Just chatting on line... AIBU to think we should be moving faster?

[southpawz]

So I've been love bombed , used, treated like shite basically but essentially enabled it all in the past.
I've worked on myself, my boundaries and am looking for green flags.

I'm chatting to what seems like a lovely , solid, funny, decent man for the last week. No love bombing but I have found that I am initiating contact and when I do we have great chats and a date planned for the weekend.

We chatted last night and I tailed off conversation as I was tired and he was working from home( own business)
He hasn't text yet today .
We're done to meet on Sunday .
IlL
Hold tough here but am I expecting too much ?
FWIW I'm Used to men texting through the day and evening...
Thanks.

From my experience men message first and a lot - if they're interested. He could just be replying to be polite or to keep you as an option. Sit it out and see if he messages you.
There's a saying along the lines of - if he likes you, you'll know. If not you'll be confused.

You’ve got a date on Sunday.

You won’t know if there’s anything there till you meet. I think a lot of online chatting is a waste of time and doubt I’m the only one.

She how the date goes and what happens after.

Thanks for replies ! He still
Hasn't messaged . Maybe he has cold feet !

If a man is interested you'll know he's interested.

Well he's clearly not then! I need to cancel
And put this to bed don't I ?

Why not wait and see if he contacts you tomorrow? Maybe he’s really busy working during the week.

I kind of feel that if he was genuinely interested, he'd want to
Lock this date down though...
He's been lively and funny etc but we are hours away from each other so we both would have had to go outbid our way and in the cold
Light of day, maybe he's not that arsed?
I only want casual. He may want something g more from a relationship by the sounds of him.

Oh Jesus !!! I just messaged to say I take it , we won't be meeting etc. best of luck and all of that. He's like WTF ? Why aren't we meeting ? Was so looking forward to this etc 🙈

Why would you think he isn’t interested because he hasn’t text you for a day?! You aren’t in a relationship yet. You haven’t even been on a date. To think he wants to cancel the date because he isn’t messaging you all the time is a bit needy. I would probably see constant messaging as a bit of a red flag so men can’t really win.

Should have left it op. Mumsnet doesn't seem to think men don't want to come across too keen. Now you just look like a mental lol. Oh well if he's genuinely interested it won't matter. Next time don't go straight for the are we ok ? do you still want to see me type of text. Online dating is a shit show of dos and donts lol.

I think you jumped the gun there OP!

Mumsnet would do well to remember that not everybody is interested in constantly sending messages via their phones 😂😂

There is a middle ground between "how are you, are we still on for our date?" and the nuclear approach the OP took 😂 I hope it's salvageable OP and you can look back and laugh at it.

I'm
Really not too sure now!! I tried to salvage but let's see 🙈 I'm
Mortified

Next time, slow down! Not everyone constantly texts. And maybe send a Hi instead of going straight to dumping the poor bewildered guy!

Be honest. Say you're keen, got nervous and took some bad advice and are mortified at yourself.

Well he's read my lame / cool/ light approach. Let's we what happens ! Although he did admit that ' i had stuff going on, I didn't make contact/ I'm sorry ' approach. Jesus im
Cringing at myself !

I'm sorry op, but if I was in his shoes, I'd now be running for the hills. It is so needy to expect a text at this stage, because you have absolutely no idea how his life goes. Some days I am so so busy, I don't take my coat off. Maybe he had one of those days. Nobody busy needs a demand from someone they've never met.

Oh dear. If I were him, I would definitely think I've had a lucky escape. You've come across as super needy

Well it transpires that like me the distance is a dose . He doesn't want an impingement in his life and nor do I as we have kids . So I've asked him now if we're meeting or not as I've laid my cards in the table. I'll be back !!!

Don’t you long for the days before mobiles? You’re not a tamagotchi. Why the need to be in contact all day every day?

I’ve been online dating for a year. Some great some terrible, but nothing that lasted. Until I started talking to a guy I’m December. We actually took 3 weeks to arrange a date because of Christmas being in the way! But we talked through December, and sometimes had a gap of two or three days in between messages. We had a wonderful date, and have continued that since January. It’s been really lovely, I stay at his once a week now and he stays at mine occasionally when my kids aren’t here (he lives in the city and I live in the suburbs so we like his for dates more). But we can still go two or three days without messaging… and that’s fine. We’re exclusive, we make time for each other, we remember the things going on for each other and ask about those and take an interest in each other’s lives. And if one of us messages, replies are always fast and we’ll talk for hours. But… we are adults with lives, and I have kids so we have other things to do.

Why do you need to message everyday?

Wait… you had a date arranged though? Why did you send him a random message saying you thought the date was off and best of luck etc? Just… why?

Once you’ve made a date, why do you need to confirm and confirm? Maybe a wee text the night before to check but seriously, you have got to calm down.

I was messaging a guy, thought he was really keen. Ended it before we met because my gut said he wasn’t keen. Got a flurry of messages about how devastated he was. Then nothing… then a message where he’d forgotten to take me off a WhatsApp broadcast list. Then another the following day where he’d forgotten to take me off that broadcast group. Trust your gut, there are a lot of guys farming dates out there

Distance and anxious messaging probably isn't going to work well for you.

At the risk of being roasted by MN - have you ever done an attachment style quiz? It's not the answer to everything, but I think sometimes it can be interesting to do, particularly if you've had some bad experiences in relationships. It can help to explain a lot about how you feel and why you might react a certain way when you perceive that someone isn't responsive, or seems to be more distant. Just some food for thought.

In this case, I think it is very difficult to interpret what it means when someone appears to go quiet or message less (especially when it's so early on). There are plenty of normal, acceptable reasons that don't involve them planning to ghost you, but it's hard to be sure of that when you're used to lovebombing/excessive contact.

I think in these situations, it's worth texting them in a light, normal way, just saying hi. If they continue to seem less responsive, it's better to be direct (but respectful) about it, e.g. 'I haven't heard as much from you in the last few days, are we still on for meeting up on Sun?' - it's an open but unavoidable question, and one way or another you will find out. Having said all of that, I realise it's easy to say but not always easy to do!