Play date expectations

[Mryjkf]

My child has a group of close friends at school. They are starting to want play dates after school or at the weekends. I work full time until half five or six and it's too much after school. On the odd occasion we have had one particular child round, he was really ungrateful and caused an unpleasant atmosphere in the house. My child loves playing with him and wants him round again. My child has been to his house for some playdates and it is our turn to reciprocate but I just don't like the energy and rudeness the child beings here. When he's with his parents he is fine and generally polite. How do I navigate this? I've hinted to his mum before about the odd bit of rudeness but she laughs.

I've offered to reciprocate with the mum invited. We don't have a big house either so its hard to escape.

At that age they need to be off playing in your sons room or outside. Not in the living room and not with siblings. You keep the sibling occupied and provide the other 2 with snacks etc whilst they go off and play/game whatever it is. Almost 9 year olds don't want to do puzzles with younger siblings.

He sounds cocky. I would either not have him again. Or if your son is really desperate to have him over he can come for 2 hours. No food and play in his room. Any rudeness or misbehaviour I would give one warning. Pack that in or I’ll call your mum. If he carried on I’d ring his mum and say sorry you’ll need to pick him up as his behaviour isn’t acceptable

Oh right. Just saw your update. Pillow fights and excluding siblings, normal. But his behaviour at the table is goady and sly, he'd be sent home on the spot for that and not allowed back.. Awful.

I wouldn’t be suggesting a puzzle or crafts to a 9 year old through. Chuck them in the garden with a football. I don’t think I’d have got involved in a play date at that age. Other than if they were doing something dangerous.

You do sound a bit uptight. I think you need to chill out a bit. Little boys are generally a bit hyper and over excited especially at playdates.

Almost 9?! I thought you were talking about a 4 year old.

9 year olds here get told not to be rude and are expected to play nicely with little adult interaction. No puzzles on the kitchen table, send them outside with a football.

I can do hyper. I don't like rudeness or poor manners. I think there's a difference.

Doesn't sound like it really, just sounds a bit over excited.

Yes, I thought this was a Reception age child. DS is 11. They just come around and play and look after them. DH or I feed them at some point. They seem quite nice, but I can’t say I take a whole lot of notice.

I disagree I'm afraid. You can be excited and still be respectful in someone else's house.

I think you’re getting over involved in the play date. Maybe that is why he is pushing back? If you don’t see him he can’t be rude. So he comes back to your house. They wander off to play in bedroom/garden. You give them food and leave them to it. That’s what I did!

If anything in the house is trashed they don’t come back. That was my rule.

Our house is not big so I think that's why it feels like we're all stuck together. His bedroom is very small also.

I agree on over involvement. Probably because of the layout of the house. They charge about like it's a big warehouse! It's really not.

You must have different rooms? I wouldn’t be hanging out in the same room as my 9 year old son and his friend.

Can they charge around outside? Boys can be boisterous together.

I'd never expect a 9yo to a) play with sibling b) do a craft or puzzle or c) eat with the family. At that age, my son and his friends were either in his room, outside in the garden shooting Nerfs or playing football, and I'd chuck a pizza at them when they were hungry.

I suspect he found you a bit omnipresent and was rebelling.

Yeah I have to say I think the problem is you’re too involved in the “play date”. At 9 years old they can go into a bedroom or playroom, close the door and let them crack on. Deliver some snacks/a pizza or something to them to eat. You just spend time with sibling. A play date at 9 really should be no massive hassle for you at all.

As the weather gets warmer as well it’s even easier, out into the garden to play, deliver food and snacks, then home after!

So just let them, focus on the sibling and let them run riot elsewhere. Tell them just to come to you if they need something otherwise you'll see them later.

We do have a small kids room. The child is an only child and literally has a massive house to play in. Guess he thinks that's how it works here.

He doesn't sound like the most pleasant child, but I think you might be putting too much pressure on a play date to be a positive experience for the whole family.

It's normal at this age to not include a friend's sibling. He isn't there to play with the sibling, or to do crafts with his friend's mum, or anything like that. Maybe at 4, but not at 9. And you don't need to work so hard. Let them run around in the garden with a ball or play in your child's room with his toys. If the play date falls over a meal time, give them sandwiches and veggie sticks separately from the rest of the family and generally leave them be. They'll entertain themselves just fine.

My son is almost 9 and has ASD so is quite young in his ways. Not deliberately drip feeding.

That’s your solution then, “crack on and play whatever games you like- in here, or in the garden”.

Your whole family shouldn’t be involved in these playdates, it’s just for your son and his friend so keep it that way and keep it contained. Pizza through the door when they get hungry and other than that just pop your feet up in the other room.

I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. He has a friend. He wants to play with his friend. That's a positive, age-appropriate experience. It's good and healthy for him to have it.

It's relevant because my son is reliant on me still for guidance in social situations and managing his emotions. He has a friend and that is fab, but I'm not overly convinced about how positive the dynamics are between them.