Lost it with DD, feel awful

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. I'm a regular poster but name changed for this.

I have two DC, a DD who is 5 and a DS who is 1.5. DD is normally a really good kid but recently has been fighting us on EVERYTHING.

Today she was refusing to put her school uniform on. Managed to get her into it eventually but she then was refusing to put her school shoes on and wanted to wear her trainers instead. I told her no, that she could only wear trainers when she had PE and she needed to put her school shoes on. DS is currently unwell (just getting over a nasty cold) so was quite grizzly/fussy all morning and hadn't slept much the night before. So I was already frazzled.

When I told DD she needed to put her shoes on and I handed them to her, she began screaming NO at the top of her lungs and threw them across the kitchen. This set off DS who also started screaming. I am ashamed to admit that I lost it 😔 I shouted that DD was NOT to do that and she WAS going to put her bloody shoes on, and then when she continued to scream and shout back at me I punched the dining room chair several times and quite hard ☹️ Hard enough that one of my knuckles is actually bruised now.

DD didn't cry but she stopped screaming and looked quite shocked. DS wasn't in the room luckily. Almost right away the anger dissipated and I just felt complete shame and guilt and still do now. DD did end up putting her shoes on and went to school and she seems perfectly fine and happy, but I still feel like the crappiest mum in existence. I did apologise to DD and said that mummy lost her temper but that it wasn't nice or acceptable. I have never done anything like this before. I've raised my voice before of course but never completely lost my rag and hit an object like that. I just felt completely frazzled and the noise made me feel like my head was going to explode.

I feel so shit

Obviously any loss of control isn't good and shouldn't be a repeated but it's no bad thing for a kid to know they can only push things so far.

Don't feel shit. You got the job done.
You do whatever it takes.
Well done. 👍

And if they act up again, lose your shit again.

My two wouldn't put their shoes on or brush their teeth one school morning. I lost it and kicked the sofa; only I missed the cushion and hit the wooden base and broke my toe. That will teach me to lose my rag. Be kinder to yourself, you're only human, now you know your limits.

One isolated bollocking does no harm. The shock of it is usually what is needed to get the message through. I bet she puts her shoes on tomorrow!

You are human. None of us are perfect and you didn't clobber your child. She's fine and it won't have done her any harm to see that you have limits.

I well remember the battles over getting dressed and ready for school. They could be the stuff of legend. One day it got to 8.30 and we needed to leave. DD (then 5 or 6) was still in her pyjamas despite being told numerous times. I took a bag upstairs and began putting her school uniform into it saying that she would have to walk to school in the pyjamas and change into the uniform when we got there.

It worked. She panicked at the thought of appearing in front of her friends and class teacher in her pyjamas and knew that there would be consequences at school. She got dressed extremely fast and we rarely had that problem again.

Hope you're feeling better now.

Dust yourself off and tell DD you're sorry you lost your temper.

But remind her that she needs to cooperate, and tell her there is to be no repeat of her performance. School makes the rules, not you.

If you like, to prevent any further fights about uniform, get a calendar showing what has to be worn on what day.

5 year old girls are notorious for being stroppy and oppositional. Give pep talks and remind her what's going to happen every morning/ afternoon/ evening. Give her some choices about what she wears or plays, reads, watches on TV when it's possible to have a choice. Even on uniform days, maybe she could choose between two different hats, two pairs of underwear, two offerings for breakfast, etc.

So what? She has learned that her actions (or in this case inactions) have consequences ! We don't live in Disney land and in the real world disobedience makes parents cross!

Don’t be hard on yourself op. This is why the advice is there is a hit a pillow or scream into it.

My 3 year old DS is a bloody nightmare. I have to shout at him when he’s hitting me/pulling my hair/kicking me etc and it’s purely to beg him to stop as it hurts.

He’s also very much in the shouting ‘no phase’ and it’s a battle to get him dressed or put his shoes on at all every morning. So i end up having to wrestle him into his clothes. He knows I love him and i’m his favourite person, but some things are non-negotiable.

HV came round this week and said it’s ok to give a very firm no. She also talked about naughty step.

I also get these things kind of don’t work when you need to be somewhere.

Schools are pretty awful environments at the moment. They are so mismanaged and kids have a lot of pent up anger and frustration. My kid went through this weird explosive anger stage and it turned out to be all school related