Lost it with DD, feel awful

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. I'm a regular poster but name changed for this.

I have two DC, a DD who is 5 and a DS who is 1.5. DD is normally a really good kid but recently has been fighting us on EVERYTHING.

Today she was refusing to put her school uniform on. Managed to get her into it eventually but she then was refusing to put her school shoes on and wanted to wear her trainers instead. I told her no, that she could only wear trainers when she had PE and she needed to put her school shoes on. DS is currently unwell (just getting over a nasty cold) so was quite grizzly/fussy all morning and hadn't slept much the night before. So I was already frazzled.

When I told DD she needed to put her shoes on and I handed them to her, she began screaming NO at the top of her lungs and threw them across the kitchen. This set off DS who also started screaming. I am ashamed to admit that I lost it 😔 I shouted that DD was NOT to do that and she WAS going to put her bloody shoes on, and then when she continued to scream and shout back at me I punched the dining room chair several times and quite hard ☹️ Hard enough that one of my knuckles is actually bruised now.

DD didn't cry but she stopped screaming and looked quite shocked. DS wasn't in the room luckily. Almost right away the anger dissipated and I just felt complete shame and guilt and still do now. DD did end up putting her shoes on and went to school and she seems perfectly fine and happy, but I still feel like the crappiest mum in existence. I did apologise to DD and said that mummy lost her temper but that it wasn't nice or acceptable. I have never done anything like this before. I've raised my voice before of course but never completely lost my rag and hit an object like that. I just felt completely frazzled and the noise made me feel like my head was going to explode.

I feel so shit

OP don’t beat yourself up. It happens.

I remember years ago when dds were about 10 and 7 and they’d been bickering all day. Seriously done my head in. I turned around and shouted shut the fuck up. Not my finest moment I must admit, but they did indeed shut up. They’re 22 and 19 now and totally unscathed by it.

Similar happened in my house tonight. My 5 year old wouldn't put her pyjamas on. She screamed, kicked, punched me, frightened her little brother so he was howling, wouldn't leave the room, wouldn't do anything except scream and cry. I took myself and son out of the room, she followed, screaming, punching walls... I threw a toy train across the room and screamed NO in her face and then burst into tears. She ran away, I kicked a box of toys. It was absolutely horrendous. My poor 2 year old was terrified. I was worried the neighbours would call the police. Worst night of my life I think. You're not alone, this age is so fucking hard sometimes.

All you can do, is talk it through. She is old enough to understand why things happen. I have apologised to my daughter, she has apologised to me, she's on a TV ban for her behaviour. Then you have to move on. Try not to dwell on it, as hard as that is.

It appears that you didn't get the "endless patient", "perfect mum" gene when DD was born. Well, funnily enough, none of us did!

You are a big human, she is a little human - we all clash at times. It will happen again and again and again

Learn from it, and move on

If a man had done this would everyone be saying it’s fine ?

^^This.
This was how I handled things when mine were younger. If they wanted to do something like go out without a coat on. I’d explain that’s fine but you’re probably going to get very cold/wet but it’s up to you. With the trainers I would’ve said “ok wear your trainers but you may get into trouble at school”
But in all honesty OP I won’t sit here and say I’ve never lost my shit because I have!
You’ve accepted it wasn’t appropriate and apologised so just move on. 💐

I went through a phase of struggling when dd was the same age. It helped me to shake my hands out and repeat over and over 'this is not an emergency, this is not an emergency.' Just took me out of the situation a little and created a small gap to regain control in. Don't beat yourself up. It's bloody hard.

shouting is fine. aggression isn't.

Don't make a big deal of it and don't do it again.

@GrazingSheep

No they wouldn't it be all round ltb. However most people occasionally lose it like that, male or female. Little kids are bloody experts at button pushing

As awful as you feel just remember you were pushed to the limit and didn't hurt your child. We've all been there

Yes @GrazingSheep if a man wrote this, I’d still say the same. A man is a human too.

Don't stress. I remember a few occasions when I went off like a firework.

I found, on reflection, that maybe me being inflexible and insisting on something "my way" was causing the issue. So in today's scenario I would have said "of course you can, today, but remember you will have to change them when you get to school".

I found that by accepting whatever madness DS was suggesting, if it really didn't matter, he was actually more flexible when I said that we have to do it my way.

However, I did only have DS to herd, and he was ND, so I picked my battles.

This!

honestly, you’ve done nothing wrong. Kids are so difficult

My DS and DD are 19 months apart.

DS was a nightmare by day, but a dream overnight.
DD was a dream during the day, but a nightmare overnight.

For 4 years, my life was a blur. I can't remember ever getting any sleep longer than an hour at a time.

I tried to manage as best I could - but, there were definitely moments where my stress levels overspilled.

It can be a horrible stage, OP - you're really in the thick of it.
I can remember times that I definitely failed as a parent, and could have done better.

They're older teens now, and I have a brilliant relationship with both of them - so, it's definitely salvageable!

Don't be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day ❤️

I have adhd and so do my 7 year old twins. I absolutely lost my shit this evening because the kids have been bickering for weeks, and i was doing really well dealing with them until they both had a tantrum because i wouldn't buy them something and one of them decided to spit on the floor. Dc immediately knew they'd fucked up.

I went absolutely mad. Dc both said i scared them because i screamed at them, but in that moment i thought... I don't bloody care... You spat on the floor because i wouldn't buy you something because your behaviour has been awful for days and days. Deal with it. I spend too much of my time trying to avoid adhd meltdowns and i think I've gone too far the other way that i let them get away with far too much.

My brain is trying to make me feel bad for it, but honestly, 90% of the time I'm quite a gentle parent but my dc just pushed me right over that limit and i exploded.

I don't think they'll be spitting again, that's for damn sure.

By bedtime they had apologised and we hugged it out.

I don't think there's many parents who haven't lost their shit at one point or another.

I found 5 a really tough age and my dd seemed to push all my buttons at that age.

The book how to talk so your kids will listen helped a bit.

We’ve all done it, not that some would ever admit it.

The most important thing is you acknowledged and apologised. I grew up in a home where my parents never apologised for a thing in their lives. When I’m wrong, overreact or anything I’ve done I shouldn’t, I apologise especially to my children.

You can do what I do, put it on the teachers, yes I’m one of those annoying people. My DDs would swear black is white to go against anything I say, so I don’t fight it any more, if they want to put on trainers fine they can go to school in trainers and explain to their teachers why they aren’t wearing school shoes. I have taken them to school and said to teachers, Betty has decided she dosnt want to wear her uniform today as the rules don’t apply to her, if you want to send her to the HTs office or keep her in at playtime because she dosnt want to follow the school rules that’s fine with me. One of my DDs asked why I told the teachers and I said because it’s not me refusing to do what I’m told so if anyone is getting into trouble it’s not me. You will be amazed how threatening to tell teachers works too.

Honestly, don't sweat it.

Would it be better if it hadn't happened? Yes
Is she greatly affected? No
Will she think twice next time? Yes and so will you.

5 is young so she may be a little scared but as I now have a 12 year old that's causing me a similar amount of frazzle/anger/upset/desperation multiple times a day, I think it may have helped if she knew she may not like my reaction. I feel awful saying that but my mum would have just slapped me. I'd never lay hands on my baby or upset her but I really want to some days and I'm sure you will want to. It's so incredibly hard and it seems to be a secret.

Sending love. Just start again tomorrow.

You have learned from it (that you are human and have your limits, like everyone else) and she has learned from it (that actually you can push people too far).

Bloody school uniform.

Surroundedbyfools, I’m the same. When DH is trying to take a hardline (arguing with a toddler) with DS, I’m like “give him the toy” “buy him the sweets” “let him wear the wellies” etc… Him & DS will battle it out, but DS does understand in the end. I have lost my cool with DS, though. And I feel terrible when it happens, especially when he laughs in my face!

When my 2 were littler about 5 -6 i bought a adult punch bag from argos while they was at school.
When they came home and asked what it was i said its called mums anger bag lol you can use it anytime you feel angry.
Being boys they loved it so did i.
It really helped even got them little boxing gloves.
They would be letting off steam every day.
But as they got older they got into weights.
We had the angry bag for years.

You're a human being with feelings, you aren't a bad parent. Just learn from it.

Have been there and can so relate 🩷 But you're not a bad mum A) because you feel guilty b) because you apologised and accepted responsibility and c) you controlled your anger enough to direct it at an object not DD!

I literally screamed/raged at DD once as she wasn't getting her shoes on, and threw them onto the floor really hard next to her.She was sobbing and I felt awful, but school mornings are incredibly stressful especially with a little one in tow.

Learn from it to identify trigger points and find ways to reduce them, and research ways to approach things with her to try and stop her digging her heels in ('how to talk so little kids will listen' is a good book for this)
My DD is 6 nearly 7 now and it has definitely got easier the last year getting her up and out, as she is more independent and her sister is 2 now.And I am more relaxed with not stressing quite so much about timings.

But it used to be hellish so you have my sympathies!

Top Tip. If your child refuses to put school uniform on just tell her that she can wear her pyjamas or any outfit to school and she can change when she gets there. It will only happen once

Aaargh the shoes! I’d forgotten the battles over shoes, we had many and I’m sure there was yelling involved. Why don’t they just put the damn shoes on?! It sounds like you seriously need some rest - I hope you get it soon. Try to see it as a learning opportunity - think about what you’ll do next time.

Please be kind to yourself. My daughter was a completely aggravating horror and mornings were a particular flashpoint due to school uniform fights from P1 onwards - tights, seams, tucking in, ties, why is it the same as everyone else? Every single day. Most days I remained calm, assertive, moderate. But, I have screeched, threatened, walked out (to avoid inflicting injury) depressingly often. I always felt awful afterwards. I learned eventually to pick my fights and found better ways to deal with her. But it was hard and I failed a lot.

I do feel particularly guilty about the time when after finding a note in her school bag telling me my 5 year old (!) was getting a lunchtime detention I flipped out, parked the car at a large derelict victorian building and brightly told my daughter to “run on in, this is the bad girl’s home, Miss Hannigan is waiting” cue hysteria and promises of excellent behaviour for ever. Probably was a bit cruel. 😐

She’s now 16, a lovely kid who has done well so far. She’s not emotionally scarred, and knows she will not get away with crap. Still hates a uniform, but picks her fights!