To think relationships are more work than being single

[Greenhouse12]

I can admit that I'm slightly cynical being newly single after being in a rubbish relationship for too long.

But I feel as if almost every friend I have has a story about there partner being incompetent. Everytime I go on tiktok I see these videos of women joking about asking their husband to do something simple to help and them not being able to or not knowing basic information like their Childs birthday.

I seen one yesterday about a man who thought his child was vitamin deficient because her nails never grew… he had just never cut them

I know it's not all men and I work with some great ones but recently it just looks more hassle than its worth.

I have two friends who are single mums by choice via IVF and I actually envy them! The only negative is the lack of child support.

Please restore my faith in relationships or if you have any stories about the extra mental load from having a partner

YANBU to suggest that relationships take work- when you've been with someone for years it's natural that you both piss each other off sometimes and there will be little bumps along the way. Both of you need to make an effort to work together to sort them out. Relationships do require compromise and effort on both sides.

YABVU by taking your "evidence" from TikTok or a few people you know. Its confirmation bias isnt it- if you look for something, you'll find it. Noone would go on TikTok to say "I have a great husband and all is well" because its boring and mundane and TikTok thrives on drama and people watching and most people wouldnt watch a video like that.

Its a bit like the news- people pay attention to sad and sensationalistic stories far more than stories saying "all is ok" so therefore you never hear about all the great relationships because noone makes a huge thing about them. That makes the crappy, dramatic scenarios seem more common/rife.

Its your reticular activating system- it looks for confirmation of your existing beliefs and ignores the outliers that suggest the opposite.

I've been happily with DH for 20 years. We're 40 and 42. No kids.

Yes he adds to my mental load. Nothing I've tried has totally fixed this and I have to say I've slightly given up at this point. As we've not got kids (never wanted them) the mental load isn't huge anyway.
And he's retrained and works away monday-friday now, so I figure with me working mainly from home, I do have more time these days than he does.
Don't get me wrong, it gets me down from time to time.

But he's my best friend, confidante, so supportive and encouraging of anything I want to do at work, he's good to my family and tolerates my difficult mum, he's loyal and trustworthy, and I like the companionship of always having someone there to do things with.

I really like that you replied with a different point of view and your point is valid however I think the reason the video I seen about the daughter nails had so many views and reactions is because it's relatable to so many women unfortunately.

Personally my ex has never cut my Childs nails even when asked it's a small task but parenting should be 50/50 he also isn't doing the guttering or climbing the roof.

For a lot most of the contribution is financial but personally I Dont think financially providing makes your partner your servant

@biscuitsnow actually I'm here so get other peoples opinions not confirm my belief it's been really nice to see the amount of people who've said their partner is their best friend.

I've not given up on dating so hopefully I meet someone like that. From the messages it seems to be just luck of the draw lol

It really depends on the partner. My DP is amazing and does his equal share. I know of many like that, and of course many who are just awful, lazy man-children.

Depends on the relationship

I've been with my DP 25 years, never a cross word. We're both calm, respectful people who pull our weight. My life is infinitely better with him around

I don't think it does depend on the partner. I think it depends on the woman. Some people are genuinely happier alone no matter how wonderful the man. I discovered in my 30's I was much happier alone and that is still the case 20 years later. No awful relationships, no abuse etc just prefer being single. Life is short, live the life you want, not the one expected of you.
Interestingly I've noticed a lot of the young 20 something women I work with are choosing the single life, one is currently planning a baby alone, some are about to take time out to go travelling. It's lovely seeing so many young women taking control of their lives and refusing to the accept the role society expects of them.

I have been with my husband for 30 years. We are a team who respect each other and are one of the few couples we know with an equal relationship in terms of work, domestic labour and childcare. I wouldn’t have settled for anything less.

If I had one of the partners I read about on MN I would definitely choose singledom.

Two of my DC are donor IVF. I definitely found it harder with DC1 as his dad did next to nothing, and it was harder for me doing 80% and fighting about it than just doing 100% and getting on with it, and not fighting about any decisions. (However child maintenance is a help now we've split.)

I also grew up with my mum getting stuck in abusive relationships so emotionally I've always been a bit :/ about the idea of getting 'stuck' with someone, although rationally I know that not every relationship is like that. Of course being in a good relationship, with someone who loves and cares about you and shares the good and bad times, would be amazing, and also easier on a practical level (don't have to take all the kids everywhere etc). And it's hard sometimes when I'm ill or worrying about something or have to take the kids to A&E because there's no one else, it's just me, and that part can be lonely.

But yes in terms of my personal experience, being a single parent is easier. And when some people were shocked by my decision to use a donor, and asked if I'd 'given up' on relationships, I looked at their own relationships and thought...I wouldn't be married to that man for anything!

My relationship is the easiest thing about my life. He makes everything easier and I would never want to be without him.

Have high standards and accept nothing less.

I have two friends who are single mums by choice via IVF and I actually envy them! The only negative is the lack of child support.

Sorry, that is not the only negative of parenting alone. You’d be naive to think so.

I thought you might bring Dolan up, and I've spoke about him before.

He has been debunked quite thoroughly since then (and he's acknowledged this). His own data show that women are happiest when married with children. Bit embarrassing considering he wrote a book about it.

I'm curious as to what proper research has been done.

Statistically, women outlive men. Anecdotally, men only seem to want to date younger, so when you factor in the age gap as well as average life expectancy, there have got to be more women being unpaid carers, and that's bound to take a physical and mental toll.

I think a lot of life admin is seen as women's work, and it's learned behaviour from parental relationships from a different generation, so in a lot of heterosexual couples, women will take on that extra load without thinking about it.

Admittedly, there are plenty of other factors in play... but the age point has got to be the most significant in proving why it's better for men to be in relationships than women? Or perhaps there's a difference in getting married in your 20s than say, in your 40s. In your 40s, the % of time you must end up spending on unpaid caring has got to be higher. Settle down when you're younger and you at least get some 'good' decades.

PS This is a hugely unscientific hypothesis based on my own observations and assumptions. If you could back it up or disprove it with actual science, I'd find that a fascinating read.

Looking after your own kids is not a "personal strength" and yes if a man doesn't cut his own child's nails he is incompetent. There is no skill required to do it, it's basic common sense. This whole post is old fashioned nonsense.

I've been single for 10 years. I dated a bit, but not in the past 5 years.

Relationships exhaust me and I just cba with it all. I prefer my own company and get too stressed when I have to think too much about someone else. Even the best relationships involve a fair amount of compromise.

I'm Autistic and I do believe (for me) that this has a bearing on my happy, single status. I'm never bored and I'm never lonely due to my strong preference for peace and quiet and doing my own thing all the time.

Just to also add. All the moment I know (friends and family, including my Mum) have all said that I'd they had found themselves single again at 40+ then they wouldn't have bothered seeking out another relationship.

Anecdotal, but I always find this quite telling.

Knowing a bit about the women who've said it, I think it's because they feel frazzled / exhausted and their relationships contribute to their stress.

I wonder if maybe we're happier in a relationship at a younger age, and happier single at an older age...

I mean, the older we get, the more shit we have to deal with, so the less capacity we have to carry someone else's as well as our own.

I think it is so dependent on the relationship. I wouldn't want to be without my DH, he is my best friend and we are a true partnership. However my mum has never wanted to marry again since her divorce. She was essentially a single mum and housekeeper to three children and my dad, despite working 30 hours a week in a much more physical job than my dad's. She's much happier on her own, she doesn't even like any of us DDs visiting for more than a night or two - I don't blame her!

There's a ton of research on this sort of thing, all you have to do it look for it. When you do, you find that men and women are supposed to complement each other.

Ultimately, a good relationship is good for you, so try to get a good relationship. That's really all there is to it.

I don't know about the 'admin/mental load.' stuff, but if that were a factor then women wouldn't live longer when married, yet they do.

To your other points, men tend to select for beauty and fertility (younger), whereas women tend to select for wealth and status (older).

#NotAll to this and anything else I say, obviously, but this is the trend.

Women are more social than men are (I.e. more friends of higher quality). This is partly why men live longer when married, as they gain access to the woman's social resources. Another reason is that women can care for them, and give them a reason to care for themselves. (The exaggerated stereotype of a single man living in a barren flat with just a bed, chair, and TV, exists for a reason.)

Social resources are linked to life expectancy, and it's why women don't tend to fare as badly when their partner dies; they usually have a good social support system, whereas men do not, and as such they tend to wither very quickly if their wife dies.

That said, if you lose your beloved husband of many years then it's not unreasonable to expect that a woman will also suffer a reduced lifespan. This is backed up by a lowered life expectancy for the woman where there is a large age gap.

100%

Financially I find it way harder being a single parent. But in every other way I prefer it.

You explain why men do better in a relationship, but not why women do if they already have wealth and status. I'm still not convinced.

I completely see why a relationship is better for a man. I agree with you on that part. But I don't see anything to explain why it's better for a woman who has her own money, other than to fit in with societal expectations.

As it's nice to have company? A ready made "best mate" who you know will attend most thongs you want to do and go on holiday with.

Someone to bring you a cup of tea in the morning.

Keep you warm at night and yes have sex with.

I am not sure at 51 I'd get another of this one fails but that's more as I can't imagine putting up other most men's crap and I doubt they would mine. Luckily mine is happy for me to game all weekend whilst he programmes. He cooks and I wash clothes and organise shipping. But it wouldn't r much work to do it all if I had to.

I'd probably get a cat to be fair if single.

Because most people like having a companion to share their lives with, to have children and build a family with, and to grow old with.

Frankly, it's myopic to think of a relationship purely in terms of input/output.

For me this isn't the case at all, my relationship of over 27 years is a happy one and our life is much better together than apart. Its great to have a loving supportive partner, someone who is always on my side, who picks up the slack when I am ill, someone to share all of life's joys and sorrows with. I could go on but you get the picture.

However reading mumsnet has informed me that not everyone has that and so I think if you do find being single easier then I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I don't think I'd have been as happy with anyone other than DH.

@CoatRack I don't think it is myopic when you've lived through an abusive relationship - I think it's smart. Not questioning what I was getting out of a relationship is how I ended up making myself small and letting a man swindle me financially and ruin friendships and career opportunities. If a relationship doesn't make your life better overall, why be in one? And to understand if it makes your life better you do have to look at inputs/outputs.

@burnoutbabe The only thing on your list that requires a man is sex. And, TBH, the older you get, the more likely it is that the man will have performance issues anyway.