Lost it with DD, feel awful

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. I'm a regular poster but name changed for this.

I have two DC, a DD who is 5 and a DS who is 1.5. DD is normally a really good kid but recently has been fighting us on EVERYTHING.

Today she was refusing to put her school uniform on. Managed to get her into it eventually but she then was refusing to put her school shoes on and wanted to wear her trainers instead. I told her no, that she could only wear trainers when she had PE and she needed to put her school shoes on. DS is currently unwell (just getting over a nasty cold) so was quite grizzly/fussy all morning and hadn't slept much the night before. So I was already frazzled.

When I told DD she needed to put her shoes on and I handed them to her, she began screaming NO at the top of her lungs and threw them across the kitchen. This set off DS who also started screaming. I am ashamed to admit that I lost it 😔 I shouted that DD was NOT to do that and she WAS going to put her bloody shoes on, and then when she continued to scream and shout back at me I punched the dining room chair several times and quite hard ☹️ Hard enough that one of my knuckles is actually bruised now.

DD didn't cry but she stopped screaming and looked quite shocked. DS wasn't in the room luckily. Almost right away the anger dissipated and I just felt complete shame and guilt and still do now. DD did end up putting her shoes on and went to school and she seems perfectly fine and happy, but I still feel like the crappiest mum in existence. I did apologise to DD and said that mummy lost her temper but that it wasn't nice or acceptable. I have never done anything like this before. I've raised my voice before of course but never completely lost my rag and hit an object like that. I just felt completely frazzled and the noise made me feel like my head was going to explode.

I feel so shit

Don’t. Me and ex dh used to wonder why more small children weren’t killed as they are so incredibly difficult at times. You didn’t hurt her. If it happens again I would remove yourself from the room. And sometimes I pick my battles. If school wouldn’t mind trainers, I might have let it slide. But you have huge sympathies. It gets better.

All you can do is learn from it.
Start working on ways that you can deal with it better.
Work out the flash points and try and avoid them.
Children can wear out your last nerve.

It’s also working chatting to dd and apologising for getting angry and saying next time you will remove yourself. It’s good to model dealing with anger to dc. And to model calming down and apologising.

Don't feel shit, I'm sure me and my brother pushed my mum to these sort of breaking points points we were little. I'm 30 now and he's 33, all best friends. It's totally normal you did nothing damaging, so what you hit a chair? Years ago our parents and grandparents would've done far worse. Honestly give yourself a break.

First of all, don't beat yourself up. You're a human being with limits not a robot devoid of any feeling.

Second of all, you need to find a better coping mechanism when your children are pushing you, for example counting down, counting to ten, fireman's lift outside with shoes in hand, they can have the choice of walking to school without shoes or not.

The only thing I'd say is explosive outbursts do leave memories in children, that's not how you want their childhood to be remembered.

Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there. Just chalk this up to how you don't want to feel and how you don't want them to feel.

X

Don't beat yourself up it happens to be best of us. Give her an extra cuddle tonight and talk through the situation. I remember one similar shouty situation for each of my kids when they were younger and while it does bring me guilt it also reminds me to cool down before it happens again.
You're a human being not a mum-bot.

Thank you all. Normally I do just walk away or take a deep breath when DD is being testing, but today I just felt so frazzled from lack of sleep and DS being so fussy. Not at all an excuse, though. I just worry that DD has been traumatised, even though she seems fine.

Absolutely normal I’m afraid, however you generally react like that once only as you recognise the trigger the second time and walk away sooner . I personally don’t think it’s awful for kids to know mummy is human too.

Maybe next time she'll put her shoes on when asked.

If you can resolve to handle it better next time it will be fine.

I do think punching the chair was not great. This is pretty threatening and scary for an adult, let alone a child.

Breathe, walk away. Tomorrow is another day.

You don't sound so dreadful to me; you sound tired. I wouldn't actually advocate what happened, and what you did, but you didn't hurt her.

Only you know if it's a one off OP. It's when it is isn't then you have a problem

We’ve all been there. I’m sure I had worse explosions and to be fair, if she was shocked, then she learned without being hurt, that her behaviour was completely unacceptable. God, parenting is hard!

@CabinetofMonstrosities yes, I totally agree which is why I feel so awful.

It honestly is so fucking hard. I try so so hard not to shout coz I so vividly remember my mum used to scream and shout like a banshee but feel I’ve gone the opposite and lack boundaries. I would have ended up allowing the trainers coz I’m just like fuck it I’m not arguing with a child over a pair of shoes so u did well sticking to ur guns.
no one was hurt and ur daughter probably won’t even remember !

i agree that the chair punching wasn’t ideal but the fact is that your child was being very naughty.
At that age it’s obviously because they want to assert control but she needs to know that you are in charge not her and she needs to do what she is told or there will be consequences.
I’m a teacher you sound like you are a fab parent who perhaps went a bit far in frustration but I’d much prefer that the wishee washee types who let their kids do whatever they want with no boundaries so when they come to school cannot handle being told what to do.

I still can't handle both dc going on at me at once and mine are a lot bigger than yours!

What I would say is in this specific example I'd have let her put trainers on. I would have pointed out she was going to get in trouble but if she was happy to explain to the teacher that she had made the wrong decision this morning, that was up to her. Depends on how defiant your child is but mine would have been horrified at breaking rules.

Give yourself a break, OP. You had a rupture and you repaired it. Don’t hold on to the shame, it’ll eat you alive. There’s not a parent alive that hasn’t acted in a way they wish they haven’t of, unless they’re completely narcissistic.

Learn to forgive yourself, as parents we need to learn the art of letting go, so we can move forward. Sending hugs, Mumma xx

You have my sympathies but now you know you can get stretched this far to know when to leave the room and throw a pillow at a wall if you have to.

However, you did good to not give in about the trainers. Shocking the behaviour of some kids today because they have no boundaries because of wishy washy backedupbysciencebutbollocks parenting. You’re creating a good citizen, well done 👏

I don't know a single parent of young DC who can't say they haven't lost it once or twice. It's so so so hard to have patience when you're exhausted as well. I don't think this is anywhere near as big a deal as it think it is.

I was an incredibly obedient child, never in trouble, and my mum was an incredibly patient and devoted SAHM. But even she lost it the odd time!

As someone else said, I don't think it does them any harm to realise both that you're human and that their behaviour affects you.

I've had my child tell me they don't want to wear uniform before and I've just told them 'well your tie (for example) is part of the uniform and unfortunately, you have to wear it..if you don't want to put it on, then don't, but when the headteacher sees you and is cross you are not wearing it, you will need to explain why'.

This usually does the trick.

Don't feel bad about losing your temper. Yes you are a mum but you are human first.

She lost her temper and threw something. You lost your temper and hit something. You can both let it go and move on. It happens!
Now she knows you are human and have limits. Next time she will put her shoes on when you ask.

If ever I lose it, I take it as a sign that something underlying isn’t right. I’m not getting enough sleep/help/time to myself or whatever. We don’t just lose it out of nowhere, no matter how hard they push us. There’s always a context.

How are things for you generally at the mo?

And sending 💐. I’ve been there.

The chair hitting is a bit extreme but we all have a limit.

As for shouting at her - don't sweat it. She was being difficult and argumentative and now knows that people won't tolerate it 🤷‍♀️

I agree with all previous PPs who are saying - it happens, the important thing is that you care about the impact on her. That means a lot.

I would just say I think it’s important in your apology to say it was not her fault that you lost your temper. Yes, she was being disobedient and she cannot throw shoes. That is clear. But you are responsible for your actions and you lost control of yourself. That’s on you and own that with her as part of role modelling.

if it helps at all there is a good episode of ‘After Bedtime’ podcast on this - about how our temper thermometer rises from yellow to orange to red and what to do in each zone to try and get back to calm. You are obviously a good mum who has a hard time. We can’t be perfect.