To stay out of work until I have lost this weight ?

[stilltherage]

I recently quit my job, due to many many many factors and issues.

I've gained quite a bit of weight now and with all the pressures of work/ looking after small kids / a husband that's not home a lot, I was finding absolutely zero time for myself.

I was just making quick meal choices, often not great ones and zero time for exercise.

Now I have time, I'm making really healthy meals and eating way less because of it, I'm also exercising a lot and very active.

I was working from home before but I know my next role is likely to require time in the office. I actually want it that way.

What I'm not comfortable with is office clothing and just generally being around people at the size I'm at.

I'm getting lots of calls about other jobs etc but I'm not sure I want to follow up on this stuff just yet. At the same time, I've never had a career break before so I'm anxious about it.

However, every time I feel like getting involved in one of those calls - I touch my belly and think ' no '. You need to sort this out first.

Financially it's not an issue.

I was thinking maybe having around a year out of work and returning when my youngest starts preschool and my eldest will be in reception by that time.

I may have to go in for a lower role / salary who knows, but maybe that's also not such a bad thing.

I do have anxiety around it. What will I tell recruiters / companies I'm interviewing with ? I have seen colleagues have time outs a lot recently and then they just continue working. Also, will I just forget stuff ? I did have two years out for maternity leaves and it was OK.

I am in tech if that helps.

I would definitely speak to your GP and check there isn't a mental health issue here. In all honesty I think if you can find a part time job in anything. Or do some temp roles. It's going to seem much better on your CV. You can explain it as a 6 months you reduced your employment to spend more time with family. Or if its part time you won't even have to explain anything if there's no gaps. I think future you would thank you. Its much easier to lose weight when you're busy

I've lost five stone and when I look back I'm astounded and sad about all the things I let my weight hold me back from.

You aren't going to lose weight in some sort of time capsule; you have to integrate your new healthy habits into your actual functional life.

You are using weight as an excuse not to go back to work, because you don’t want to go back to work,

if you don’t need to, and don’t want to, don’t go back … that’s fine. Stop saying “it’s because of weight”, if that was magically solved, you would find something else.

Own the decision not to work.

Could it be that you’re using the excuse of your size to justify not wanting to have a paid job?
It sounds like you have a very busy life at the moment with 2 small children and an absent husband. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to be a SAHM until the children start school. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making that choice. As women with children, we can be made to feel bad if we don’t try to ‘have it all’ - a career, perfect children, an Instagram home, sex twice a night! The reality of life with small children is much more mundane.
Take the time to prioritise your own mental health which may mean not being employed for a while. However, make sure that you don’t become financially beholden to your DH. You need full access to all income, and if possible to continue adding to your own personal pension pot.
Once you feel more happy with your life, you may feel more inclined to make better choices around diet and exercise. But hey, fat people can be happy too!!! I should know, I’m overweight, old and happy 😂

You're very very wrong about that. Sorry, that's not how it is at all.

However, I don't want to work at all for a bit. I've basically just had burn out and I do need a break.

I think this is more relevant than your weight tbh. You need a break, you are in the fortunate position of being able to take a break and you have young kids who will likely also benefit so I’d just do it. It sounds as though you’re aware of the potential pitfalls but if you need to take some time for yourself I think that would be the best thing.

A year is nothing in terms of a whole lifetime. Take the time out to get yourself back on track and make sure you enjoy it. You’ve got the rest of your life to focus on your career.

It sounds like therapy would be helpful here, to address the burnout as well as the feeling that you're not 'yourself' having gained weight. Unless you address the issues underlying these feelings, taking time off will make little difference to either of them, and end up just hurting in terms of career advancement and your family's financial security.

Therapy might also help you think about how to form a plan for maintaining as healthy and balanced lifestyle as possible when you do go back to work, including negotiating that and household labour with your partner.

At the very least, talk to your GP about this.

I don't think the choice to leave the workplace for a while is catastrophic.

I think it is sub-optimal, even for you, but you have convinced yourself that it's the best way forward and I think that you're posting for validation of a settled choice, not to talk about whether you are making the best choice.

I don't think you are. And I don't just mean the wider issue of the gender pay gap, or your household's financial security, or your financial independence; I include your anxiety. The prospect of returning is going to get worse after longer away, not better.

Could you look for a part time position?

If you’re not using your weight as an excuse to go back because ‘that’s not how it is at all’ - what are you doing then?

Im 20st at 5ft 5, I’m an enormous woman and I have worked my entire life since I was 16. I now have a very corporate, very high pressure job in a male dominated field where I stick out like a sore thumb. Not a single person has ever even looked at me sideways. I have been promoted 13 times in my career and I’ve been fat the whole time. Shocker, I know. I have been called ‘buxom’ once by an older male colleague, I death stared, he crawled into his own arsehole. We are now great friends. It’s actually a bit of a super power, I’m immediately underestimated when people haven’t met me before and as soon as I get on topic and flash a bit of expertise it gives me an opportunity to knock some socks off, given their expectations of me were low (their problem, not mine!) and my expectations of me are high.

If you are looking at your own body and thinking ‘god this body can’t do well in a work environment’ are you looking at mine the same way? Because no one else is, so that sounds like you’ve got some major issues with prejudice you need to deal with.

If you’re going to say to me ‘well it’s not like that’ then what exactly is it like? Do you think because you’re fat now you are in some way disadvantaged or disabled by it? Or do you think you can’t possibly feel confident at work? What the fuck does what you look like have to do with how confident you feel at work?? You’re judged at work by your performance not your appearance, or are you one of these people who’s made a career out of eyelash batting and pandering to men? I doubt it, it’s not the 80’s?

You mention you have other anxieties and the timing isn’t right for you to go back yet - that’s fine! If you can afford a year out then take it, you don’t need to justify it by effectively deciding you’re too fat to work ffs.

Get over yourself, pull up your big girl pants and crack on whether that’s at home or at work. Stop navel gazing and just do what makes you and your family happy.

Don’t. Avoidance will often increase fear. Now it’s a job, then it’s the pool, next the bus, park etc.

I would be extremely worried about this escalating. Being active, out of the house and around people helps me loose / manage my weight, btw. Nothing worse than long term HO for me personally

I don’t think this is a good idea honestly OP, you cannot let anxiety about your weight hold you back like this it’s not healthy.

It’s also not sustainable. You may well lose the weight but what you’re capable of doing when off work is not what you can do when in work and the mental impact of starting a new job after time off + potentially piling a lot of weight back on immediately will be awful. It’s all of the little things, when I started in an office/desk job I put on nearly a stone in 6 weeks, I wasn’t eating any differently but obviously I was sat down for 8 hours a day plus an hour either way commute!

Plus, with competition for jobs as high as it currently is & stands to remain, being out for a year or two will set you back against other candidates.

I definitely take time out, you say you can afford to, your children are only very young, they need their Mummy, old fashioned view I know but true. Do the best you can for yourself and don't beat yourself up, you sound like you need to be kinder to yourself. You'll be able to get a job when the time is right, anyone who tells you different is probably jealous of your situation.

How much weight do you want to loose?

Well, on the one hand I absolutely wouldnt let your appearance stop you doing what you want to do, so YABU for that BUT I didn't go back to work after my 2nd mat leave, I had an additional year off, during which we moved house about 3hrs away, husband started a new job, we wanted to make some changes for all of us and my year off facilitated that. I started work again when eldest started school and youngest was 2. As mat leave counts as being employed my CV only showed a one year gap and I didnt find getting a job too difficult. So if you need a year off because you have 2 small children, want to make some life changes and can afford it YANBU.

I think working part time for a year would be fine, because it keeps your CV current and it stops you falling into a headspace where you can't possibly work because you need to look after the children and house and exercise and eat well...to be honest it sounds like you are at risk of that.

I understand and I’d want to do the same OP. You have a lot going on anyway and it’s a horrible feeling not to want to be seen but being forced into social situations. I don’t know how people do it everyday.

What's wrong with prioritising your children and your own health for a while though?

Without health, you have nothing.

I'm not worried about finances whatsoever. I will never be left with nothing, even if my H leaves me.

I'm in a good space financially.

Lots of people have a bit of time off when their kids are tiny, for various reasons.

Listen, if you don't want advice that's fine, and if you never need to work again great!

But then why ask?

I love this!

Thanks for writing this. It's so true. How we look should not hold us back. I don't judge fat people.

I judge myself for being fat. The way I look has always been hugely important to me, too important. It's shameful really.

It's my parents. They've really really shamed me my whole life if I gained any weight. They're embarrassed to be seen with me now. Especially my dad. It's very damaging. He has massive issues which he's passed on to me. He always said, it doesn't matter what you are- you need to stay thin and beautiful. He even wanted me to have surgery.

He calls me pretty much every day telling me about a new diet to try. He stares at me when I eat. It's horrible.

Anyway I'm a grown woman, it's no excuse.

I love your attitude and I am ashamed of mine.

I knew someone would say that, just because I'm making a point I'm not the only one to have had a break for a while.

I was more curious about how to navigate it career wise when I feel ready to go back, as I feel anxious about it.

I'm definitely staying off until after summer. Then I'll see if I feel in the right frame of mind to interview again. I should have just left the weight thing out and I would have got very different responses.

It sounds like there are many factors to you not wanting to work at present and weight is only a part of it. If you can afford it and your DH is on board go for it, many people do

OP I hear what you're saying. I was working in an incredibly intense pressured job when my 1st dc was born. I was burnt out & exhausted. I decided to take a minimum of a year as I wanted to be around dd & ended up being at home for 6 years in the end. I have never regretted a single minute of it & at one point I thought I'd like to stay as a sahm. But when dd was 7 I got a lovely offer of some part time project work. She was in school & this job worked around her hours etc . It whetted my appetite & I went back to work in a part time role in a very senior position in my field & I did that for 6 years. Then I moved to a bigger organisation as CEO, full time hours & did that for 5 years.

I became unhappy at the end of my time there & gained 3 stones gradually over about 2 years. That contributed to my unhappiness too

I have recently changed jobs again & Like you I was bothered by my weight. My work clothes didn't fit etc

I started in depths of winter so was able to layer up a bit & I basically went on a major diet & I've lost 1.5 stones since Jan.

I don't think anyone in work really noticed as I was in baggier bulkier clothes. Now that spring is on the way I'm able to wear some of my nicer stuff & I plan to keep going with the diet.

So it can be done as you move roles but if you'd like time at home I don't think at all that you'll never work again as some posters are claiming.

If you don't need the money, then why not stay at home for a bit longer to focus on your health? It sounds like you really don't want to go back.
I'd say feeling uncomfortable in 'office clothes' affects people of all sizes though. I could never bear having to look formal when we had clients in.
You can wear something loose fitting and comfortable but still office appropriate surely? So don't let that be the reason. But it sounds like you have other reservations maybe? Might be worth exploring if there are barriers in your mind that you could overcome if you think the job would ultimately make you happy.