Parents of children with anxiety ..

[tedbakershat]

Do you ever feel utterly smothered?
My 14 year old is with me 24/7 when not at school or with his cousins. He refuses to leave house apart from these times and literally follows me around the house. I don't need to say that I love him with all of my heart and am heartbroken for him and all that he is missing oht in. He's had multiple interventions but the resounding conclusion from all professionals is that while he says he does, he really does not want to change and therefore does not use strategies given to him.
Last night, as I do every Friday night, I was in a group chat with friends on WhatsApp, eating my crisps, drinking my wine. He sat beside me for the majority of that time and then said he was going for a shower.
He then came down and starting shouting the odds about when I was going to bed, eh at was I doing, who I was talking to, what was I eating and drinking and said he wasn't happy about all of this as I said I was going to bed 'soon'. Said it all made him uncomfortable
He said I'm ' always' chatting to my froends( I dont really go out because of his anxiety) always staying up late, always eating crisps and drinking wine . The' always' thing was repeated . None of which is true .
I'm so done with it all. I now, it seems cannot even socialise on WhatsApp in my own home due to his anxiety , cannot go to bed when I want, cannot eat or drink what I want and feel constantly monitored and controlled.
AIBU to feel like this. Do I just give up these lovely relaxed weekly evenings for the sake of my child's anxious life. I'm a single parent and his anxiety is centred on fear of abandonment and trauma.

My DD (12) is autistic and has severe separation anxiety. I even have to go up to the school office to see her at Break and lunchtime - this is huge progress from having to be physically in school for the whole time she is in school!

What works for us is -

She is able to go out on her own only when I'm at home but she needs to know I am there. If she's out I have my phone on loud and put my coat, keys and shoes by the door so I can go out and get her "within 30 seconds". Each time she does go out her confidence grows and we can reflect back to her being able to do that which is a positive achievement and sometimes I have to explicitly draw the links of "well you couldn't see me but it was not only ok but fun!" Over time she has learnt she can do it. Started off with (totally fabricated) trips to the Co-op - "I will let you keep the change if you could nip up for milk?" Would something like this help DS?

I make it very clear when I am going out and never sneak out.

I tell her what time I am coming to bed - she is allowed to come to me if she needs anything, but I am very firm that after 9.30pm "I need time to watch things that aren't for children and catch up on jobs."

She needs lots of co-regulating time so lying on our tummies together reading, walking together etc...

I try to lower her general background levels of stress by helping with executive functioning, not allowing watching anything scary, encouraging exercise etc so that the things which spike stress - mostly being away from me - spike it from a lower base level if that makes sense.

I am sorry you're going through this, the controlling behaviour that anxiety provokes is a big concern and I empathise. It is ok to have boundaries and non-negotiables, and he may well not like them and be a bit distressed (which will show as anger for a time) but firm boundaries and red lines applied consistently will help him, in the long run, feel safer.

Yea I do employ firm boundaries in many areas eg going out to meet a friend, going for a walk, going away overnight, sleeping on my own but not all as life is just too stressful when he gets distressed and angry.
So many people do not understand what it is like to live with a child like this and assume it's abusive and deliberate. It FEELS like that but I KNOW it isn't. It doesn't take from the all encompassing feeling of trapped, smothering, prisoner in your life .

This goes beyond anxiety or separation anxiety and is abusive and controlling.

OP was IN THE HOUSE and not planning to go anywhere but DS was making nasty comments about her drinking wine, eating crisps and texting - not even talking - to friends and not wanting to go to bed when he wanted to.

This is his abusive and controlling behaviour and excusing it as being anxiety is going to be detrimental to him and the OP.

I would get the gp to refer for an autism assessment

Also can you afford a private psychiatrist. Often anxiety is so high a child can't engage in cbt or emdr unless stable

Cbt isn't a miracle cure and the child has to be able to engage

OP says he's been assessed and wasn't diagnosed.

op he’s 14
a child

“not sure what you are doing today, but I am doing XYZ”

basically stop indulging

I'm so done with it all. I now, it seems cannot even socialise on WhatsApp in my own home due to his anxiety , cannot go to bed when I want, cannot eat or drink what I want and feel constantly monitored and controlled.

this is NOT anxiety Op!!! this is controlling disturbing behaviour

I'm being 100% genuine with this question when I ask ... if you've posted that my child is being deliberately abusive and controlling , do you have experience in this area ? I am asking because I know it appears that way but from an experienced , professional point of view, is this your experience?
The services my child has engaged in have very little for early teens. He may be a child in number but the services see him as an early teen and the therapists are very few .

my son is 13 with ADHD and very much regraded as a child in the eyes of professionals

The professionals think that he has attachment issues, trauma response and severe anxiety, possibly inherited as paternal family have a strong history.

My son doesn't have ADHD though. His presentation and needs are entirely different.

It’s important that you enforce those boundaries because the more he feels he controls the anxieties, the more he will want to. He needs to learn to live with the uncomfortable feelings.

It’s a fine line to tread op, but don’t give in for an easy life. Give an inch, and he’ll take a mile type thing, because once you give in to one thing, he’ll try to control another.

Good luck op, it sounds incredibly difficult.

yes but the professional arena in terms of child definition is the same. He is 14. a child

His CAMHS appointment it's in May and his psychotherapy/ CBT starts the week after next . For those who pray, I'd appreciate a prayer because my own mental health is suffering quite badly now.
He says he wants to get better. He is very kind, living and generous also and a people pleaser. He spends a lot of his time apologising for his behaviours. I'm so sad for both is us .

We are similar. It’s improved, I can go out during the day (as long as I have my phone). Not at night though.
DD only has a partial timetable at school so she is home a lot though. When she is good, it’s fine, when she is in a bad cycle it’s oppressive though and she needs to be near me all the time.
We’ve been to CAHMS, not helpful though. CBT and talking therapy was distressing for her. She doesn’t want medication. I find positive experiences are the things that make the difference for her.
Shes going to a friends for a few hours this week and she wants to go to another’s (but she’s having her own issues and won’t see people) but the fact she’s going is poisitive.

Thanks. I wish my son had a friend. He's afraid of people. Afraid he's going to get beaten up.

My daughter had Anxiety .. and is now diagnosed with ASD (she was diagnosed last year at the age of 17)

The thing that has made the most difference has been her starting on Setraline. She also had therapy, but her anxiety was so great that she would feel overwhelmed before she was able to put her “strategies” into place. I paid for private therapy weekly, as there wasn’t anything suitable on the NHS.

This led to her missing all of Y10 & Y11, and the first year of college (she is there now, just a year late)

she was at home, full time, for 3 years … hardly went out, never went out without me .. and yes it was tough.

She’s now full time at college, I don’t hear from her at all in the day - which was strange at first. Her social skills are much better, but I feel she’s still socially behind by a couple of years.

There is no reason for him to think this btw . Irrational and unfounded .

You've no idea how wonderful it is to hear positive outcomes, thank you!

Can i add to the setraline comments.

Members of my family have attachement disorder and trauma. This helps them. They can they start to apply cbt techniques but before that they cant.

Yes, I do have professional experience which is why I said this was going beyond anxiety into controlling and abusive behaviour and shouldn't be dismissed as anxiety-driven as abuse never should be. Particularly as he has significant input from services and does not appear to have a neurodevelopmental disorder.

And I don't know where you live but where I am, a 14 year old is clearly in the child realm and should be dealt with by CAMHS. If he was 17 it becomes problematic in terms of services and likelihood of provision but 14 is very clear.

Have you been offered NVR?

Thanks for response.
I haven't been offered NVR. I expect they want to assess him properly in CAMHS and work from there. Parallel to art psychotherapy , their assessment and treatment plan gives me some hope at least.

Good luck. 👍

Dunno if this might help.

My Dd had always had really bad anxiety. Diagnosed ASd at 16.

But, and this was the breakthrough a chance remark led to an ADHD diagnosis. Meds have been a gamechanger for her crippling anxiety. Transformative. And l would never have guessed she had ADHD….