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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dilemma - prioritise a house or IVF

105 replies

Mrsplant6 · 20/03/2024 17:30

DH and I have recently hit 30 and thinking about timings for TTC. We know we’ll need IVF, which we’ll need to fund privately, and of course no guarantee of success.

Currently we live in a flat we own in London which we love, but it's not exactly baby-friendly (no lift). If we were to have DC, we’d want to move to a commuter town outside London where we can afford a house/more relaxed lifestyle. Whereas, if IVF doesn’t work out, we’d likely stick around in the flat/London where our jobs and friends are.

We can’t afford to pay for everything at once and we’re grappling with whether to do IVF first, which could mean raising a baby in our current flat (not ideal but doable) until we can afford to move later down the line, or making the move first, postponing IVF for a couple of years as we save up funds again.

The dilemma is if IVF isn't successful, we could find ourselves in a family-oriented area outside London and possibly regret the move. We're torn and would appreciate some outside perspectives on which option to pursue first!

OP posts:
InTheRainOnATrain · 20/03/2024 17:57

Go for the IVF, stay in the flat. You’ll cope fine with a baby in a flat with no lift so long as you make the right choices on stuff like the pram (I did!).

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 20/03/2024 17:58

One of my friends was in a one-bedroom second floor flat for her first three babies. It's manageable, especially if you "baby-wear" rather than using a pram.

My impression is that IVF is age-sensitive, so you'd be more likely to succeed now than in a couple of years time.

Whilst I very much hope it'll be successful, would you be able to handle the "what-if"s if you delayed it and then it didn't work? I'm sorry, I know that's a painful thought.

Mrsplant6 · 20/03/2024 18:04

For those asking, we hadn’t even thought about IVF abroad to be honest. It’s definitely something we will look into, but I think our preference would be to choose a London clinic just for ease and to reduce what is already a stressful period.

OP posts:
Mrsplant6 · 20/03/2024 18:05

It’s also good to hear some success stories about raising a baby in a small flat!

OP posts:
Justbefair · 20/03/2024 18:06

I would 100pc recommend ivf first and you can work out the rest as you go along. Please believe me it can be a long road, for some it can happen first time, others 10 years or more! Start the process, as I did at your age and just continue living as you are and take it as it comes. Best of luck to you. Xx

Mryjkf · 20/03/2024 18:08

NCForQuestions · 20/03/2024 17:32

Is there a reason you won't qualify for the three IVF cycles on the NHS?

Three cycles on NHS is rare now. More like one.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/03/2024 18:12

If you don't quite feel ready for a baby now could you start the process and freeze some embryos? Your eggs will be healthier now than in a few years time.

mirror245 · 20/03/2024 18:17

Another vote for ivf first. It can be stressful and would be best in a familiar home, commute, environment etc.

Changingplace · 20/03/2024 18:19

Mrsplant6 · 20/03/2024 18:04

For those asking, we hadn’t even thought about IVF abroad to be honest. It’s definitely something we will look into, but I think our preference would be to choose a London clinic just for ease and to reduce what is already a stressful period.

Any reason why you’re not going to go for a cycle on the NHS first? If that worked you could do both things rather than assume you can only do either/or.

HanaJane · 20/03/2024 18:20

Stay put and plan move in a couple of years I would say, baby can be in a cot in your room for at least a year and if IVF isn't successful then you can build your life around staying in London

Mryjkf · 20/03/2024 18:23

Changingplace · 20/03/2024 18:19

Any reason why you’re not going to go for a cycle on the NHS first? If that worked you could do both things rather than assume you can only do either/or.

They may not qualify if the man has kids already with a previous partner or he has had a vasectomy.

Helpisso · 20/03/2024 18:27

Definitely IVF first!

Birmingbacon · 20/03/2024 18:28

Ivf first

DreadPirateRobots · 20/03/2024 18:28

No brainer. Do IVF and take it from there.

sarahsunny · 20/03/2024 18:29

Seems like a no brainer to do the IVF first?!

MuchTooTired · 20/03/2024 18:33

I’m another one for Ivf first. We did the same, Ivf first, house afterwards and it work well for us! If you’re interested in Ivf abroad, we went to invicta clinic in Poland, which worked out cheaper than completing a round in the UK even after factoring flights and stays there.

Hankunamatata · 20/03/2024 18:43

Ivf then worry about the rest

MotherOfShihTzus · 20/03/2024 18:45

More chance of success with ivf the younger you are - I'd prioritise this.

Babaquestions · 20/03/2024 18:52

Why will you need to find IVF privately? Is it because your DH already has a child? If you TTC for a year then you could have fertility treatment eg clomid and artificial insemination before IVF.

lemons44 · 20/03/2024 18:52

IVF first. I feel like I only started yesterday but I'm already a year into my IVF journey and three rounds down. It feels like the blink of an eye! IVF takes a lot more time than people realise. I second the others talking about being younger too. It makes a big difference with IVF and you are VERY fortunate to have age on your side if you go for IVF now. My clinics success rates of a live birth per transfer is 20% less for those aged 35-37 than for those aged under 35. This might not sound much but IVF is a numbers game and 20% is a lot when embryos are so precious.

@NCForQuestions sadly it's rare to get 3 NHS rounds now. This picture is a few years old but shows a bit of a picture of how it's a postcode lottery. I qualified for 2 NHS rounds but had I lived in my old house I would have got 0.

Dilemma - prioritise a house or IVF
WonderingAboutThus · 20/03/2024 19:41

Obviously IVF first. It's the only time sensitive one and the result will impact your housing preferences.

Onelifeonly · 20/03/2024 19:45

IVF first, of course. If you don't want that family home outside London UNLESS you have a baby, it makes no sense to buy it at this stage.

TheABC · 20/03/2024 19:45

IVF now. The longer you leave, the lower the chances of success. The house will still be there in 5 years time but your eggs won't be.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 20/03/2024 19:46

IVF first. But isn’t everyone eligible for some funded rounds on NHS?

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/03/2024 19:50

Not sure why you won't get at least one go on nhs unless either of you have children , smoke and won't give up or have a high bmi

I would def look abroad as much cheaper and imo better technology and freezing process's

Def ivf first as age really matters and for the first 1-2yrs can easily live in a flat

If you really feel you won't be happy in the country unless have kids no point moving till ivf works