WWYD? Not a bridesmaid

[OlivePombear]

I don’t know if this is the right place for this but I’m feeling quite conflicted and I would like some advice/ insight into what to do.

I have a friend who I would consider a close friend. She and her partner have stayed with me and my husband for 3 months in the past when they were between homes and pregnant, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and lived down the road from me for 4 years (she has now relocated to about 4 hours away). Im god mother to her eldest.

She and her partner are now getting married, they have been engaged for some time but only just set a date last year. She came down to visit last summer and told me she wasn’t asking me to be a bridesmaid as I don’t live close enough. I was hurt but ultimately that’s her decision so I haven’t said anything. However, she rang me a few days ago and has asked me to organise her hen do, she’s sending me a list of the people she wants to invite and I’ve been asked to organise.

Complete disclosure I think she might have mentioned this at the time she told me I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, as she mentioned still wanting me to be involved in wedding things such as ideas for the hen do but I definitely didn’t click I was expected to organise it. I was completely caught by surprise so I’ve kind of agreed to it but the more I think about it I just feel really upset about the whole thing. Like, isn’t that pretty much the only thing your bridesmaids actually organise? I feel like I’ve essentially been told I’m not a good enough friend for her to want to be stood next to her on the day but I’m expected to do all the actual work of a bridesmaid.

I feel like telling her I’m not comfortable doing this and the whole thing has upset me, but this may well end our friendship, WWYD?

'Deaf cff, I was quite surprised when you asked me to organise your hen do and honestly just answered quickly. On reflection I think this honour should go to one of your bridesmaids who live close by you. I know they'd do a great job. Speak soon x'

Sorry I don’t know how to directly answer any posts!

• yes we are both invited to the whole wedding
• i totally agree that organising hen dos are a nightmare, I’ve done one before and it was awful, it’s probably the main reason why I really don’t want to do this!!
• yes it will be local to her which is approx 4 hours away from me. I don’t know who else she wants invited yet as she hasn’t sent me the list but I imagine there’ll be a few from down this way as she lived here for 4 years

As the hen is going to be close to her then absolutely tell her it needs to be one of her bridesmaids who organises it. Bloody rude of her to ask in my opinion.

Tell her it would be better for one of her bridesmaids to do it as they live locally and you look forward to seeing her there . Keep it breezy if you actually want to maintain the friendship .

I organised my own hen do (lunch at a lovely pub) so I'm always baffled by these threads where grown women expect a friend to arrange a full weekend dedicated to them. Absolutely fine to say it will be difficult for you to organise a hen do in a part of the country you don't live, so it would be more sensible if one of the bridesmaids took over.

Perfect. But be careful with the "can't wait to attend" - see the budget first before you commit!

"yes it will be local to her which is approx 4 hours away from me."

Perfect reason to suggest one of the local bridesmaids organises it. She's a cheeky sod.

Can you ask her to share the details of the bridesmaids as you'd like help organizing, then delegate guest list, decorations etc to them?

I'd reply to her and say that you've thought about organising the hen do and don't want to step on the toes of the bridesmaids as it's their job really so with that in mind you'd rather she asked them to organise it.

I agree with the posters who say to message her saying it will be best if someone:a bridesmaid who lives locally to her organises it.

Say no but pretend it's because you think it's best for her.

You've been thinking, you're so touched that she would ask you and you said yes but having reflected on it you think that whilst it's coming from a good place, it really is a bridesmaid duty and you dont want to tread on any toes and cause an atmosphere and youd be much happier just turning up and having fun.

Yes, this and add that it’s a bridesmaid duty and you don’t want to take over from those in that role.

Fuck that. Hen do’s are a nightmare to organise. Very few people want to do it and only really put up with it because it goes with the territory of being a bridesmaid. It’s really cheeky that she’s asked you. Just say that you’ve thought about it and think it’ll be better if her bridesmaids do it.

I wonder if her bridesmaid are a bit shit at organising things and that is why she’s asked you?

I understand that you were caught off guard but my actual response would have been to ask if she was joking given that her thoughts on you being a bridesmaid were that the distance was too great so how is it different to organising her hen do?
I'd definitely go back to her and say that after you've given it some thought the distance is too great and one of her actual bridesmaids can do it given that it's part of the role.
I'd also think carefully as to if you actually want to continue the friendship as it would seem she isn't quite the good friend you thought.

I've had a rethink and as I don't know your area it'll be best to get one of your local bridesmaids to sort this.

Let me know the time and place! X

Pass it on. You don't find any joy doing it and you don't owe her as a non bridemaid.

I really appreciate all the responses and I agree I need to pass it back to her to ask a bmaid or someone more local to do it, I’m off to get my courage in a glass of wine! Thank you all again.

I had this with another friend. We were told that although we weren't bridesmaids, we were part of the "bride team" or "team bride" or something like that and it was our job to organise the hen. I think because we're both very organised. Anyway, other friend was very keen to do it thankfully so I sat back and let her.

It did feel a bit like all the hard work with none of the nice bits. I think the maid of honour/chief bridesmaid should organise the hen.

Well done OP! Good luck!

Let us know how that goes. You just need to say - on second thoughts I don’t think I can arrange a hen do l, I wouldn’t want to soften in the bridesmaids toes and it’s tradition they organise it for you. Just be frank and honest.

It will be really hard for you as you won’t have the knowledge of spas etc that are 4 hours away from where you live - it’s a very good reason not to do what is often an expensive and thankless task (from what I have read on here!)

I wouldn't be bothered about not being a bridesmaid, but would probably tell her I wasn't able to organise the hen.

This is the perfect response

“I feel like telling her I’m not comfortable doing this and the whole thing has upset me, but this may well end our friendship”

If she ends a friendship based on you saying how her actions have made you feel then it isn’t a good friendship

please don’t be a push over here - you need to tell her how you feel