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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

303 replies

chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 20:51

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 22/03/2024 20:53

You need to stop this or you will make what sounds like a genuine relationship, toxic.

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 20:54

I know, I know this sounds really crazy to complain about. I feel incredibly fortunate to be living in a big house & not paying rent / a mortgage.

This isn't a stealth post - I just feel slightly out of place still. my friends / family are treating me as being 'different' in this new life, and at the same time I just can't connect with some of his friends and family members - they see / treat me as someone different, or I just don't really 'get' their background

OP posts:
PrincessTeaSet · 22/03/2024 20:54

It did move fast, together 3 years and already married with 2 children. That probably explains some of the comments? Did you get pregnant in the first year you were together?

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 20:57

PrincessTeaSet · 22/03/2024 20:54

It did move fast, together 3 years and already married with 2 children. That probably explains some of the comments? Did you get pregnant in the first year you were together?

Yes, just about in the same year - it was slightly a surprise, but also we both wanted children. He was already close to 40 and didn't want to be an older father. I suppose we could have waited but it did feel right. I had known him for most of my 20s and always liked him.

OP posts:
TayIorShift · 22/03/2024 20:57

Surely it matters what you and your DH think, not everyone else.

PrincessTeaSet · 22/03/2024 20:57

chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 20:54

I know, I know this sounds really crazy to complain about. I feel incredibly fortunate to be living in a big house & not paying rent / a mortgage.

This isn't a stealth post - I just feel slightly out of place still. my friends / family are treating me as being 'different' in this new life, and at the same time I just can't connect with some of his friends and family members - they see / treat me as someone different, or I just don't really 'get' their background

I think it's unsurprising you feel this way. Are you working? Make sure you keep your career and don't end up a stay at home mum as you will lose control over all decisions. Does he treat you with respect or patronise you as a young daft woman?

fedupandstuck · 22/03/2024 20:59

You've had a big change in a short amount of time, not just the relationship but the change of lifestyle and then the two children in quick succession. That's probably a lot of the issue, such a lot of things to get to grips with.

But, your background and upbringing is just as valid and worthwhile as his. You are not lesser than him because he had a more wealthy start to life. If his family are unfriendly towards you, he should be letting them know that they need to sort it out. He should be your biggest defender and supporter. Is he?

putonyourwarpaint · 22/03/2024 20:59

Not a huge age gap tbh - same between me and my DH and I rarely consider it.

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 21:00

@TayIorShift yes, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. But we see his family a lot, and have shared friends / acquaintances from our community project (who are mainly nice - there are just some more challenging people!). I'm finding it hard to block out voices from random acquaintances and even friends who are 'just joking!'. I suppose that's my AIBU as well - am I just being silly and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
PrincessTeaSet · 22/03/2024 21:01

I don't think I'd want to spend time with people making nasty remarks about marriage. A few digs in the early days of a relationship are fair enough but ongoing talk about it 3 years on suggests jealousy or snobbery or something other bad motivation.

If you are totally happy and confident your husband sees you as an equal and supports you, everything else will fall into place.

RosieMilkJug · 22/03/2024 21:01

12 years is nothing. My DB is married to someone 12 years younger than him and I haven’t given it a moments thought . He is DB and she is SIL. I value her as a person.

Please don’t let this eat you up and destroy something wonderful.

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 21:02

putonyourwarpaint · 22/03/2024 20:59

Not a huge age gap tbh - same between me and my DH and I rarely consider it.

Oh thanks, that's nice to hear. Some people have acted like it's so dramatic that I'm starting to worry about it! It feels like there is some stigma for age-gap relationships, and so many stereotypes and jokes around the older man younger woman partnership. I hate being seen as a younger wife living off his money - which is what people imply (or say...) with these comments

OP posts:
EmilyTjP · 22/03/2024 21:02

He’s only 42 - 12 years older!
Not like he’s in his 70’s jeez. I don’t understand the issue.

MintyCedric · 22/03/2024 21:03

I just feel slightly out of place still. my friends / family are treating me as being 'different' in this new life, and at the same time I just can't connect with some of his friends and family members

The problem is 100% them and not you, I promise.

My best mate grew up in a council estate and lives in a rented one bed flat…I have other friends with million pound houses and private school educated kids.

I’m a divorced single mum with two public sector jobs and very average terrace…I don’t make any distinction between my friends outside of how long I’ve known them and they don’t treat me any differently.

Perhaps it’s a good time to broaden your social circle.

RosieMilkJug · 22/03/2024 21:05

I know it’s hard to ignore the people who are determined to be the detractors but it is them who have the problem, not you.

Focus on your lovely husband and prove them wrong by not giving them any headspace and continue living your best life.

Fiery30 · 22/03/2024 21:06

I think your insecurities are fuelling doubts and unhappiness. You should have an honest conversation with your husband if you do want to contribute more or feel out of place. Surely you have a strong enough relationship for such deep words. Your husband is not as old as you make him out to be. Are you embarrassed by the age gap? My parents have an almost 9-10 year gap and have been together for 37 years.

TwylaSands · 22/03/2024 21:08

EmilyTjP · 22/03/2024 21:02

He’s only 42 - 12 years older!
Not like he’s in his 70’s jeez. I don’t understand the issue.

i also assumed he was in his 70’s then laughed at 42!

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 21:08

fedupandstuck · 22/03/2024 20:59

You've had a big change in a short amount of time, not just the relationship but the change of lifestyle and then the two children in quick succession. That's probably a lot of the issue, such a lot of things to get to grips with.

But, your background and upbringing is just as valid and worthwhile as his. You are not lesser than him because he had a more wealthy start to life. If his family are unfriendly towards you, he should be letting them know that they need to sort it out. He should be your biggest defender and supporter. Is he?

Thank you: yes, it's been a big change. I've gone from 60% of my income going on rent in a 20-something house share, knocking around with my friends (and my sisters) all in the same boat, to suddenly being part of an elite group. I feel guilty about it: I grew up in a proud, socialist household, contributing to the community, and suddenly now I'm taking my son to a private nursery which costs more than an average income, with all these really posh stay- at- home mums and nannies. I'm not dissing them, but I feel out place and it feels strange. My sisters and some friends are also starting families, but in a much, much less privileged way than me - and there is definitely some resentment there which I feel so bad about. Emotions can run high, understandably, which is why I can't talk about this irl.

OP posts:
tigerpyjamas · 22/03/2024 21:09

This reply has been deleted

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Cassidyscircus · 22/03/2024 21:09

One thing I wish I knew in my twenties, is that you don’t meekly hope that people will respect you - you demand it.
The next time someone makes a gold digger comment, come down on it harshly. Why should you give a fuck if a rude person doesn’t think you’re ‘nice’?

you love each other, you’ve given him the gift of children and in return you get to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle.

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 21:10

And @fedupandstuck he is a supporter, but I also think he doesn't quite get it.
E.g. he is happy for me to be at home for as long as I want, with our children, but I feel really bad for not contributing to the household. He has his mother always saying he should be with his first wife still!

OP posts:
Lucybee0 · 22/03/2024 21:11

30 and 42 is a pretty normal age gap, not particularly big.

Original poster
chalkandpen · 22/03/2024 21:12

EmilyTjP · 22/03/2024 21:02

He’s only 42 - 12 years older!
Not like he’s in his 70’s jeez. I don’t understand the issue.

Thank you! Sorry, I know it seems like I'm being silly. But sometimes people act like you should only date someone 2 years +- than you , and that everything else is exploitative in some way. (including on other threads on mumsnet - which is why I'm very grateful for your sensitive responses!)

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2024 21:12

He's not an older husband.

Your friends/family don't sound very nice.

You sound too interested in what other people think.

Are you happy? Do you like being together? This is what matters.

Lelophants · 22/03/2024 21:14

I think everyone just needs time to get used to it. Do you think anyone is actually concerned or is more joking with a touch of jealousy? If the latter they’re probably also doing it because don’t actually mean it and think you guys are fine. You also haven’t had much tike to properly date with two young kids. Keep lines of communication open as much as you can.

What does he make of these comments btw?