Play date expectations

[Mryjkf]

My child has a group of close friends at school. They are starting to want play dates after school or at the weekends. I work full time until half five or six and it's too much after school. On the odd occasion we have had one particular child round, he was really ungrateful and caused an unpleasant atmosphere in the house. My child loves playing with him and wants him round again. My child has been to his house for some playdates and it is our turn to reciprocate but I just don't like the energy and rudeness the child beings here. When he's with his parents he is fine and generally polite. How do I navigate this? I've hinted to his mum before about the odd bit of rudeness but she laughs.

Whenever he is rude just end the play date.. Text his dm to collect him. And tell her why..

@Mryjkf do you go to their house with your child for their playdates and stay for the duration?

I understand this as I have two nd children (teens now) but I would say that this hypervigilence can be counterproductive as you can intervene in situations which really can be just safely ignored.

The only bit where your U is expecting your son and his friend to include your other (younger?) child. That’s what happens on play dates - your kid and their friend get to play alone and you entertain any siblings/ they play separately or with any further siblings. Or have a play date for each at the same time.

Otherwise you just tell the child off when he’s rude. Or just don’t invite him. My son’s class mates’ parents never seem to bloomin reciprocate- and you’d think if they didn’t like my son they wouldn’t accept the invitation here! So assuming it’s the parents just not wanting to.

Or do a big play date for all at the park.

Depends. I do sometimes as the mum and I get on ok but last few times I haven't.

So hard when you work full time, I have never done weekday play dates it's just too much with work. Friday straight after school occasionally if I can plan to finish early or stick to Saturdays.
If other parents invite on weekdays that's up to them really if it fits with their lives but they shouldn't expect you to reciprocate.
As for the rudeness, probably have to let it go for your child's sake, I would only tell off if actually breaking stuff or being extremely rude

You can't accept play dates and then not offer them back. THATS rudeness. The behaviour you described just sounded like cheekiness and like he was trying to make your son laugh. Your response sounds lacking in humour and uptight. Invite him round because it's rude not to and try and have a bit more of a sense of humour. If you don't like how he behaves at mealtimes just give them some oven pizza in front of the tv.

9 is a bit old for this behaviour.

I'd take him to one side and make it 100% clear that if he excludes my other child again, is rude or won't listen to my instructions he'll be going straight home.

And I'd mean it too.

OP, I can tell you love your son to bits, but I really think you can give him a little room for error.here. He's managed to form a relationship independent of you, snd that's wonderful for him. Give him a bit of space to explore the dynamics if that relationship. They'll be in your home, and you can remind your son that if he needs you you'll only be a shout away, but otherwise let him have a try at succeeding here on his own.

I know it's challenging when you're so accustomed to being there and guiding them. Maybe set up.a baby monitor in the play room? That way, you can check in remotely and make sure your son is feeling all right throughout.

I think it’s rude but lots seem to do it!

Okay, so then previous poster is right and your son’s diagnosis is irrelevant.

He is not completely reliant on you for guidance in social situations & managing his emotions because as you’ve said yourself there, he is quite capable of doing those things himself with this friend at play dates you are not present for.

If you aren’t convinced it’s a positive dynamic then I don’t believe you would be allowing your child to go on play dates to their house completely unsupervised either.

Thanks for the opinions. They are appreciated. I have had a conversation with the mum and said I find it hard to reciprocate mid week as I work full time. I have offered some upcoming dates but with her present. I may just give it one last go without her, taking on board the comments and see what happens. I struggle socially also so it probably explains some of myle being upright. I am definitely not rude though and that was part of my reason for posting.

I think there’s a few things here.

1. you shouldn’t be hovering as such.
2. siblings are kept away unless invited by the children to play
3. don’t feed messy foods it’s meant to be fun so chicken nuggets/pizza and chips won’t harm anyone

You need to get the sibling to have a friend over at the same time so balance out, throw outside into the garden if good enough or off into the play room.

The dinner table bit sounds very rude.

Some child, I think, get wind of the fact that other people’s parents can’t really give them any consequences, or ones they’d mind. So they play up because they know they can. Other (more thoughtful) children of course behave because they know it’s the right thing to do.

Sometimes I find behaviour is worse with kids whose parents are overly strict - so they play up the minute they’re away from them as the only reason they’ve ever been given to behave is consequences. No understanding of it being the right thing to do.

I do do some favours, like drop off and pick up either once or twice a week as the mum works shifts. So it's not like there's no reciprocating at all.

They’re too old to be forcing the sibling into the mix, and it’s not a reasonable expectation.

I haven't at any point say that I force any younger siblings on their playdates. The child in question will deliberately exclude. I'm not there trying to make them all play happily!

Could you take them to the park or to an activity, instead of staying at home? That might make it more manageable.

I have really taken on board people's opinions so thank you. It's a tricky one and I know I am not blameless. But I struggle socially and I high expectations in terms of manners. That doesn't make me a bad person. I'll try again in the future and see how it goes.

Park at weekend

Neutral territory

That way you leave when you want

It's coming into the summertime.

Just suggest going to the park as a group at the weekends rather than playdates

And also try and arrange a separate playdate for your younger child. It frequently works out better when siblings are not there

What age are they? How exactly does a child make you feel like a stranger in your own home? You are the adult and it's up to you to set the boundaries for behaviour in your home - for instance, saying we sit nicely and eat at the table here or we don't speak rudely to each other in this house. If they're old enough, send them off to play upstairs or in the garden so you can get a bit of peace!

If you realise this then own it and force yourself to fight against it. Your child has done fine forming this friendship without, he'll do fine with you in another room whilst he plays with this boy. You do definitely need to unclench quite a bit, sorry. But it's good you recognise this anyway.

That behaviour and cheekiness would set my teeth on edge, I would vow to never let that child darken my doorstep again. Once I read about that I completely revised my opinion of the situation. I think if you are giving lifts and they have a big house and only one child it would be fine for them to mainly play there and come to yours occasionally and ideally in good weather so they can play outside. Or take them to the park.