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Original poster

To think that at almost 30 I should know if I want children or not?

57 replies

PeachOrca · 21/03/2024 08:00

I’m 29 and got married about 6 months ago. Naturally straight after the wedding DH and I got loads of questions about if/when we were going to have kids. It’s something we have both discussed extensively and the only answer we ever come up with is ‘I don’t know, it’s up to you if you want kids or not’

we both have nieces and nephews we adore and see regularly and both love kids so it’s not an issue of that. I see my future both with kids and without kids as does he and neither of us feel particularly one way or the other.

even if we did go down the kids route it’s not something we would start trying for right away but I just feel by now I should KNOW if I definitely want or don’t want to have kids? I’m worried if we do and realise we shouldn’t have, we’d ruin our lives and that of an innocent child. I’m also worried of deciding too late and then it not happening. Either way I worry about regrets.

does anyone have any advice/help?

OP posts:
Hairspray123 · 21/03/2024 08:45

OP you sound kind and caring and expressing how much you love your family I would say you would not ruin your lives and that of your child. You would love your child and it would be your world. However that doesnt mean that you should have or are ready for children. You do what you want dont be dictated by society. In the same turn don't assume you will be able to get pregnant when you want if even at all. Yes it may be very easy for you but for so many it is not, dont live with regret that you didnt concider it early enough. Also remember children while they are forever they are not young forever. Now, with DC I relaise that as they age that time when it will be just DH and I again will approach so fast although it is years away still. You do whats best for you just concider all possibilities.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 21/03/2024 08:49

Don't put pressure on yourself OP- I was in a similar position and didn't know until I was 32. Try to just tolerate the uncertainty and be with your ambivalence for now. It's likely you will decide you want them, statistically- so focus on doing amazing bucket list things with your DH in this last child free bit of time

LoobyDop · 21/03/2024 08:49

Why should you know? I changed my mind several times throughout my 30s. Life evolves.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/03/2024 08:50

At 30, I didn’t think I wanted children. Changed my mind around five years later.

PossumintheHouse · 21/03/2024 08:50

I think you sound caring and very sensible.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm late 30s and we've only just started trying for children. I gave it a hell of a lot of thought during my 30s and never felt ready, which I feel my parents were rather responsible for (to call their parenting questionable would be polite). You still have time to think things though, there's no rush.

Flossyflop · 21/03/2024 08:54

Me and my partner got together at 26 and I didn’t know until I was 32!! We had a great life and had the same discussions you did and eventually decided we’d regret not going for it. We’ve never looked back and as soon as we started trying and had to wait a while I wanted it more than anything in the world!

Had our baby at 34.

Give yourself a bit of time, travel if you can and enjoy being newly weds.

SnapdragonToadflax · 21/03/2024 09:01

At 30 I thought I might in future but wasn't sure and definitely not anytime soon. By 32/33 I was desperately broody. It's very weird when those hormones kick in!

I would say just spend time with families with kids and decide if you want that life - it's hard work and you lose most of your freedom for quite a few years.

x2boys · 21/03/2024 09:03

Some people change their minds in their 30,s

OrigamiStar · 21/03/2024 09:05

There’s no mad rush, as you say yourself. And no, I think lots of people don’t have a clear position on this aged 30, and you’re not in the least anomalous. I’d put it out of my head entirely for a year or two.

Adhdorlazy · 21/03/2024 09:05

As PPs have said I think it’s very common to not be sure at 30, but massively broody by 32…and if not by 35.

I would enjoy married life together for a bit. I married later so there wasn’t much time and had to get started on TTC right away.

enjoy your time together- do all the things you want to do ( big holidays etc). You’re far more likely to want kids if you’ve ticked off a couple of things on your bucket list imo!

Mushroo · 21/03/2024 09:05

I got married at 29 and also didn’t know! I was really on the fence (leaning towards not).

Once I hit 31 something just changed and I really wanted one! I think I was at a wedding and the father of the bride gave a lovely speech and it just made me realise I wanted a family, not necessarily a baby.

Currently breastfeeding my 3 month old and it’s the best thing I’ve done, no regrets.

My advice is don’t rush the decision, if you do decide you want them, you’ll know.

CurlewKate · 21/03/2024 09:05

We were absolutely certain not- until I was 37!
If you can, try not think about it for a year or two, then revisit.

innerdesign · 21/03/2024 09:08

33, married last year and no idea if we want kids. Leaning towards no. DH and I are totally on the same page with not knowing, it's not like when one of us decides it'll sway the decision for us both though. Also we've had only one person ask if/when we're going to start trying for kids (to which I replied maybe we'll get another dog), the rest of our friends and family aren't that rude. At 29 you have plenty time to decide.

SnapdragonToadflax · 21/03/2024 09:08

Oh and I know someone who definitely didn't want children all through her 30s, until she was 39 and then changed her mind and had two in quick succession (was pregnant with the second before her first-born turned one). She'd been married a few years so it was quite a surprise! But she's very happy now.

Softycatchymonkeys · 21/03/2024 09:11

I spent my 30s agonising about whether to have kids or not. In the end I decided the main thing that makes me happy in life are the people in it so we decided to go for it. Had mine at 40 and 41. Best thing I ever did.

Precipice · 21/03/2024 09:14

Don't put pressure on yourself to decide; you have time.

However, don't have a child if you're not sure you want to have a child. There are always regrets in life. It seems better to regret not having a child than regretting having one.

Mnetcurious · 21/03/2024 09:15

Just chill out for now. There’s no rush to make a decision at 29. Enjoy your life as newlyweds and the freedom that being child-free gives you. Agree to revisit the topic in a few years if the urge to have children hasn’t hit you by then. You’ll know when and if the time is right.

AdoraBell · 21/03/2024 09:19

I always thought I didn’t want children. When my abusive mother died I realised that I didn’t want to have children while she was still alive.

Could you sit down with your DH and list the pros and cons of having children? Practical things like how it could change things like working/holidays/general expenses.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 21/03/2024 09:20

Why should you know? Don't feel any pressure, and I think it's very inappropriate for anyone to ask you about it. It's a decision for you and your DH only. I have to say, I only knew for sure I did after having a miscarriage, which is very weird. We were trying for the pregnancy but more of a 'see what happens', and I was very prepared for a life without kids if it never happened. After the MC it totally convinced me it was want I wanted. I think you need to discuss how you want your life to be more broadly.

KickboxingWanker · 21/03/2024 09:24

i was absolutely adamant I didn’t want children.
Then when I got about 35 it was all I wanted - body clock started massively ticking - it was so strange.

enjoy yourself, if you change your mind at a later date that’s Ok.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/03/2024 09:31

Could you possibly have a fertility check just to be on the safe side?

I have two friends who started trying around 34 and unfortunately when they went after a year or so without success they found out they didn't have many eggs left. Both have struggled to come to terms with it.

Conversely I have another friend who had her first naturally at 48! You just never know really but a check may provide some breathing space.

LolaJ87 · 21/03/2024 09:35

I thought I probably did at 30, but wasn't fully sure. I had my first at 35 and as soon as I had him I was desperate for another! 37 this year and will probably TTC in a few months. You have time to decide!

Figment1982 · 21/03/2024 10:47

I got to 39 and still didn't know if I wanted kids or not. DH and I decided to let fate take its course, and I got pregnant at the first attempt.

5 years down the line I'm still not sure if I want kids or not.

Luckily, my daughter is the most perfect and amazing human being ever to come into existence, so that makes life easier despite still not being sure.

We aren't having another one though!

bringmorewashing · 21/03/2024 11:27

Don't let people pressure you. I got married at 31 and had the same comments. I was also on the fence and had a lot else going on. In the five years since then we've moved across the country, built our careers, bought a house, done some more travelling, and I've started my master's. With all that and the pandemic, family illnesses etc I didn't have the headspace to give it serious thought until about a year ago

The topic started to play on my mind more around my 35th birthday, I think that milestone made me feel like it was decision time. I'm now pregnant with our first and I can't exactly say I made the decision that I definitely 100% wanted kids, it was more that I felt I'd probably regret it later if I didn't, and that we might as well get on with it! As time goes by I'm more and more enthusiastic but the idea has taken a lot of getting used to.

KimberleyClark · 21/03/2024 11:30

Precipice · 21/03/2024 09:14

Don't put pressure on yourself to decide; you have time.

However, don't have a child if you're not sure you want to have a child. There are always regrets in life. It seems better to regret not having a child than regretting having one.

This. Unfortunately some people do find after having kids that they didn’t really want them and it’s too late then.