WWYD?

[merlinthegreatt]

This is not really AIBU but posted here for traffic.

I moved away from our home town a couple of years ago. I was (very) uncertain at the time as to whether I was doing the right thing - but nevertheless I went ahead and committed to the move

Two years down the line, we are still here. It's been an emotional journey and I have regretted my choice to move every day and tormented myself mentally . I have reached a point very recently where I think I am getting into a more positive head space for the following reasons:

• I appreciate and value the area for my children to grow up in . It's a lovely place
• I love the school and how we can walk there and everyone knows everyone (it's a village!)
• it's very pretty and picturesque and there are some beautiful walks and places of interest.
• I have made quite a connection with local people now - school mums and people in the community and I do feel like I am one of them now

However, I do not know if I am "happy" here for myself. I miss home still and hate that I get questioned "are we nearly there yet" at every drive back. It breaks my heart that we aren't close to my mum anymore (an hour away) and we rarely see her as much as we used to. It utterly breaks my heart and I worry and panic that I am not on hand for her when she gets older and needs my help. I also miss my friends from home as I never really see them anymore - our lives are so busy and whilst an hour isn't far it is significant when you have school runs and work to sort during the week.

We havent done anything to the house as I can't bare to spend money on it. But very recently I have made the decision to do up one room and see how that makes me feel. I am very sentimental and if I can feel like this is our house and our home maybe I'll be more inclined to stay.

How long does it take to settle? I would be heartbroken to change schools and risk bullying or not fitting in as "the new child". (I'm receptions at the moment )

WWYD? How long do I leave things?

Just move back. I moved away from my home town 18 years ago. I wish I hadn’t. Wish I’d moved back when kids were young but now they have their own lives and I can’t move them away from here. If I had a time machine and could go back 16 years I’d go home.

Moving schools is no problem for most kids at reception age, if you’re going to do it it’s better to do it now than in a few years. It sounds like you want to move back to your home town. It will be more important to your DC to be with their grandmother and feel part of the community with your friends and their kids rather than living in a pretty village with picturesque walks.

If you haven't settled in 2 years then it's unlikely you will - I'd move.

Life is too short to be so unhappy!

I’ve struggled at times with this, wanting to move back to where I grew up, but I know that where I live now is the best place to bring my kids up. I live in a village, my kids go to an excellent school, the high schools are far better here, there’s a Uni close by so they don’t have to leave home if they don’t want, better/bigger hospital. My kids would have a very different upbringing where I’m from, and it’s only 30 minutes away.
Ive decided that I am prepared to give up what I want so that they have better.

Lean into the idea, research what house you could afford, what schools (are there even spaces) , commuting time if relevant . Plan it before you go for it so you can visualise your new life there and not make it just a fantasy life . But an hour is not much and maybe you need to go back more often too

If for 2 years you've been beating yourself up for it everyday and tormenting yourself, is there a chance you've not given yourself the opportunity to be happy there?

Why did you move originally? Was it for the nice area? A job? Is your husband (guessing from the "we") happy there? Are the kids? Would moving back mean a change in lifestyle? Would they be happy to move back?

Honestly I think 2 years would be a good amount of time to give things a go, but it doesn't sound like you've actually given things a go - it sounds like you've given yourself a horrendous time of it mentally! Definitely do up one room and see how it makes you feel 😊 change can be hard. I'd think about the reasons behind moving back, especially if it's based around friends + family. 2 years is may be on the side where you'll be able to slip back into old routines, but bare in mind other people could have moved on / changed routine and you might not just be able to slip back into the old friendships you're thinking wistfully of.

Thanks for all your really helpful replies. They have been really nice to read

In answer to someone's question about spending more time visiting "home", and going back- this is something I do very regularly and it is quite frankly , exhausting! lol we go home most weekends and spend the time either sleeping over a grandparents house or going back for the day and rushing about the entire time seeing people. We split ourselves to see the people we want to- friends and family !
My husband doesn't mind this and doesn't see it as a chore or anything he can't manage .

Work wise - we could move back as we both work from home most of the week. So this wouldn't be an issue I don't think.

For me (and my husband) the biggest thing is the moving school situation. If we didn't have that to contend with I would be far more level headed about moving back. Having to consider the well being of little ones is a huge weight on my shoulders . I appreciate what someone said about moving back now as it only gets harder - this is so true and something I need to really bare in mind as I don't want to see it as an impossible task right now but then years down the line realise actually it would have been possible

You could try stopping rushing back 'home'. It means that you can't connect with where you are and enjoy it. An hour isn't that bad. Maybe go every other week and see just one person, mum, friend, whoever. Call or facetime the others. If you keep going back you can't connect with where you are.
Maybe take a month of going back and see how much you miss it really. Is your husband happy where you are? Are your children? Friends have a disconcerting habit of moving/changing lifestyles. I lived for a few years in a town in Cornwall. Every single person I knew there has moved away for various reasons. The world doesn't stay in stasis.

I agree with others that you may be giving yourself a mental block with settling into your new home. School and your children’s happiness where they are is very important. We moved area and school when my twins were in reception and they found it extremely difficult. Everyone said they would be super adaptable but really, they weren’t. It was well over a year of stress and unhappiness for everyone and it undoubtedly affected their education and confidence. They are OK now but we have to move school again as the first wasn’t right for them.

Ironically, we moved for the kids in the first place, because the secondary schools in our original area were very problematic (not ‘bad’ schools, another issue).

@Didimum this sounds very familiar to our situation. We moved at preschool age so that we could settle straight into reception with no fear of needing to move ! I didn't dream that I would feel like this now !! It is incredibly ironic ! This is why I am finding the decision so hard , as I cannot bear the thought of starting again in a new school and running the risk that it's not the right fit or we miss the old school desperately. I love the school right now and I don't feel like we would get better elsewhere . I just wish we hadn't decided to move in the first place

How far away from your hometown are you now? And how far away from your Mum would you be if you move back to your hometown - I take it your Mum isn’t in your hometown?

@wordler I am an hour away from our hometown. My mum is in my hometown and we did previously live a short walk from one another

Where did you move from, town/city?

My BF moved right into the countryside when here’s were all small. All lovely, great school. However she came back after 2 years. Some of it was to do with geography of the area, bad winters, no shops. But also that she thought people would come to see her all the time, but it was 90 minutes so basically a day trip with kids. So she came back all the time. Said her life never fully moved over.

Also hers were a mix of ages and the realisation the older ones were going to have to bus to secondary, and the lack of opportunities for them where they were. Once in secondary a few of them have gotten into sports at a very high level which wouldn’t have happened, one into a theatre group near the house, she wouldn’t be able to transport them around even with working. She said the fact they could have jobs/independence where she is now is why she is glad.
She plans do actually move again once they’ve all gone.

Ah okay - I think I may have been slightly corrupted by living in the USA for the last 15 years because it didn’t really seem like one hour was a ‘are we nearly there yet’ kind of journey!

My DH commutes to work - 2 hours each way, four days a week!

But what I’d do in your situation is stop travelling back every weekend - try to cut it down to once a month for a couple of months.

During this time - spend the weekends doing up the house, doing fun things locally, going out with a local friend or school mum, having some local play dates.

Get your Mum and others to come to you once a month.

Doing up the house is important - it might make you feel happier where you are and if not then the bonus is you have done it up ready to sell and go back to home town.

Why did you move in the first place? Are those reasons still valid?

It's too long to be unhappy..

I'm moving home as soon as possible. I've lived where h wanted to for decades and it was okay. But now I'm done.

Good luck.

It’s a tough one. No one can really tell you what you should do or how your kids will react or what a new school would be like. You’d be acting on faith. And most people you would ask will have had their opinion coloured by one experience or another.

What I would likely do is start to thoroughly research homes and schools. Are there even spaces at the schools in your hometown? (There weren’t in our new area and we had to send them a little further afield). Make a pro/con list and then sit on it for a few months.

It sounds like you really dont want to be there so just move back. However, I really dont understand the 'running around comment when you're only 1 hour away. My commute to work is nearly that and I manage to fit in a full days work inbetween!

@Ilikewinter I appreciate it is only an hour but that hour does feel very challenging for the lifestyle we were used to. I would se friends and family of an evening or make last minute plans during the week and weekends when we were just around the corner. And even if we didn't see anyone , just knowing people are round the corner is somehow very comforting.
When I say "running around", I'll give the example of this weekend - I feel like I have to race down to see my mum and family as I haven't seen them in over a week , but also I need to get my food shopping done and washing and general chores along with chilling out snd "just being present" in the mkment here. I have a constant battle in my head that I must rush over there at every spare moment I have and then I put myself back with my own chores and my own peace of mind.

So yes, it is only one hour, but as I am used to being so close to everyone , I am trying to recreate that and it's just not possible

@NuffSaidSam the reasons are no longer valid really . The only issue now is the school. If it was just me and my other half, I would move back in a heart beat. But now we have schools to contend with I just fear the uprooting.

You need to stop going back every weekend and immerse yourself in the place where you are. You'll never feel part of it if you don't go around the community.

Once a month would do fine OP, honestly. If your Mum wants to see more of you, she needs to come to see you.

Are there spaces in the school that you’d want dc to go to if you did move back?

That would be a key part of my decision making

@Muchtoomuchtodo I did get the council to send me a list of all the schools with spaces available. Trouble is, I do not know much about the schools as I haven't looked round any of them. If we got to the point where moving back was on the cards, I would visit the ones with spaces

@AuntyMabelandPippin I feel SO guilty though as she hates driving. I feel so guilty for moving away from her :(

We've been here twenty five years this year and, although we had no choice but to move, I hate it with a passion. I miss my old life and I miss the life I had. BUT, it isn't there anymore so I can't go back home. It's an odd feeling.
Would you really be happy and able to step back into what you had before you moved? It won't be the same as it was before.
I'm almost two hours from my parents and I worried at first about them but we were only ten minutes from them until ten years ago when they chose to move away. We only chose this area in the beginning to be helpfully close to them and we weren't needed. We could have gone anywhere. Twenty five years wasted in a shit hole town in the arse end of nowhere where nothing feels right? Don't waste your life like I have mine.