If your friend lives in the middle of the city centre you could have used the normal car parks and it would have been well lit.

Just be honest if you’re not feeling up to doing social things. It comes across much better than making up rubbish excuses.

It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Take a gift to her and apologise for whatever reason you want to give for not making it. It’s ok though. I’d never be upset at a friend for changing their mind. It’s ok. People have got lots on their plate in their own lives. Don’t worry. Am sure she had a good time anyway.

Ultimately you did the right thing - I think you always need to trust your gut instincts. They are there in your brain for a good reason. Your friend should under and if not -you still did the right thing.

*understand

I think if my friend sent me an apology that she was impacted by social anxiety, I’d tell her not to bloody apologise, and hope she was OK.

If I got a message about no parking, 10 mins walk, arriving too late, not knowing people, not drinking blah blah… (you can still go out if you don’t drink) I’d be irritated by the list of excuses and think, “right, so you just didn’t want to come then.”

Except just as the first response here shows, it seemed very likely that was the reason so I hope I’d also see through the litany of excuses if you were my friend.

You know the area where she lives, as it’s city centre it’s a given that you’re unlikely to be able to park without a walk.

It’s not your fault, you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it - but I think your friend may be more understanding of the truth that what risks looking like a pack of excuses.

If you aren't in the process of getting help, then make this the event that spurs you to. As someone in their late 50's, time goes nowhere and the invitations/events will dry up, as well as health/tiredness/life gettingin the way. This is a half life.

@bananashrimps ignore the posters telling you that you are lame. They clearly don't know the area you are talking about.

For the record, there are parts of Sheffield City centre where I wouldn't want to leave my car.

She couldn't park where she expected to be able to park, if there had been parking close to her friend's she would have presumably got out of the car and gone.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficult situations - not push through them. It is commonly misapplied - the British obsession with stiff upper lip has never gone away amongst some (often damaged) people and the concept of resilience has been misappropriated by some to encourage others to 'push through difficult feelings', presumably in the way they were forced to when growing up.

The OP did the right thing in this situation and can now use it to learn how to deal with the same situation in future - perhaps accepting the parking limitations and choosing to walk from the car, or finding an alternative such as a taxi. Pushing through one's own fear in the moment is not without negative consequences - very few people actually balance on the perfect midpoint between risk taking and reticence at every moment of their lives. We are all a work in progress.

Empathy is so important in life.

Yes exactly, in the three cities I travel to regularly there are areas I would not park and walk from my car, because getting back later would be extremely intimidating and there is a risk my car would be damaged.

People who live in little bubbles can be very ignorant, it takes imagination to understand a situation you haven't experienced yourself - and not everyone has that.

I wouldn't feel bad, but you obviously didn't want to go so were thinking of any reason not to even subconsciously.

I've done it so I know how you feel.