To wish I had been able to have my babies come naturalky

[Wishihaddone]

I know people will tell me it doesn’t matter and all that matters is that they are healthy and of course this is true but I’d still appreciate being able to share feelings.

When I had DS, I was induced because of my age. I didn’t really know any better and just went along with what I was told. It was a horrible experience which resulted in an emergency section some 72 hours later. I didn’t act mind the section but I was exhausted and very sick and confused, not the best start.

Two and a half years later I was adamant I wasn’t going to be induced so had a planned section at 39 + 6. Much nicer experience but I still wish I’d been able to experience my watered breaking and going into labour naturally. Does anyone else feel the same?

No I don't but you are entitled to feel how you feel. I had an EMCS at 31 weeks. DTs would have died without it. I don't care how they got here, they did.

I’m sorry to hear that @idontlikealdi

I do care how they got here.

I also feel like this. In the scheme of things it isn’t important, I know that and so do you - but yes I would have liked to have experienced a natural labour.

I understand your feelings.

Baby 1 - Induced, relatively straightforward but waters broken for me, and ended up with a ventouse delivery

Baby 2 - I started labour naturally but never experienced waters breaking, ended up with another ventouse emergency delivery due to shoulder dystocia and a whole lot of drama.

Baby 3 - Induced, took 5 whole days before I got to labour ward, waters broken, 10cm dilated, a whole lot of pushing and an emergency c-section.

I've often looked back and thought, it must be nice to have one of those lovely calm births but it clearly wasn't for me!

Thanks for understanding!

DDs birth was actually lovely and calm. I was just really hoping she’d come before her due date but she didn’t!

Not the same so probably not what you want to hear as I have experienced it but my last two were Emcs (felt forced into trying for a Vbac with the last one because the mw was quite pushy which didn’t work!) hated the C-section and felt sad that I couldn’t have the natural labour again and if I was to have anymore (thankfully don’t want to) it could only be a C-section now. People think I’m weird though and see a C-section as the better way and easy way out but I preferred the natural labour and can understand why you would want to experience it.

Yes I feel exactly that, although my inductions were quite straightforward.

Baby 1. induced at 37.1 weeks due to high blood pressure. Delivered 5 hours later on the drip.

Baby 2. Emergency C section at 40 weeks due to waters breaking naturally but no contractions for over 48hrs.

Baby 3. Induced at 38.9 weeks due to maternal age, delivered 4 hours later on the drip.

Even if you went into natural labour you may have ended up with intervention or horrible tearing, distressed baby etc. There is nothing to say they would have arrived any differently in the end anyway.

I've only ever been induced (and only had B2B) so I sorta get where you are coming from. I didn't even know I could say no - I learnt that here on MN afterwards.

Yes - but it’s a long time ago now (youngest is 16) and I’ve got my head round it.

DS1 - vaginal birth but induced
DS2 - c section - when I realised that I would never get to experience going into natural labour as we weren’t having any more.

My great midwife helped. She asked me to say what being induced was like - and when I did, said, well imagine that but just a bit slower and less intense and you’re basically there.

My birthing class had a great exercise. You wrote every single thing that was important to you on little slips of paper. Everything from 'healthy baby' to 'candles and reiki'. Then the facilitator took you through a birth. And at each step she'd say, "things aren't going that well, throw one piece of paper away". Or, "you aren't progressing, another piece" until every couple was left with just the healthy baby piece.

My birth was very like your first. I just kept thinking, "oh well, another piece of paper". Until all that was left was healthy DD. It REALLY helped. You can't do that in retrospect but you can rationalise that the only reason you and your children are here to be sad about the birth is because of the birth. It is a survivor's perspective. And as such is immensely privileged.

I'm fairly sure DD and/or I wouldn't be OK without all that intervention. I didn't get my home birth with a pool. I did get DD.

Women remember their birth stories all their lives. You're not being at all unreasonable, however you feel.

Don't be hard on yourself. Feel your feelings but remember that a natural birth does not always equal no interventions. You can start of naturally and end up with an emcs.

Plus knowing that I would have been very foolish to have refused a c section. He had the cord round his neck which was causing the dropping heart rate. Thank god I took the Dr’s advice.

I had 2 sections - one emergency at 32 weeks and then a planned section at 39+ 3 due to issues left over from the first.

I appreciate the fact we have these options, certainly both me and my eldest would not be here without.

However, I do understand how you feel. For me it's the fact the options were taken out of my hands. Particularly the first birth I have few memories and those I have are blurred but I look back now and it's upsetting how much was taken away from me, even in terms of options. However I obviously know this is no one's fault and it's just one of those unfortunate things.

I also never got the do skin to skin or hold my babies when they were born. I didn't hold my first for days. I think when you plan a baby or fall pregnant you get an image in your head of what birth / the early days will be like and it is disappointing or upsetting when that doesn't transpire through no fault of your own.

I am 4 years on from the first and it still stings me when I have friends who have 'normal, straightforward births'. Of course I'd never show this!

Always remember what historians know - childbirth before modern
medicine was highly dangerous. If you can frame it as being grateful for a safe outcome, you’ll be fine.

I think you need a little more of an attitude of gratitude. You have produced two healthy babies through the miracle (and yes, it is a miracle) of modern medicine. Women used to die in childbirth frequently not that many decades ago. Don't waste any more energy on what-ifs and could-have-beens--expend it on your miracle children instead.

this. and unfortunately women still die in childbirth more often than is acceptable in less developed countries. others are left with life changing injuries due to complex birth. I come from a country where we had one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the world twenty years ago due to lack of medical interventions (they were all having 'natural' births). this has now been reduced due to tireless work which has allowed for greater provision of medical interventions.

I think @Wishihaddone it's important to remember that you can have an extremely traumatic experience while having a 'natural birth' and vice versa. the problem is the widespread misuse of the term 'natural' birth and the connotations it has. all births are natural. unless you have a Rosemary's baby situation or alien v predator situation, it's all natural.

I also mourn not having the ‘natural’ birthing experience I wanted.
water birth booked with baby 1 but after 3 day labour, failure to progress, meconium and baby’s heat rate dropping I had an em CS. Traumatic. Terrifying. PTSD. No positive memories of giving birth to my much wanted DD. So sad. Took over a year to bond.
planned CS with baby2 after being advised not to try VBAC. A much more positive experience but still not the Earth mother moment I was hoping for in my silly hippy punk heart.
i comfort myself with the memory that I breastfed them both, even though I was very ill and weak after the births and also got pneumonia.
i know we’re supposed to only remember we got the live baby, but our feelings of regret are valid.
i’m still disappointed for not managing to deliver naturally like ‘a real woman’ 22 years later. 🌷

You’re not being at all unreasonable. I think alot of people have things they’d like to change about their births / would like to experience birth differently. I actually don’t know many people who were happy with how their birth experience turned out.
It’s ok to feel sad at not experiencing something, but also being so grateful for what you have as a result of how your births went.

YANBU and you are entitled to feel however you feel.

I had similar births to yours by the sounds of it. I really struggled after the EMCS with feelings of failure and it all got muddled up with my PND. I had also done a hypnobirthing course which was a big contributing factor into the feelings of failure because it was all centred around not allowing unnecessary interventions and doing the breathing and affirmations and trusting that your body would know what to do. When my body didn't just "know what to do" safely, I felt that if I'd practiced more breathing techniques or said more affirmations or whatever other bollocks, I'd have had a beautiful natural birth experience. It was never going to happen and it wasn't my fault.

Then after my ELCS births, which were necessary after DC1, I just felt sad that I would never have that lovely water birth.

For me, it's been the passage of time that's put it to bed and also unfortunately health issues for myself and one of my DC which have really put things into perspective and have in all honesty made my issues surrounding their births seem trivial. My head is filled with so much other stuff now that I just don't have the space for it. Another thing I used to think a lot about is women throughout history and elsewhere in the world currently who die in childbirth in shocking numbers. C sections are a life saving miracle and it helped me to reframe my C sections as something we were so, so lucky to have had, as opposed to something that robbed me of a magical experience. The experience they "robbed" me of was likely myself and my child dying. I know this isn't helpful for everyone and some people feel it's invalidating their feelings so apologies if that's how it feels to you. I am just sharing what helped me.

It’s vaginal and non vaginal. All births are natural, how could they be otherwise? I think more understanding around that alongside the reality of what unmedicated pregnancy and childbirth meant in terms of outcomes historically here, and in the present elsewhere is helpful too.

Your post has made me think where does the feeling stop?

I had two planned c sections for medical reasons. With my first, my waters broke before the planned c section so I was pleased I got to experience that. With my second, I lasted until my planned date but I went into early labour in the days beforehand so had contractions for a few days, so I was again pleased I got to experience that.

So whilst I had two of the things you regret, I regret that I never had a vaginal birth and got to have that experience. I guess the issue is we are conditioned to see birth a certain way, and it happening any other other way does make some of us feel like a failure.

I think when the birth you have is so far removed from the birth you envisioned for yourself it is unsettling. Ds1 is now 21, I wanted a calm water birth but right from the start things started to go very wrong with possible placental abruption and me gushing bright red blood. Ds went into distress crashing his heart rate down. I ended up with an EMCS where they jogged the bed down to theatre and Dh literally made it through the door as they started cutting me open. Ds2 was ELCS.

As with many things in life I have come to accept it and change the thought mid-thought. I could say my Mum is dead and I am devastated that she is no longer here, but instead I say, I am grateful that my Mum lived until I was 35, met both my children and cherish the memories I have of her. I do that with everything, I am a glass half full. Ds1 could have died, I am lucky that I live in a country where I have access to medical care that meant I could get an emergency section immediately upon needing one.

Over time the injustice does fade but only if you don't keep feeding it. You cannot change what has gone before, be happy that your child is alive, healthy and pray it stays that way. Many are not so lucky.

In some ways I feel the same, and in others I'm glad I had c sections. I've heard utter horror stories of women giving birth, holes tearing, collapsed this that and the other, etc, shudder.