WWYD? Not a bridesmaid

[OlivePombear]

I don’t know if this is the right place for this but I’m feeling quite conflicted and I would like some advice/ insight into what to do.

I have a friend who I would consider a close friend. She and her partner have stayed with me and my husband for 3 months in the past when they were between homes and pregnant, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and lived down the road from me for 4 years (she has now relocated to about 4 hours away). Im god mother to her eldest.

She and her partner are now getting married, they have been engaged for some time but only just set a date last year. She came down to visit last summer and told me she wasn’t asking me to be a bridesmaid as I don’t live close enough. I was hurt but ultimately that’s her decision so I haven’t said anything. However, she rang me a few days ago and has asked me to organise her hen do, she’s sending me a list of the people she wants to invite and I’ve been asked to organise.

Complete disclosure I think she might have mentioned this at the time she told me I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, as she mentioned still wanting me to be involved in wedding things such as ideas for the hen do but I definitely didn’t click I was expected to organise it. I was completely caught by surprise so I’ve kind of agreed to it but the more I think about it I just feel really upset about the whole thing. Like, isn’t that pretty much the only thing your bridesmaids actually organise? I feel like I’ve essentially been told I’m not a good enough friend for her to want to be stood next to her on the day but I’m expected to do all the actual work of a bridesmaid.

I feel like telling her I’m not comfortable doing this and the whole thing has upset me, but this may well end our friendship, WWYD?

Absolute cf, organise the hen? So all the stress of chasing people for money, and being left out of pocket when people don't pay?!
You need to read the thread where the cf bride had a friend do all the decorating and prepping the venue to not get a fucking invite despite paying for it all!

I also agree that this is a great response to CF!

👌

The other option is when you get the guest list, especially if there are people from your location in it, is tell CF bride that this all sounds great but you think it should be at your location.

Oh it sounds lovely CF! It’s just so hard organising things long distance! So much stress! I’ll need to check out venues, it’s much easier to organise transport and accommodation etc on my own patch! Or, thinking about, if you really want it near you, maybe best if your maid of honour organises it as she’ll know all the great places near you both? I’m happy to coordinate travel for the people from here down to whatever venue near you she can scout out. I’m sure it’ll be great!

You can't be a bridesmaid if you are married

She thinks you’re a mug OP. Don’t be.

Fuck your friend!

She can get her bridesmaids to organise her hen.

I was bridesmaid for one of my friends when I lived in China. It definitely wasn’t too far away.

I was bridesmaid to my friend living in Sydney and I was living in London. Too far away excuse is weird 🤷. Sod organising her hen do!

I've just read more of your replies. I can't believe the nerve of her. Please update us when you have told her you live too far away to organise a hen do there!

I would message her straight back saying that a bridesmaid who lives in the area does it

how bloody cheeky!! tell her you're too busy and it would be best if someone who lives nearer does it anyway

My sister had her three friends and my daughter as her bridesmaids but not me, I still organised the hen party, helped with wedding decor and buffet. I was a wee bit miffed but then thought fuck it, no point in getting upset about it.
They even all got dressed at my house on the day 😂

So she thinks making you do all the grunt work of a bridesmaid without actually being one will help you feel involved in her big day – sod that! Definitely tell her that, on reflection, one of her bridesmaids who lives closer to her should do it. If she does end the friendship, she wasn't a good friend in the first place.

That's an antiquated tradition that, thankfully, people ignore these days.

let her know asap, like right now, that you won’t be doing it before she starts telling other people you have agreed.

I appreciate that it's hard to say no to someone you've been close to.

But I think you'll be doing yourself a kindness by pushing back. You welcomed her into your home. You are a decent person and deserve to be treated as you would & have treated her.

Nah.

I was a bridesmaid for a friend, and organised 99% for the hen, and put in about 9h work on the wedding day (it was a "DIY" wedding, except "Y" stood for "You, thecats"). Making drinks, laying tables, getting glasses washed...

It was exhausting! I've run big events before, and been far less knackered. But what pissed me off most was that her "kooky, hippy" wedding a) didn't include choosing a nice outfit paid for by the bride and b) depended on me as a "best person" (bride too cool to call us bridesmaids) basically acting as staff for people she didn't like as much.

It left quite a sour taste in my mouth tbh. All the grunt work for none of the honour.

Why can’t you be a bridesmaid because you live a few hours away? That seems like an excuse because if you’re going anyway why does that matter. I’d just tell her to ask one of her bridesmaids to organise it as that’s a bridesmaids job. Maybe she’s trying to keep you included in the wedding but she’s not realised how that would make you feel

CF. Can’t be a bridesmaid but gets to do the shittest job a bridesmaid does, trying to get people organised and get money out of them.
What are the BM doing then?

You’ve had some good responses on here, I just wanted to join in and say she’s taking the piss. I’d be tempted to say if you are too far to be a BM you might be too far to attend the whole hen anyway, so best be someone from the actual bridal party.

I bet none of the actual BM have stepped up to do it and she doesn’t want to choose one. Not your problem.

Definitely say after some reflection you realise that it isn't practical for you to arrange it as you have no idea about venues etc close to her. Also that it is normally the bridesmaid's job and you wouldn't want to encroach on their territory.

I have to agree with everyone else.
Just let her know that, having had a couple of days to think about it, you realise it wouldn't be practical for you to do it from so far away, and that anyway you wouldn't want to take the job from the bridesmaids. That you are looking forward to the wedding.