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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents of children with anxiety ..

59 replies

tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:00

Do you ever feel utterly smothered?
My 14 year old is with me 24/7 when not at school or with his cousins. He refuses to leave house apart from these times and literally follows me around the house. I don't need to say that I love him with all of my heart and am heartbroken for him and all that he is missing oht in. He's had multiple interventions but the resounding conclusion from all professionals is that while he says he does, he really does not want to change and therefore does not use strategies given to him.
Last night, as I do every Friday night, I was in a group chat with friends on WhatsApp, eating my crisps, drinking my wine. He sat beside me for the majority of that time and then said he was going for a shower.
He then came down and starting shouting the odds about when I was going to bed, eh at was I doing, who I was talking to, what was I eating and drinking and said he wasn't happy about all of this as I said I was going to bed 'soon'. Said it all made him uncomfortable
He said I'm ' always' chatting to my froends( I dont really go out because of his anxiety) always staying up late, always eating crisps and drinking wine . The' always' thing was repeated . None of which is true .
I'm so done with it all. I now, it seems cannot even socialise on WhatsApp in my own home due to his anxiety , cannot go to bed when I want, cannot eat or drink what I want and feel constantly monitored and controlled.
AIBU to feel like this. Do I just give up these lovely relaxed weekly evenings for the sake of my child's anxious life. I'm a single parent and his anxiety is centred on fear of abandonment and trauma.

OP posts:
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:01

He then came down and starting shouting the odds about when I was going to bed, eh at was I doing, who I was talking to, what was I eating and drinking and said he wasn't happy about all of this as I said I was going to bed 'soon'. Said it all made him uncomfortable

this isn’t anxiety

this is very disturbing controlling behaviour of his mother op.

Christmastreegremlin · 23/03/2024 08:01

Whether he's anxious or not, it's not okay for him to be abusive and controlling.

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:02

is it just you and him?

this sounds like he’s got a very sinister hold over you op

Noicant · 23/03/2024 08:03

This sounds like an abusive relationship OP. If he were your DP instead of your DS mumsnetters would be raising the red flags. Can you access therapy yourself?

Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:05

I'm in therapy and I'm doing exactly as asked .. go out, explain when I'll be home, stick to plans , do my own thing also.
He has been accepted back to CAMHS following an asd assessment that came back negative and is engaging in psychotherapy from next week again.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:06

Can I ask if all of you are parents with children who have severe separation anxiety, just for context? I'd dearly love to know how it plays out in your own lives and what you do to cope.

OP posts:
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:06

tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:05

I'm in therapy and I'm doing exactly as asked .. go out, explain when I'll be home, stick to plans , do my own thing also.
He has been accepted back to CAMHS following an asd assessment that came back negative and is engaging in psychotherapy from next week again.

so what are you saying? things should change?

What’s he like re school? friends?

Leonarda89 · 23/03/2024 08:07

I wonder if family therapy would be more helpful for you? You mention his anxiety is rooted in trauma and fear of abandonment, this would suggest attachment difficulties to me and I imagine the relationship between you is the central part of his anxiety. I would try to find a therapist who specialises in developmental/relational trauma and try and work through this together.

Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:08

Yes family therapy would seem the best way forward. He is petrified that I am going to die.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:10

He doesn't have friends , hates school but tolerates it. He has been bullied and is frightened of the other boys and is always thinking that people are out to get him even when their antics are just messing about.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:11

Dad upped and left one day four years ago . He had anxiety prior to this as dad was shouty and otherwise absent , but after he left, his anxiety went to another level. I've recently been chatting to a lovely man with intentions to meet up. My son told me he isn't ready for that.
Where will this end ....

OP posts:
ProfessorPeppy · 23/03/2024 08:12

A common trait in autism is lack of personal boundaries i.e. not knowing where you ‘end’ and somebody else ‘begins’. It sounds like your DS hasn’t separated from you. He really needs more input from a professional on this, because it can’t carry on indefinitely.

Speak to the GP, speak to school, throw everything you have at this, because not changing is not an option.

Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:12

I'm praying that things will change as my own mental health cannot take much more.

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 23/03/2024 08:13

It's not really helpful to just say this is abusive and not ok. The OP knows that what she's asking is for a bit of support in sticking to her plans of creating space for herself even though it upsets her child.

And his behaviour is wrong but they need a plan to move past it. And no the OP wouldn't put up with it from a partner but she could tell a partner to leave she can't do that with her child.

My DD (16) is autistic and often her autism led to anxiety. She's not been in school for a year and has barely left the house. It is stifling for me and DH so we have had to be clear that we will go out and that she is ok without us. It's taken time and persistence to get to this point so I think you are doing the right thing by setting a boundary and sticking to it. Your son needs to go through a time where he is uncomfortable and that will be hard for him but if you just stay at home all the time then this will just get worse.

For your sake and his you need time apart

Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:14

Believe me, I've travelled all over to different professionals . I'm so thankful that CAMHS have accepted him back and that parallel to this psychotherapy with CBT will also begin soon. Attachment on his side has been flagged but it seems impossible to get provate accredited professionals to help him, up to now.

OP posts:
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:14

It's not really helpful to just say this is abusive and not ok. The OP knows that what she's asking

the doesn’t seem to “know that”

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:16

i don’t think this is all down to anxiety
sounds like a boy that has boy no doubt got away with a lot due to “anxiety” and has developed i to very controlling ways over his mother.

OP when he comes at you next with him not liking you messaging or what you’re eating etc… don’t dignify it with anything other than “oh pipe down will you, it’s getting tedious”

sunflowerdaisyrose · 23/03/2024 08:16

My child had separation anxiety partly due to trauma and partly due to autism. She tried various things/techniques but couldn't use them when distressed. EMDR therapy has been totally life changing for all of us, has he tried that?

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:18

tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:11

Dad upped and left one day four years ago . He had anxiety prior to this as dad was shouty and otherwise absent , but after he left, his anxiety went to another level. I've recently been chatting to a lovely man with intentions to meet up. My son told me he isn't ready for that.
Where will this end ....

so zero contact with dad?

do you work? have colleagues? go to office or wfh?

Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:18

No he hasn't tried that yet. It seems really difficult to get anyone to work with him due to his age and stage . Professionals seem to either work with children or adults . His age is a barrier. I'm going to look into this now.

OP posts:
Jayinthetub · 23/03/2024 08:18

Big hand hold OP - going through this is really difficult. It's also probably frustrating and difficult for your DS who likely knows this isn't "normal" for 14yo boys and wants to be different but struggles to do this because his feelings and his fears are so big.

Are you able to have good conversations with your DS? I wonder if it would help to talk with him about attachment, how this works and what is possibly triggering his current attachment strategy of clinging to you. It can be really helpful for teenagers to understand what's happening for them to feel the way they do which can then encourage them to think of it as something they can work to change.

Small things you could try if his worries are fear of you leaving him can be finding an item that he knows is really important to you (item of clothing/jewellery etc) and leaving them with him so he knows you won't be going anywhere without it (or ultimately him) which is what you want him to eventually feel. These can make him feel safer and reassured.

I don't know if he ever heard you talk about how difficult this is for you (sometimes unavoidable for single parents in your situation) when you are frustrated but this will also play into his worries. If you are aware this has happened, again talking it through might help.

Children do recover from this and therapy should help. I would recommend Sarah Naish's work on therapeutic parenting if you enjoy reading. Not preaching, very interesting and some good techniques.

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:18

tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:14

Believe me, I've travelled all over to different professionals . I'm so thankful that CAMHS have accepted him back and that parallel to this psychotherapy with CBT will also begin soon. Attachment on his side has been flagged but it seems impossible to get provate accredited professionals to help him, up to now.

but you say he refuses to engage?

Mummadeze · 23/03/2024 08:19

I am the Mum of an anxious teen and I am unable to go out in the evenings, unless I pay for a sitter which she is sometimes well enough to have, sometimes not. I do go out to do a hobby locally for 1.5 hours max in the early evening a couple of times a week but it makes me feel guilty as she is always so much worse in terms of how she feels when I get home. I just have to tell myself that she is ill and that she will get better, and this isn’t forever. We watch films together and play games and she is my companion most of the time for now. It is hard though, I feel for you.

Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:19

Zero contact with dad . He can't stand him. I work outside home and it's my break and I also love what I do. Being at home is stifling . All day, every day... ' 'what are we doing ?'
It's broken me

OP posts:
Original poster
tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:22

He engages in the present but doesn't follow through with techniques. He is in his safe place when I am there and available. I've managed to get him into his own bed and he goes to school mostly and will stay over at his cousins for a night but rarely.

OP posts:
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