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Original poster

WWYD? Not a bridesmaid

71 replies

OlivePombear · 23/03/2024 17:07

I don’t know if this is the right place for this but I’m feeling quite conflicted and I would like some advice/ insight into what to do.

I have a friend who I would consider a close friend. She and her partner have stayed with me and my husband for 3 months in the past when they were between homes and pregnant, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and lived down the road from me for 4 years (she has now relocated to about 4 hours away). Im god mother to her eldest.

She and her partner are now getting married, they have been engaged for some time but only just set a date last year. She came down to visit last summer and told me she wasn’t asking me to be a bridesmaid as I don’t live close enough. I was hurt but ultimately that’s her decision so I haven’t said anything. However, she rang me a few days ago and has asked me to organise her hen do, she’s sending me a list of the people she wants to invite and I’ve been asked to organise.

Complete disclosure I think she might have mentioned this at the time she told me I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, as she mentioned still wanting me to be involved in wedding things such as ideas for the hen do but I definitely didn’t click I was expected to organise it. I was completely caught by surprise so I’ve kind of agreed to it but the more I think about it I just feel really upset about the whole thing. Like, isn’t that pretty much the only thing your bridesmaids actually organise? I feel like I’ve essentially been told I’m not a good enough friend for her to want to be stood next to her on the day but I’m expected to do all the actual work of a bridesmaid.

I feel like telling her I’m not comfortable doing this and the whole thing has upset me, but this may well end our friendship, WWYD?

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 23/03/2024 17:08

Tell her you live too far away to organise the hen do and she should ask someone who lives closer.

RichardsGear · 23/03/2024 17:09

Who is her bridesmaid then? Just say you think it's best if the actual bridesmaid does all that because it goes with the territory.

Nudgethatjudge · 23/03/2024 17:11

I'd say to ask someone else who lives near her because it would be easier. Not in an arsey way but on a practical level.

Personally I don't see why distance is an issue in being a bridesmaid, its a few dress fittings and a few days for the wedding. I was bridesmaid for friends and I live 3 hours away from them all.

skippy67 · 23/03/2024 17:12

My hen do was organised by one of my friends who wasn't my bridesmaid. She volunteered though, so a bit different to your situation. If you don't want to do it, just say no.

RichardsGear · 23/03/2024 17:13

I wonder if she's clumsily trying to have you involved but not realising that it's a bit crap really. Mind I've been a bridesmaid twice and would much rather have been a common or garden guest sitting at a table with my husband and friends instead of top table, and having a drink and a laugh and not having to hang around for photos etc.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/03/2024 17:13

As you’re too far away, she’d better get one of her bridesmaids to organise it.

IncompleteSenten · 23/03/2024 17:14

Do you have money? Do you think she's expecting you to fork out for stuff?

Alwaysoneoddsock · 23/03/2024 17:14

It’s a tough one to answer. I’m a total pushover (and wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid) so I would organise it still. Is she having any adult bridesmaids? If she was only having children I wouldn’t be offended by not being asked. Perhaps you could ask why the bridesmaid isn’t organising it and see what she says?

Viewfrommyhouse · 23/03/2024 17:14

Why any grown adult woman wants to be a bridesmaid is beyond me. Think of it as a lucky escape.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 23/03/2024 17:15

Any idea what sort of hen she's expecting?

Local dinner or weekend in Marbs?

pictoosh · 23/03/2024 17:16

Ohh noo...I am not an organiser and would dread being asked to organise a hen do even if I was a bridesmaid. In your position I wouldn't want to do it at all.
I'd probably say no (very nicely) and risk the friendship tbh.

PhoenixReincarnated · 23/03/2024 17:16

I'd be tempted to message her saying I don't think it's a good idea to organise her hen do as I live 4 hours away. I'd also suggest she gets her bridesmaids to do it as it's their job.

If it ends the friendship then she wasn't really a friend in the first place.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/03/2024 17:17

YANBU. Just say you live too far away and it is a job for the bridesmaids to do.

Notreat · 23/03/2024 17:18

FionnulaTheCooler · 23/03/2024 17:08

Tell her you live too far away to organise the hen do and she should ask someone who lives closer.

I think this is the perfect response.
You don't have to tell her you are upset. But just say thinking about it you don't think it makes sense for you to organise it as isn't that the bridesmaids job and also it should be organised by someone local.

pictoosh · 23/03/2024 17:20

Being a bridesmaid is actually a pain in the arse btw. You're expected to do and turn up for all sorts as well as dress to the bride's taste and what have you. Would much rather be a guest. Far less hassle.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/03/2024 17:20

Viewfrommyhouse · 23/03/2024 17:14

Why any grown adult woman wants to be a bridesmaid is beyond me. Think of it as a lucky escape.

Exactly how I feel. The one time I was a bridesmaid, I absolutely hated it. I was 6...

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 23/03/2024 17:21

And I agree, I'd flip her distance excuse back on her.

Hi ### given distance etc, I think it's best if one of the bridesmaids arranges the hen.

Organising a hen is possibly one of the worst tasks imaginable. It's hardly an honour.

senua · 23/03/2024 17:21

She and her partner are now getting married, they have been engaged for some time but only just set a date last year.
Can I just check: are you invited to the actual wedding? All day or evening?

Fortitudinal · 23/03/2024 17:22

Yes please say you aren’t up for organising the hen do because you’re too far away.

Don’t be a doormat.

Notonthestairs · 23/03/2024 17:22

Did she say why she wanted you to organic? It seems very odd to rope in a guest to organise it. Is it going to be near your area or are most of the attendees in your area?

pictoosh · 23/03/2024 17:23

It's a big ask btw. Imho. Hopefully she's prepared for a no...but something tells me she imagines it's an honour of some sort.

It isn't. Not for me anyway.

senua · 23/03/2024 17:23

Notonthestairs · 23/03/2024 17:22

Did she say why she wanted you to organic? It seems very odd to rope in a guest to organise it. Is it going to be near your area or are most of the attendees in your area?

Oooh, that would be fun - organise it for your neck of the woods, not hers.Grin

opentoadvice88 · 23/03/2024 17:25

YANBU. I would say I’d hate to step on her bridemaids’ toes & think they should organise but you can’t wait to attend 😉

GreatGateauxsby · 23/03/2024 17:25

The bridesmaids organise the hen do.
tell her you live too far away and one of the bridesmaids should do it.

btw organising a hen is a fucking nightmare. I did it once… NEVER again.

edit: actually I lie. Being a bridesmaid was a fucking nightmare. The time. The money. The lack of appreciation or acknowledgement of my efforts. Never again.

Original poster
OlivePombear · 23/03/2024 17:28

Thanks for your replies everyone, I think I’m mostly just feeling like I might be being unfair if I say no now as I’ve kind of agreed to it as a reflex reaction.

To answer a few questions:

  • she’s looking for something very chilled. Spa or something similar followed by dinner and drinks.
  • im sure it’s not about money, she has more than me!
  • she’s having 3 adult bridesmaids, 2 live quite close and one I’m not quite sure where, her husband is in the forces so moves around.
OP posts: