Am I heartless selfish b**ch if I say no to my friend with cancer

[Scorcher79]

So I have a close friend living in Texas who got cancer over a year ago and has been through the mill with chemo, had to get a kidney removed etc. We've been friends for almost 20 years and stayed in touch despite living in different continents over the years. I know she values my friendship and sees me as a sister. I've visited her in Poland, Spain and Texas where she now lives on 2 occasions. While I love her dearly & consider her a good friend, she can be extremely high maintenance& very needy at times which I find hard to handle at times. At one stage a few years ago I had to take a step back from the friendship as I was finding the friendship quite draining. The problem is she is one of those people that I think has never learned to be comfortable with herself and her own company and is quite unhappy in herself. She can also be very negative and complains about everything and for the last ten years or so I've had to listen to her complain about every aspect of her life in Texas. On the other hand she's a very empathetic, kind, intelligent, loyal and supportive friend. Last year, just after she found out she had cancer, she asked me to come over from Ireland where I live and be there for her whilst she was starting out on her cancer journey. Despite some misgivings , I went over to her in the height of August when the heat was brutal and it was almost impossible to be out during the day. I can't say I enjoyed my time there and to be honest I hated Texas and found the heat absolutely brutal so was never so glad to leave and get back to cool& green Ireland. It was also an emotional rollercoaster of a trip and quite exhausting in many ways.
It's now almost 9 months later and she's been doing a lot better, in a much more positive frame of mind and the chemo seems to have worked. She's been looking better, her hair's grown back and she generally seems in better spirits. However, she texted me today saying that she wanted to chat to me and had a proposal for me. Because I know her and how she thinks, I'm 99% sure she's going to ask me to come out to Texas again and offer to pay for my flights etc. I'm dreading it. I have absolutely no desire to ever set foot in Texas ever again nor do I particularly want to listen to her complain about how unhappy she is there. Can I say no or am I a total selfish bitch if I do?

Incidentally, she doesn't have a partner( a source of a lot of unhappiness for her) or a large family-parents both dead& she has just 2 sisters, neither of whom have even gone over to be with her during her cancer treatment (a bit of a dysfunctional sibling relationship)I am probably the closest thing she has to family . This I feel puts a lot of pressure on me as her friend...

Going against the grain here, but I would go. When you went last time, you may well have found the heat “brutal” but that was a short term thing. And honestly, I’m not sure how much I would expect to “enjoy” a week with a friend at the start of her cancer treatment, irrespective of where she was in the world. I wouldn’t be there for me, I’d be there for her. She was at the start of a long term, awful journey and no changes in weather were going to fix that for her. You could get on a plane and go home to your “cool green”. She really couldn’t. That of course is in no way your fault, or your responsibility, but if she was my friend? I would go back to support her. Literally everywhere in Texas has aircon…stay inside but be supportive.

I would be very open to that and would much prefer that. The other thing is I've just quit my job and need to take some time out for myself while I figure out what to do next... I'm also going to have to rely on savings in the interim as I quit my job but don't have anything to go to....not too worried now but am sure I might be down the line....

Thanks to everyone who has responded already. I can't respond to everyone individually but there's some good options and advice there. I would be much more open to her coming over and visiting or staying with me or even somewhere in Europe but I really hate the thought of Texas. She's also so negative about the place that I cannot comprehend how she has stuck it out for so long there. I think she's got a real fear of change and is very "stuck". She tells me how lonely she is and how much she dislikes the American way of life that it rubs off on me and I found it quite wearing over the years. Hence the lack of desire to return there. Have also been over and back to the US(have family in Connecticut) a lot in the last couple of years and being selfish about it, I'd rather go somewhere new & less expensive in Europe. I put my plans on hold for her last August when I flew over to spend time with her and I don't know if I want to do that again. Not to mention the financial cost when I'm going to be unemployed in a week's time! Even if she paid for my flights I'd still need spending money and emergency cash which would make a dent in my savings....savings I'm going to need in the next few months!

You would be mad to go, OP. Sounds like a waste of money and valuable time to consider your next move.

You’ve been to Texas twice to see her, people really need to stop guilt tripping you into going back. I agree with you on Texas, you couldn’t pay me to go there either.

Of course you can say no. You care about your friend, but presumably you also have other people and things in your life, including the search for another job.

Same here. I'm Australian, been to California twice and nothing would get me to go to Texas!

OP's friend hates the place, so it's never going to be a good visit regardless of the weather. Plus OP needs to save her money, time and energy to look for work.

Say you cant go this year ...
Make any excuse
Cant get time off
Started a new job/project
Undergoing tests so cant make plans
Noone to look after pets/elderly ryc

It is totally ok for you to say no. You are not able to make the trip at this time. You are glad she is better.

I lived in Texas for 8 years and pretty much hated every minute of it. So, I get it. Absolutely. And it's not a cheap or easy journey (assuming you're coming from the UK) Perhaps it's time to suggest a trip to you, or a more neutral desirable place to meet.

Lived there for 8 years. There is nothing to do if you are a visitor.

You don't have to say yes to things you don't want to do. I can't help but feel sorry for her tho

Of course you can say no. Be kind but honest when you tell her.

Write down some stock answers so you are prepared.
Then depending on her proposal pick responses from your list.
For example:
Hell no, the heat is insufferable.
I’m looking for a new job so can’t make any plans.
Without going into details I’m awaiting results from the hospital.
I’m saving up this year, so not travelling at all.

I'd see what her proposal is, and tell her you'll think about it, whatever it is. You don't have to agree or disagree straight away, just take the time you need to mull it over and then give her your answer.
You don't have to agree or do anything that you don't want to. That doesn't make you a bitch.
Your friend having cancer is awful but it doesn't mean you can't disagree with her plans for your time and money.

Call her and see what she is suggesting. Then, if she does want you to visit, say that you have been to Texas already so to meet somewhere else or for her to come to you.

Feel your pain with that scenario. I think you will have to develop menopausal hot flushes that mean you cannot face temperatures over 25 degrees!!

You need to know what it is, so I'd reply to your friend saying that it sounds big and you're happy to listen but whatever it is you won't give her a decision that day. Thus giving you space to think it through and not feel bounced.

Have some alternative suggestions ready. Like Boston in September.
If you want to!! If you can afford to!

One thing to consider is that if she was always needy and high maintenance, you might be looking at a bottomless pit of need. I fell into this situation once where I kept assuming that if I did enough their needs would be met and I would be able to cut loose.
It doesn’t work that way. If you disappoint them they will be unhappy, if you make them happy they will decide the time was too short or infrequent so they are still unhappy. Basically you will never reach a point where they say thank you, I feel great now, your work here is done, and for compassionate people this can be EXHAUSTING.
So you need to be the one who decides in advance how much energy you have to give and turn that tap off when you are done. They will always want more. You can only be a long term supportive friend if you learn to turn your tap off and conserve your energy

Just be truthful and say that you can't afford even the spending money for a trip or for her to visit you (so she can't volunteer to pay for flights), and that you need to be fully focused on finding a new job. Then say, if you fancy it, maybe next year she could come to you or the 2 of you could do somewhere in Europe. You don't need to lie because you can't afford it and you do need a job. Be honest.

Steer the conversation from the outset. i.e. if she offers to fund a visit, say “that’s very generous, but I’ve been hoping for ages, that once you were well enough, you could come over to Ireland and stay with me. I’d love to see you, but feel the same way about Texas that you do, and I can’t stand the heat, so what do you think?” If she then becomes more insistent, or suggests a cooler time of year etc., mention your job situation, which complicates things, and you can always resort to “I really want to see you, but I’m sure you understand I need a bit of time to think over the logistics of coming to the States again with my circumstances about to change so dramatically!”

It took me a long time to start being more proactive with making arrangements, rather than just going along with things - usually fine, but occasionally not really what I would have chosen. Sometimes you need to be firm, even with a good friend, if you know you wouldn’t enjoy what they’re proposing.

I would go but I'm a people pleaser 😅

Thanks again to all you lovely people for the advice. @Happyinarcon I think you really got to the nub of the issue for me. I feel bad for her that her life has not turned out the way she would have liked and I am sorry that she's lonely and doesn't have a great support network and that now she has cancer. No-one deserves that. That said, she's been in Texas 10 years and been miserable and I have been trying to persuade her for years to move back to Europe where it would be easier to visit and she has a couple of friends in Spain or to at least look for a job in another US state she might like better. I do feel that she relies too much on other people for her happiness and like you say, I need to learn to "turn off the tap". I really thought that cancer might give her a new lease of life in a way and help her see that life is for living but she seems as needy and scared of her own shadow as ever. ...@maudelovesharold I like your diplomatic suggestions as to how to respond to her proposal. Thanks a lot!

Thanks @Justmuddlingalong that's probably the wisest course of action.

Yes, Heuston has hardly any trees or greenery or nature. Just miles and miles of concrete jungle, motorway and strip malls. I'm scared to drive there because it's so aggressive and hate that you can't walk anywhere either. Something we take so much for granted in Ireland! Sure there's some nice pockets of the city and some beautiful houses but overall for me the quality of life is nowhere as good as it is in Europe.