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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents of children with anxiety ..

59 replies

tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 08:00

Do you ever feel utterly smothered?
My 14 year old is with me 24/7 when not at school or with his cousins. He refuses to leave house apart from these times and literally follows me around the house. I don't need to say that I love him with all of my heart and am heartbroken for him and all that he is missing oht in. He's had multiple interventions but the resounding conclusion from all professionals is that while he says he does, he really does not want to change and therefore does not use strategies given to him.
Last night, as I do every Friday night, I was in a group chat with friends on WhatsApp, eating my crisps, drinking my wine. He sat beside me for the majority of that time and then said he was going for a shower.
He then came down and starting shouting the odds about when I was going to bed, eh at was I doing, who I was talking to, what was I eating and drinking and said he wasn't happy about all of this as I said I was going to bed 'soon'. Said it all made him uncomfortable
He said I'm ' always' chatting to my froends( I dont really go out because of his anxiety) always staying up late, always eating crisps and drinking wine . The' always' thing was repeated . None of which is true .
I'm so done with it all. I now, it seems cannot even socialise on WhatsApp in my own home due to his anxiety , cannot go to bed when I want, cannot eat or drink what I want and feel constantly monitored and controlled.
AIBU to feel like this. Do I just give up these lovely relaxed weekly evenings for the sake of my child's anxious life. I'm a single parent and his anxiety is centred on fear of abandonment and trauma.

OP posts:
Christmastreegremlin · 23/03/2024 12:19

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2024 10:43

Dunno if this might help.

My Dd had always had really bad anxiety. Diagnosed ASd at 16.

But, and this was the breakthrough a chance remark led to an ADHD diagnosis. Meds have been a gamechanger for her crippling anxiety. Transformative. And l would never have guessed she had ADHD….

But OPs DS has been assessed for ASD and not diagnosed and doesn't have any indicators of ADHD either.

It's not that helpful for her to be given advice for children with neurodevelopmental disorders when he doesn't have them.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2024 12:33

I did say l didn’t know if it would help…….

Also ADHD can have high levels of anxiety. And he has been tested for ASDnot ADHD.

Christmastreegremlin · 23/03/2024 12:59

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2024 12:33

I did say l didn’t know if it would help…….

Also ADHD can have high levels of anxiety. And he has been tested for ASDnot ADHD.

They're frequently co-morbid conditions with significant overlap of potential symptoms. Any decent assessor who is assessing for ASD or ADHD will be considering both, they might not be qualified to diagnose both but many are; but would know enough to know when to refer on to specialised services. Or the assessment service is a neurodevelopmental service through community paediatrics where ASC/ADHD are considered at the same time.

Particularly in under 18s, where it's often neurodevelopmental service in paediatrics andnot just a separate ASD/ADHD assessment which occurs more often in adults.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2024 13:02

Christmastreegremlin · 23/03/2024 12:59

They're frequently co-morbid conditions with significant overlap of potential symptoms. Any decent assessor who is assessing for ASD or ADHD will be considering both, they might not be qualified to diagnose both but many are; but would know enough to know when to refer on to specialised services. Or the assessment service is a neurodevelopmental service through community paediatrics where ASC/ADHD are considered at the same time.

Particularly in under 18s, where it's often neurodevelopmental service in paediatrics andnot just a separate ASD/ADHD assessment which occurs more often in adults.

Edited
Show quote history

That may well as be. But it was completely missed at my DD’s ASD asssessmemt done by a massive ND branch of the children’s hospital. Who have been fantastic.

It was just a chance comment. And the 2 are often co morbid. But not all the time. I think it’s about 58%

Christmastreegremlin · 23/03/2024 13:12

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2024 13:02

That may well as be. But it was completely missed at my DD’s ASD asssessmemt done by a massive ND branch of the children’s hospital. Who have been fantastic.

It was just a chance comment. And the 2 are often co morbid. But not all the time. I think it’s about 58%

Show quote history

You say 58% as if it isn't significant and it is enormously significant which is why we say 'co-morbid'. That's literally what it means, two or more conditions occurring at the same time.

And yes, of course some people will be missed but with the massive and unprecedented numbers of people who either have a neurodevelopmental disorder or those who believe they have but don't, the NHS and society is a bit fucked at the minute trying to assess and accommodate the overwhelming numbers of people who either have a disorder or identity with one.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2024 13:23

Christmastreegremlin · 23/03/2024 13:12

You say 58% as if it isn't significant and it is enormously significant which is why we say 'co-morbid'. That's literally what it means, two or more conditions occurring at the same time.

And yes, of course some people will be missed but with the massive and unprecedented numbers of people who either have a neurodevelopmental disorder or those who believe they have but don't, the NHS and society is a bit fucked at the minute trying to assess and accommodate the overwhelming numbers of people who either have a disorder or identity with one.

Show quote history

What are you trying to say?

I SAID l didn’t know if would be any help. 58% is comorbid. This means 42 % isn’t. Which is also a significant amount.

Dont understand your rant about NHS and ND. It was just a suggestion. Society may be ‘fucked’ but it doesn’t take away from the fact that.

a) people are missed in diagnosis
b) ADHD can cause anxiety
c) Medication can change anxiety.

I merely made a suggestion. You’ve changed it in to something else.

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 14:14

tedbakershat · 23/03/2024 09:02

Thanks. I wish my son had a friend. He's afraid of people. Afraid he's going to get beaten up.

yes but likewise… if he behaves with a friend like how he thinks he can behave with his own mother… then he will never have friends

and if he ever gets a girlfriend he will be as controlling as he is with you

OP… you need to seriously parent up. When he starts with his nonsense about what you can and can’t do.. you chuckle to yourself and say “don’t be daft” or “i’ll do exactly what i like under my own roof”.

AK92 · 27/06/2024 22:49

Have you ever heard of PDA. I know you said your son had been assessed for ASD and although PDA is an ASD profile, it presents completely differently. The need for control and avoiding demands, along with anxiety are all symptoms. It can seem like they come across abusive and controlling but it’s actually deep rooted anxiety. A PDA child also uses a lot of equalising behaviour, it might be worth having a read up on it?

M340 · 28/06/2024 01:02

AK92 · 27/06/2024 22:49

Have you ever heard of PDA. I know you said your son had been assessed for ASD and although PDA is an ASD profile, it presents completely differently. The need for control and avoiding demands, along with anxiety are all symptoms. It can seem like they come across abusive and controlling but it’s actually deep rooted anxiety. A PDA child also uses a lot of equalising behaviour, it might be worth having a read up on it?

Agreed. The boy is abusing his mother!!

He won't ever get a friend if he banned like that.

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