To think that at almost 30 I should know if I want children or not?

[PeachOrca]

I’m 29 and got married about 6 months ago. Naturally straight after the wedding DH and I got loads of questions about if/when we were going to have kids. It’s something we have both discussed extensively and the only answer we ever come up with is ‘I don’t know, it’s up to you if you want kids or not’

we both have nieces and nephews we adore and see regularly and both love kids so it’s not an issue of that. I see my future both with kids and without kids as does he and neither of us feel particularly one way or the other.

even if we did go down the kids route it’s not something we would start trying for right away but I just feel by now I should KNOW if I definitely want or don’t want to have kids? I’m worried if we do and realise we shouldn’t have, we’d ruin our lives and that of an innocent child. I’m also worried of deciding too late and then it not happening. Either way I worry about regrets.

does anyone have any advice/help?

Well, I’m mid-30s and still don’t know if I want kids!

I think it’s perfectly normal.

See how you feel in a few years.

You probably won't be sure for another 10 years, OP.

More importantly, people are F*ing rude if they are asking you about kids. It's never OK to ask that, regardless of whether you already have zero kids, or 1, 2, 3 etc.
It is nobody else's business, so come up with a positive but definitive comment that you can use to shut down any such questions.

The OP doesn't have a view. No mind to change. She us saying she really doesn't know either way

Why on earth do 44% of posters think the OP is being unreasonable because she doesn't know if she wants children or not
What is so unreasonable about that?

Are all of these voters woman who can't imagine life without children?

I don't know why we have to have decided one way or another. You can be a maybe for quite a long time.

I don't have any advice, but it took me until I was 39 to come up with the realisation I wanted kids after nearly 20 years of not wanting them. Best thing I have ever done & I cannot imagine life without him or not being a mum now. You'll know when you know. I will say don't let yourself be swayed by others, it's bloody hard work!

If you don't "know" you want kids, you don't "want" them. And that's absolutely fine. It's an opt-in thing.

Right now, you don't want kids. Embrace and enjoy that. If the day comes when you change your mind and do want them, great, you can give it a shot. But there's no point agonising over why you don't currently want them. You just don't. You don't need a 'reason' to not want kids.

This is a good point, I might do just to see where I am at. I have been really surprised at the number of women I know in late 20s/early 30s that have struggled to conceive and I think one of my worries is that I decide too late and regret putting it off so long. At least if I do a check I am aware if there is more of a timescale to consider.

I’m shocked so many people are voting unreasonable and so many comments are telling me I’m not - not sure which way to view myself!

Sometimes not knowing is knowing, if that makes sense.

Having a child is something you have to really really actively want. If you can't decide if you do or don't - then you don't.

That may change, who knows, but if it doesn't that's absolutely fine. The only reason to have a child is because you 100% know you want one. Anything less than that is not fair to you or a child.

Can I just point out that I NEVER strongly knew I was ready until my planned pregnancy. Even though I'm a nurturing person, I've never been great with young children. I don't buy that you have to feel 100% ready, some people are anxious overthinkers (like me) who would never do anything if we had to wait until we were doubt free.

I adore my son, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm so happy to have taken the leap.

I never knew. I was very ambivalent, married at 30. I finally said yes to trying when I was 37 and that was primarily because DH really wanted a child.

Turned out I'm super maternal. Which surprised me!

Another one who wasn’t totally sure.

i knew intellectually that I didn’t want to NOT have kids, and by 30 DH and I had been together a long time and felt as ready as we ever would, so started trying in a very ‘it will be what it will be’ kind of way.

a good few months in nothing was happening and I remember speaking to my best friend who told me she was pregnant.
I was so so happy for her (she’s super maternal!) but also felt this really primal ‘but what about me!’ Desire for a baby, which id never really had before, and sobbing like a loon
(spoiler: I was pregnant and just hadn’t tested yet 😂)

@GoingOverToTheDarkSide but was it really a primal desire or a social desire? I'm glad it worked out for you and you got what you ultimately wanted, but I don't think it's unusual for women to start desperately wanting babies when their closest peers start having them.

I wouldn't bother if I were you. It sounds dreadful.

I agree with this. Only go for it if/when you know you do want them.

This is good advice. People will be hurrying you on to the "next stage" because that's what they expect to see. Life isn't a Tv series where the next episode rolls around! Just take a few years to be married and then revisit.

You sound like someone who has a lovely family network and an important part within that, you don't need to rush straight to babies just because you've ticked the wedding box.

I’m a year older than you and never really felt broody or like I wanted “a baby” exactly, but in an abstract way thought I wanted my future to include a family of my own. So decided to go for it despite not being totally sure.

Our little girl is 5 months old now and I’ve found the whole experience way more fun and joyful than I thought it would be. I had in my head that the early part is a bit of a slog you just have to get through but it’s not been like that at all.

I’m not going to pretend to be an expert and from what I can see, the toddler years ahead look tougher but I have no regrets.

I think it started with a social ‘that would be nice’ kind of desire, but when it was a primal urge it was PRIMAL. No fighting it. They could’ve made babies illegal at that point and I’d still have had one 😂

I didn't know until I was about 36. I had 2 children and it was definitely the right decision. I have many friends who had their first child in their mid 30s.

There's no rush, enjoy being married first.

I was like you at that age. I didn't decide I wanted kids until I was in my mid thirties. I had my first at 35 and second at 37. Now I know I don't want any more.

I never had the urge to have children. They are so much hard work that I think you must have to really want a child to take that path. I was never more than ambivalent about it. Don’t regret it at all.

Maybe they thought: YABU: it‘s completely normal not to know what you want? 😅

You‘ve received plenty replies similar to mine, but i‘ll just add that we got married at ages 28/29 and were pretty much in the „maybe“ state of deciding and i had my first child at 31 after a lot of thought and doubts. It is exhausting, especially if you have no help from family and a difficult baby. But noone can describe the love and happiness those little monsters bring into your life. You wouldn’t know what you‘re missing though whereas i know exactly what i‘m missing out on when my childfree friends post holiday/spa/concert pictures - no regrets though because i‘ve had lots of „free“ years before and will have them again when the kids are older!

I met my husband at 29 and was very much not bothered if I had kids or not. Once living together and getting married we talked and decided to “go for it” and had our first when I was 35 and I’m now pregnant with my second at 37.
I will be honest and say I’m not a “kid” person and had worried I wouldn’t be a very good mum and wouldn’t be maternal…..it all changed when I started feeling my LO move in my belly and even more when she was born. I have so much love for my daughter and enjoy being a mum so much and seeing her grow. Although I am sure my life would have been fine if I hadn’t chosen to have children I feel she has added SO MUCH joy and happiness to our lives. Everything feels more special and magical (like Christmas and birthdays ect).
dont put pressure on yourself either way. One day you will either know or you won’t x

You’re very young! At this age it is not necessary for you to be sure what you want one way or the other. Live for a bit with just your ‘new’ DH and enjoy some time being just the two of you.