To be so upset over DH secret viagra use?

[Gracelet]

I discovered yesterday that DH has secretly been using Viagra for months and I'm really upset. I feel humiliated at the thought that all this time I thought he was attracted to me and all the while it was just chemical arousal.

He swears it was just occasionally and that it's nothing to do with me, but I don't trust him to be honest now. We've also had issues with porn in the past - him choosing it over sex with me and lying about how much he was using it, which obviously made me very insecure - and now this. I feel like a fool for thinking he was attracted to me.

What's even weirder is that we have a pretty good sex life and I have NEVER noticed any problems in that area! Not once.

I told two friends in confidence, one of whom told me I was being selfish and the other seemed surprised at my upset.

So am I BU? Totally prepared to be told I am!

Ps. NC for this because I have another thread running at the moment.

I think yab-extremely-u
Viagra doesn't increase desire it simply helps maintain an erection, the ability to maintain an erection fluctuates and changes, it is also affected by various medical conditions such as diabetes, blood pressure, anxiety, prostate problems, obesity, smoking.
Your partner needs viagra to help maintain an erection this has got nothing to do with how much he desires you, it may be a temporary things or it may be a symptom of long term condition.
To make it all about yourself is unreasonable.

What is completely and totally unacceptable is discussing your partners private medical conditions with other people without his permission, if my partner did that I would be absolutely livid and if she refused to acknowledge the error and hurt/pain that causes I would consider it an offence to separate over.

People are allowed to want to masturbate.

Imagine sex is like a lovely Sunday roast, absolute dogs bollocks of a meal, but takes effort and time. Sometimes you're just hungry, so you throw a pizza in the oven. Is it better than a Sunday roast? No. But it satisfies a basic need quickly and easily.

For example, DP is working 2 jobs atm due to moving jobs (either works 2 for 2 weeks or loses 2 weeks pay) he's working days and nights. He's nackered, but we both still need release. So, becuase we both feel able to talk about this, we agreed to masturbate together tonight becuase we're too tired for sex. If either of us didn't feel safe in our relationship to have that conversation we'd be masturbating in private without the other knowing, we wouldn't be giving up our basic needs. And we'd be entitled to do that.

I get that but addicts lie about it, that’s the difference. It’s classic PA behaviour - using porn, telling lies, needing Viagra, lying about that too. It’s awful for PPs to then say it must be the woman’s fault that he hasn’t been honest. They wouldn’t say that if it was gambling or alcohol, for example.

I don’t disagree, but you’re open about it. That suggests it’s not an addiction.

Yes addicts lie, but not every lie is said by an addict. The OP’s opinion of porn is very clear that he is expected to have sex with her if she is willing and available. He doesn’t get to say he’s not up for sex, and would rather have a wank thank you without OP getting upset with him. So of course, he has to wank in secret otherwise he’d be pressured into sex or made to feel guilty.

He isn’t required to divulge his personal medical information to his partner when it isn’t an STI. It’s his private information. She has no right to know. So this is not an honesty issue, but a privacy issue.

Imagine your DH confided to his friends about you having vaginal dryness? A very normal thing in older women, just as erectile dysfunction is common in older men.

Imagine him and his mates discussing how you couldn't have sex without using lubricant first?

You needing to use lubricant has nothing to do with him. He could dress like James Bond with a rose between his teeth & swing from your bedroom chandelier. It won't make your vaj any less dry.

FWIW I'm with you on the porn, but in the nicest possible way, you are being a bit of a twat about the viagra.

I don’t think you are unreasonable. The issue isn’t the viagra, it’s the humiliation feeling about the way you have acted at a time now knowing he was helped into an erection. He’s made you feel silly and he’s hidden an important thing about something so intimate and personal. Essentially he has knocked your sexual confidence that you turn him on.

Communication is key and he needs to understand this.

If it helps the use of viagra only really helps if you are aroused. Your husband has to be aroused for it to take effect.

Personally, I get this... For background, I love my wife, but she has no interest in sex. It started ok when we were dating but has now dropped to at most once per month.

Initially, I'd see her naked, or in pyjamas, and hope it might lead to sex but it never did. I didn't want to be pushy, so I just left it and told her I was there if she was ever in the mood. I see her naked or in something sexy almost daily, but my body has realised that it's not going to lead to anything. Even her kissing me now, or trying to initiate, doesn't really work for me. (For all those wondering, this has nothing to do with porn either).

The thing is, if she wants it now and I'm not hard, she gets her feelings hurt like I don't love her.

So I do get the viagra secret... sometimes the desire is there, but the body has stopped working. Sometimes, it's easier hide its use. You don't want to hurt your partner by implying you're no longer excited by them.

(As it happens, I don't use viagra... I'm just saying I 'get' it).

The logical fallacies in this thread are amazing.

Man used porn, wasn't honest about it, so therefore was a porn-addict. Nope, not true or proven. Lies can told about many things, doesn't prove addiction.

Man used porn, has ED, sometimes over use of porn can cause ED, therefore this man's use of porn caused his ED. Again, a massive logical fail especially based on such scant information.

It is far more likely that his ED is age-related than porn related, just based on probability and the comparative incidence of porn-ED and age-ED.

Finally, PP saying that communication is the key, your feelings are valid and to suggest otherwise is gaslighting - well, no, understanding is key - if you understand that Viagra is nothing to do with you and your partner's attractions and feelings towards you, but all to do with a physical process that needs help, then there is zero reason to have the feelings you're having in the first place.
Attraction, love and lust are in the brain, they're still there, the viagra is doing sod all to any of that.

As for telling your friends. good flipping grief, that's awful.

So your husband has a condition and instead of supporting him you go ahead and bash him for it. What a disgraceful attitude.
I feel for your husband for having to share his life with someone so selfish.

YAB very U. It's got absolutely nothing to do with how attracted your husband is to you.

If you were experiencing vaginal dryness during menopause, and had to use lube for sex, would you expect your husband to be angry and humiliated and accuse you of not finding him attractive because you didn't get wet? Or would you expect him to understand that sometimes human bodies just don't behave the way we want them to and that occasionally they might need a bit of assistance?

He didn't tell you about it because he knew that you'd react like this. He's embarrassed and you're insecure.

How can people say porn isn't an issue? It's completely factual to state that men become desensitised from watching porn. Porn even becomes preferable to a regular sex life. Surveys have shown that people in relationships are having less sex than ever. I can guarantee people's sex lives were a damn sight better before the internet existed.

It could actually go both ways...

Porn = less sex
or
Less sex = more porn

You are way way out of order talking about this to multiple friends. That is a much bigger issue than your dh trying to do something to resolve an issue he has without worrying you.

Are you going to share with him you are discussing his private and intimate issue without his consent? He deserves to know he can’t trust you.

Thanks for all the replies - ok, I get it, I'm being unreasonable! I guess I just needed to give my head a wobble.

No, I didn't know how viagra works. I do now.

If he discussed me with his friends I wouldn't mind a jot.

I've apologised for my reaction and stressed that it's no big deal. It's the secrecy, lies and deceit that I'm hurt by, not the bloody tablets.

And have you explained to him that you've it with your friends? Perhaps see how he feels about it.

Huh? I don’t understand this? You cannot get any more intimate then having someone put their body inside yours and you don’t think that warrants a conversation if extra help is needed?

You can put your penis inside them but not share that something else is going on down there? Wtf?

It would hurt my feelings OP, but that’s more my insecurity issues.

Worrying he felt he couldn’t talk to you, that would really hurt my feelings. My mind would be whizzing that he had something to hide ie he didn’t fancy me.

To be honest OP, although I think you were being a bit unreasonable about the viagra, the fact is you were upset and probably need a bit of time to process your thoughts.

You feel how you feel and no one gets to tell you that you had the wrong feelings. And good for you for asking for other people's views and taking them on board.

My ego is feeling a bit bruised still. He's not being affectionate in bed at all, never mind sex! Could this be because he's worried about not being able to perform so is keeping me at a distance?

YABU
So what if he uses viagra?
Nothing wrong with porn if you have a good sex life, as you say.

I can see you creating problems for your relationship and sex life and if this is how you are I’m not surprised he didn’t tell you.

You need to chill.

I’m not surprised, given your reaction to the viagra.
He feels he can’t talk to you because instead of supporting him, you shamed him and made it all about you.
Your attitude would be a real turn off imo.

You should not have discussed this with your friends. That's not on. Maybe that's why he didn't say anything because he thought you'd be sharing his intimate issues with others.

Ffs, the guy is probably embarrassed so didn’t want to tell you as he knew you would overreact or feel bad, and you’ve don’t EXACTLY THAT. Not only that - you’ve told your friends he can’t get a bladdy hardon. You might not ‘care a jot’ if he told his mates you couldn’t get aroused by him but he might feel differently! Good lord - if my husband ever did that! Your poor husband.