To be so upset over DH secret viagra use?

[Gracelet]

I discovered yesterday that DH has secretly been using Viagra for months and I'm really upset. I feel humiliated at the thought that all this time I thought he was attracted to me and all the while it was just chemical arousal.

He swears it was just occasionally and that it's nothing to do with me, but I don't trust him to be honest now. We've also had issues with porn in the past - him choosing it over sex with me and lying about how much he was using it, which obviously made me very insecure - and now this. I feel like a fool for thinking he was attracted to me.

What's even weirder is that we have a pretty good sex life and I have NEVER noticed any problems in that area! Not once.

I told two friends in confidence, one of whom told me I was being selfish and the other seemed surprised at my upset.

So am I BU? Totally prepared to be told I am!

Ps. NC for this because I have another thread running at the moment.

Yes you are!! Do you know how viagra works? It's not an auto boner, the man has to be aroused for it to work. Sexual performance can be a sensitive issue for men and honestly the way you're reacting to this shows clearly why he didn't mention it to you!

How old are you both @Gracelet

Maybe your reaction shows why he didn’t say anything to you? You have managed to turn it to being about you rather than him.

Lol, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't...

I also think going talking to friends about it is unfair too. It’s his information to disclose not yours.

This.

Too many people think it's just a lazy way to get a hard on.

Yabu

Porn is fine. It doesn't say anything about what he thinks about you. It's a seperate activity to sex, it isn't 'instead of' sex

Of course he didn't confide in you

He was probably self-medicating with porn before admitting he had ED and got the viagra. As pp said, it’s an aid to get the erection to happen when you are already aroused. It doesn’t mean he is not attracted to you, it’s just a plumbing issue.

No op isn't being unreasonable and no porn isn't fine. It can cause issues in relationships and actually can be the reason some men have problems with their sex lives with their partners.edcuated yourself, I am not saying this applies to everyone of course not but there are many ppl that porn does impact negatively. Op has mentioned this has been an issue before so she is not unreasonable to be concerned.

Hi Op, you have every right to be upset, your partner takes viagra and didn't think to tell you , now there is absolutely no reason that taking viagra is the bad thing here, it's the not telling you part I'm sure that's annoyed you. Porn addiction is also real and it could be the two are related but it could also not be the case. None of us here can know. None of us can tell you what's going on, only he can. You are owed a conversation and you are owed the truth , don't let anyone let you think otherwise.

You were very wrong to discuss something so personal with your friends.
How would you feel if your DH was discussing your libido with his mates?

Isn’t viagra for erectile dysfunction? i.e he has problems in this department. I think it’s pretty silly to be upset that he’s using medication to assist him where he has an issue.

That’s your opinion. If you had a DP who was addicted to porn and couldn’t get an erection, you may feel differently. Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is very common these days, even in young men.

Definitely unreasonable. OH was secret about his use to start with, but mainly because I have confident issues, and he didn’t want me to feel worse. I understand how they work though, so when I found them, it was more about whether he was ok and how he was feeling having to use them. If we time it right, it’s great.

Porn isn’t fine, and could be the reason he needs viagra.

Dishonesty about sexual things is a relationship killer. It’s incredibly important to be able to trust one’s partner. If your partner lies about porn and viagra, that’s a huge betrayal. I’d be really angry if my partner were dishonest with me about these things.

Porn is 100% an issue if someone chooses to actively wank over porn over having sex with their partner. Porn as an occasional tool to help, I wouldn't say is necessarily an issue. If it was being regularly used instead of having sex over time I can absolutely see how that may affect someones self esteem.

But many women feel that porn is a hard no and those of us that are fine with it shouldn't inflict our belief of that on to others. Porn may be one of ops hard boundaries. Others should respect that.

I'm on the fence about the viagra use. I would personally feel offended if my H felt he couldn't discuss the need for it with me. I'd be asking myself he couldn't.

But, then again, there's been a time or twenty when I have really not felt in the mood and when going to freshen up before bed I've used a dab or two of lube to seem turned on. It works, and then I'm soon into it and good to go, and he feels like a god. He definitely wouldn't be happy if he knew. I'm guessing it's a bit like that. A secret aid to help things along. But still a lie of omission.

Not sure how old you are..... but I'm 42...... and this seems to be common with older men...

Well the ones I'm meeting anyway 🤪

He's got a medical condition that he's probably embarrassed about. Not only have you made it about you, embarrassing him more by complaining about it, but you discussed with your friends! You were very unreasonable.

I can't believe you told your friends something so personal about him.

I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to be hurt. You mention he’s had problems with porn in the past and lied about it.

The problem with ED is that EVERYTHING about it is centres around the man’s feelings. It doesn’t matter that if you feel unattractive, or lie awake worrying that he can’t get it up because he’s knocking one out five times a day. You have to dismiss the jealousy you feel that he’s dreaming of having sex with younger hot women/men, and can’t get hard for you. Ignore the feelings of hurt and rejection that you have, and smile sweetly and tell him it doesn’t matter, it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it. Soothe his poor ego.

And God forbid you discuss the hurt with your own friends, or look for any moral support from anyone else. That would be completely unreasonable. This is all about him. You don’t matter. Let him carry on wanking and destroy your self worth.

Obviously I say this very sarcastically in response to other PPs. Yes, ED can be a medical problem but where you’ve stated porn problems then that is the most likely reason. Don’t let anyone on here gaslight you. Your feelings are valid. Talk to him, state your boundaries and see if things improve. If they don’t and he is an addict, I would consider your next steps very carefully.

Its a bounder of a leap to diagnose porn addiction in the OP’s partner?

“We've also had issues with porn in the past - him choosing it over sex with me and lying about how much he was using it”.

Not a stretch, coupled with the ED.

This^^.

You're being a daft

YABU it's his private medical information, I don't really see how it's your right to know. You can't catch it so it's not your business. And now you've made him feel like shit for erectile dysfunction. Imagine him critising you and blaming you for not producing as much natural lube, "oh you're not very wet, don't you even find me attractive any more"

Just because you haven't noticed issues doesn't mean he hasn't.

And to tell your friends this is such a breach of trust. It's no surprise he doesn't feel able to talk to you about these things.

I think it is a stretch. Many non addicted people choose wanking instead of sex. It’s a bit like reaching for corn flakes instead of cooking a full English while not being addicted to corn flakes.