To think that at almost 30 I should know if I want children or not?

[PeachOrca]

I’m 29 and got married about 6 months ago. Naturally straight after the wedding DH and I got loads of questions about if/when we were going to have kids. It’s something we have both discussed extensively and the only answer we ever come up with is ‘I don’t know, it’s up to you if you want kids or not’

we both have nieces and nephews we adore and see regularly and both love kids so it’s not an issue of that. I see my future both with kids and without kids as does he and neither of us feel particularly one way or the other.

even if we did go down the kids route it’s not something we would start trying for right away but I just feel by now I should KNOW if I definitely want or don’t want to have kids? I’m worried if we do and realise we shouldn’t have, we’d ruin our lives and that of an innocent child. I’m also worried of deciding too late and then it not happening. Either way I worry about regrets.

does anyone have any advice/help?

Sadly no matter how prepared you are no one can ever be sure until it happens.
I'm one of the lucky ones, not fussed either way but then I fell pregnant at 39 and never regretted a second.
I have read horror stories though and I guess my advice would be the more you want something obsessively the harder it is to adapt to the reality of it. I think with your attitude you'd actually take to parenting really well. But I do still feel guilty sometimes at bringing a child into this shitty world. My sister had same feelings but went the other way and chose a life full of what she wanted to do, dogs, horses, holidays...don't think she's ever regretted it either. She's a very popular auntie.

We changed our minds in our mid 30's. Sure before that we didn't want kids then changed our minds. Took 2 years and 2 miscarriages so I wasn't sure it was going to happen but it did.
So no I don't think you have to know and even if you make a decision now it can always change.

Why should you know? And, how? No-one knows how pregnancy, childbirth and parenting will affect their life. It's a risk. Take it if the risk of being without a child is greater.

I wanted to be a mother from being around four years old. I achieved that at 24 - but when I was pregnant, I felt trapped and scared. I'd thought, planned, had pre-conceptual care before anyone thought of such a thing (GP was shocked and wrote sarky comments about 'contemplating pregnancy' on my notes) and still felt terrified of the responsibility I now had.

24 sounds outrageously young, now, but I'd been married four years, we had a mortgage, a nice home (we lived near the sea, it was very nice for a baby) and a car, my husband (also 24) could support a family.

Hanging around with people who have babies might help you decide. Or not, because how you feel about your own is different.

No, I don't think so. It comes to some later than others. I definitely didn't want children up until I was 34 and then my hormones took over and I changed my view completely.

Unfortunately that killed my marriage because my ex refused to entertain the idea. He (correctly) said children had never been part of the deal.

It took me another 8 years to meet ds' dad but I got there in the end.

Just enjoy being young and have adventures together...the children thing will happen or not happen depending on how you feel in a few years. Don't worry about it!

I hadn’t ‘ruled out’ kids at 30 but was on the fence. I was probably 32-33 when I fully realised it’s what I wanted and DP and I started having serious conversations about it. Then I got pregnant at 34.

Rightly or wrongly the timing or even decision can be heavily influenced by your peers. Sometimes with a group of friends everyone is at a younger or older age. It's like no one wants to be first but if you see your friends or family with a baby you may feel a very strong maternal pull. Or you might see how their lives have changed and think no way! I agree with PPs that you have time but I wouldn't feel like you have loads of time. I think its foolish to wait til 37 and then end up heartbroken if your fertility lets you down. I'd say park it by 2 years and then have a chat about it if you are still not sure give it another two.