To think relationships are more work than being single

[Greenhouse12]

I can admit that I'm slightly cynical being newly single after being in a rubbish relationship for too long.

But I feel as if almost every friend I have has a story about there partner being incompetent. Everytime I go on tiktok I see these videos of women joking about asking their husband to do something simple to help and them not being able to or not knowing basic information like their Childs birthday.

I seen one yesterday about a man who thought his child was vitamin deficient because her nails never grew… he had just never cut them

I know it's not all men and I work with some great ones but recently it just looks more hassle than its worth.

I have two friends who are single mums by choice via IVF and I actually envy them! The only negative is the lack of child support.

Please restore my faith in relationships or if you have any stories about the extra mental load from having a partner

I think you have to reach a compromise when you share your life with another adult. You have to do that many many times over the course of years, and then decades. Depending on the person and their values, the nature and reach of the compromises may be too much for you, or grow to be cumulatively too much over time, weighed against the benefits of being with the person. Or, it may not.

Certainly financially it is harder, long term, to be single, and it's especially harder for women in general, financially. I look in particular at women my mum's age, and indeed at my own mum, married to grumpy old men that they have to carefully and endlessly manage, but for whom surviving on their own single pension would be unthinkable. For some that's a compromise too far. For others, it isn't.

I think it really depends.

Bad relationship? Much easier being single. Any kind of relationship that brings you stress and pain you are better off without.

Good relationship? Easier (in some ways, especially financially) and more satisfying being in a relationship. Half the work, half the stress/mental load, someone to share your ups and downs with.

Also, 'relationships' aren't necessarily romantic. Almost every type of relationship requires work of some description be that friendships, familial, etc. Ultimately though humans are social creatures and we need each other, there's very few people who are happy completely and totally alone.

No, a relationship with the right person makes life a breeze. No arguments, a friend who pulls weight, adds joy into every day and who is your favourite companion. It’s lovely.

All the research shows that (heterosexual) relationships benefit men's physical and mental health and extend their life expectancy but have a detrimental effect on women's physical and mental health and life expectancy.

There will of course be exceptions to this rule, and we are so socialised to want to be in a relationship that we often ignore the adverse impact of relationships on ourselves.

My DH makes my life soooo much easier. This week he's done every night with the baby, the majority of pickups, gone round and tidied the entire house this evening...

I can't imagine staying with someone if they made your life HARDER. The whole point of a relationship is to help eachother out and make life that bit nicer...

For women yes.
Men, no.

This.

I don't think you've ever actually looked at any research. If you did, you'd know that although men gain the most, marriage increases life expectancy for both men and women.

I would be utterly lost without my husband. It would be awful to be alone without him.

I genuinely can't imagine life without my husband. He is completely amazing. We work well as a team together to make each other lives easier.

Depends on the partner, I'm a lone parent and I don't find it easier doing everything myself with no partner.

Isn't it interesting then that it's mostly women who want relationships / marriage/ babies but men are mostly happy to be single / play the field/ keep options open and not settle down? Seems from everyone I know irl and on here it's mostly women who want relationships funny that

I don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship again.

I had a couple of back-to-back serious long-term relationships when I was 18. I fell into them, it was socially normal... I dated for a bit after that, also normal... then I realised I hated it all and stopped looking.

I've been on my own for a long time now and I've done so much better in terms of the quality of my lifestyle and career. I honestly feel that being with a man was holding me back.

When in relationship, I felt pressurised to put him first, subsidise him, do what he wanted to do, look a certain way, adapt my working hours, do all the life admin...

I have complete freedom now.

People say life is cheaper in a relationship. It isn't. I'm only paying for my own choices and I'm now a homeowner with a good job. I haven't inherited a thing, or taken family money - I've got here on my own. The path I took here got quicker to run down when I was single.

I've survived some really horrific things in recent years, and the thing is, I am pretty sure being a relationship would have made it worse. There were a couple of men chasing me at the time and I know they saw my grief as an opportunity to 'win' me. It gave me the ick and they cannot understand why I don't want anything to do with them now.

I just don't think any man who has ever professed to love me really knows what love is. Love is not making myself smaller so a man can take up more space. Or if it is, I reject it. It's not something I want.

I feel like when I was little, I was conditioned to think that being a relationship was something to aim for. Now I'm older, I enjoy having the space to be selfish and put myself first. It's the little things like watching what I want on Netflix and eating what I want to.

I enjoy my own company. And I have an active social life.

Women generally live longer, so if I got married, chances are, I'd still be single on my deathbed.

My friends are between 20 years younger than me and 30 years older than me. I'm sure someone will be left to see me before I die.

When men complain about women’s behaviour online they are labelled misogynists & spreading harmful rhetoric

When women complain about men’s behaviour online they are supported & it’s seen as evidence that men will drag us down in a relationship

Bad relationships are more work than being single, but in general being single is not easier than being in a relationship

Because when you are in a team both players help & complement each other

In the past we had more defined roles so each team member would play to their own strengths & roles were divided + conquered

But today men & women today are seen as needing to be good at the same roles in order to prove their worthiness as a partner

If a woman complains that a man hasn’t cut his daughter’s nails then is he automatically incompetent?

Or is it possible while she is inside cutting baby’s nails that he is busy with some other chore that isn’t her personal strength, like fixing the boiler or up on the roof cleaning the gutters ?

When someone complains about their partner’s ineptitude at a role or task, we only hear one side & may not see a full, realistic picture of the relationship as a whole

I'm definitely of the 'relationships are hard work' view.

The men I meet seem to expect I should organise their social lives or cook MasterChef grade meals or be up for weekend travel to Europe.

Somehow they can't see what's right in front of their noses, that I have a career, work full time, and have full time care of my ds for at least another 18 months. I'm offering a warm friendly relationship where we go to the pub at the weekend or see friends locally. Share a companionable pot of chilli and a glass of wine. And a bed. Run ParkRun. Watch a film.

Don't people relax any more? I rush around all week. I just don't need the hassle or the criticism.

@JordanPeterson In your experience being in a relationship is easier than being single.

In my experience... it's really not. And as I get older, I'm leaning into my own experiences rather than trying to follow societal norms.

A lot of men complaining about women online are expecting women to change and do their bidding.

I might be complaining about men, but I'm not expecting them to change. I've finally accepted all their limitations and... I've opted out. I see what they have to offer and it doesn't make my life better, so no thank you.

I only think there is an issue in complaining if you expect the other person to magically fit your ideals.

I think men and women are wired very differently, and if you're straight (as I am), that's a problem, as you're going to have to make a lot of compromises to be in a relationship. The older I get, the less I want to compromise. I don't want to take up less space. I want to take up more.

Whether it's all men, or just the men I seem to attract, it doesn't really matter, because the only men in my orbit do not make my life better and I don't want my life to be worse. I need to make my own choices based on what's right for me as a woman with the time I have left on this planet, not based on what's right for all womankind.

I totally agree.. That's why I'm single and my devoted dog is the best male I've ever lived with( sons excepted)

Well, yes, it's 'easier' but kind of more depressing than being in a good relationship to me. A bit like how not working would probs be easier but also shitter.

But these types of threads always bring out the disgruntled women so you'll not get a very balanced view.

One person = your own bullshit.

Two people = twice the bullshit.

And I can usually tolerate myself lol.

I don't live with my partner, though. We both like our freedom and it works for us both.

Been with my husband 21 years. I can’t imagine anything different. He’s my best friend and fab

@CoatRack ok, maybe I should have said "the latest research" instead of "all the research"

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

(Big studies prior to this were affected by selection bias)

The right relationship isn't hard work. It's different to being single obvs, you have to give and take where you didn't before. But if it's hard work, it's not right. (Imo anyway)

I think all relationships are more work than being single. It’s just that some of them are worth that extra effort. The rewards exceed the costs, and/or they here is a transformative effect where the whole exceeds the sum of the parts.

It’s more and more difficult to achieve that though. Sometimes it because people have bad attitudes, sometimes it’s because they are too just busy and the rest of their lives are too hard. A lot of it is an increasingly transactional attitude to things.