WWYD?

[merlinthegreatt]

This is not really AIBU but posted here for traffic.

I moved away from our home town a couple of years ago. I was (very) uncertain at the time as to whether I was doing the right thing - but nevertheless I went ahead and committed to the move

Two years down the line, we are still here. It's been an emotional journey and I have regretted my choice to move every day and tormented myself mentally . I have reached a point very recently where I think I am getting into a more positive head space for the following reasons:

• I appreciate and value the area for my children to grow up in . It's a lovely place
• I love the school and how we can walk there and everyone knows everyone (it's a village!)
• it's very pretty and picturesque and there are some beautiful walks and places of interest.
• I have made quite a connection with local people now - school mums and people in the community and I do feel like I am one of them now

However, I do not know if I am "happy" here for myself. I miss home still and hate that I get questioned "are we nearly there yet" at every drive back. It breaks my heart that we aren't close to my mum anymore (an hour away) and we rarely see her as much as we used to. It utterly breaks my heart and I worry and panic that I am not on hand for her when she gets older and needs my help. I also miss my friends from home as I never really see them anymore - our lives are so busy and whilst an hour isn't far it is significant when you have school runs and work to sort during the week.

We havent done anything to the house as I can't bare to spend money on it. But very recently I have made the decision to do up one room and see how that makes me feel. I am very sentimental and if I can feel like this is our house and our home maybe I'll be more inclined to stay.

How long does it take to settle? I would be heartbroken to change schools and risk bullying or not fitting in as "the new child". (I'm receptions at the moment )

WWYD? How long do I leave things?

@Youdontknowmedoyou I'm sorry to read this, what's stopping you from moving back? I appreciate time has moved on in 25 years, but would you move back for the familiarity or would you / could you move elsewhere ?

I agree.

@MsFaversham do you think it will help if I immerse myself here?
I have such crippling guilt for leaving my mum and she doesn't enjoy the drive over here so I feel like I have to be the one to always go back so often

Why on earth do you not see your old friends? You’ve got lots of excuses and guilt but you need to be more proactive.

Is there a compromise you can make? Even switch to every two weeks. I couldn’t be spending every weekend driving to see family and having to do all the household stuff as well. You sound exhausted from doing it.Do the children get a chance to have play dates and go to parties with their friends from school if you are always in your home town?

Perhaps have a realistic chat with your mum. Can she get a train to somewhere a bit closer where you can pick her up or a bus? Does she realise how it is impacting you?

@BitOutOfPractice lol have you not read my post about how often I go back to visit my old friends!!!

And, while I get the home nostalgia (I’ve loved 150 miles away from where I grew up for 35 years), I know that there’s a reason I moved away. And that It’s not like I remember

OP with all due respect, you have to look at your own life and your own family unit (your husband and your kids). Why do you feel guilty for “leaving” your mum? Are you expected to live near her at all times? As others have said, you need to make an effort to immerse yourself in your new life and give it a chance. It sounds like you have not done that and you rush home every chance you get. The happiness of your husband and your kids depends on how close you love to your mum? I get what you say about fiends living around the corner and being able to make plans on weekdays, but have you tried doing that in your current area, with your new friends? Maybe if you stop rushing back every weekend, you will have a chance of creating a similar network of friends.

@MsFaversham - thank you for your comments , in terms of the children , they are very happy here and I have put loads of effort into settling them in the community. We have friends we go to visit in the village and we always attend every party invite. I am very much part of the school community as are the children - that is what I always wanted for them.

I think it's probably more how it all "feels" in my head - I am forming a community here which is fantastic , but I cannot let go of also still trying to be a local in my home town , which is why I feel so pulled in two directions and it is exhausting.
I do still see my old friends , and if I'm completely honest, I probably see most of them as much as I did when I was at home , but it feels less now because I do not have the ability to pop round like I did have. Though that "popping round" thing wouldn't be a frequent thing , so I do believe it's all how it just feels in my head

@merlinthegreatt yes and I also read that you rarely see your old friends. So yeah 🤷‍♀️🙄

Why don’t you invite them over to you? It sounds as if you are doing all the accommodating in keeping up with everyone. Is anyone making an effort to make things easier for you?

In your situation I would move back and do it soon.

We moved back to our hometown last year as we wanted to be closer to family and friends.

Kids were 10, 7 and 6 at the time. 10 year old has additional needs and wasn't going to be changing schools but the the younger 2 changed schools. We were so nervous as their previous school was excellent. We're not in UK so classes slightly different but they moved after senior infants and 1st class (their 2nd and 3rd year of school respectively). They've both settled really well. The 7 year old took a little longer but the 6 year old slotted in so easily. He's done almost a year in the new school and he literally can barely remember going to his previous school. My 7 year old has made good friends in school who she's still in touch with now which made it a little harder for her to settle.

So basically what I'm saying is the younger you move them the better.

It reads like you just want to be within walking distance of your mum again. If that’s what you want, you’re never going to be happy in the new place. The kids will adjust quicker than you will x

You sound very unhappy. I think you need to explore moving back.

You feel guilt and miss your mum. You miss your friends. You are trying to sustain you old life and have a new one it will push you to breaking point

You are doing all the fun things away from your home. So you are associating weekend and leisure time with "back home".

This means your new house is purely that, a house to work and do school from.

I don't think it healthy for you children as my mum did this- all the fun memories and treats were when we went to my grandmas in the home town. We never did anything fun at home.

You have three option

1. Carry on as now
2. Move back
3. Try and move psychologically as well as physically into your new home

From the tone of you post I think you should move back. You don't sound like you want to adjust.

You don't have to put yourself through this anymore though it fine to move back.

My parents live 15 mins away and I don't see them every weekend. I only ever see them in an evening if they come over to babysit for something specific. Although they are together and my brother is near too, so it's not all on me. Do you actually miss seeing them loads, is it just a routine for you now, or is it guilt based? If you genuinely miss it, I don't think it would be that big a deal to move your child, especially if there are local schools with spaces.

Maybe you could spend the summer leaning in to where you live now: go to local events at the weekend, visit your mum every other weekend instead of every weekend, invite local friends round for a BBQ, just chill in your garden etc and see how you feel. If on balance you really miss 'home' then consider going back.

I think I am trying to kid myself that I can still maintain my old life and now I am realising I cannot.

I haven't gone back this weekend - I was planning how I could squeeze a visit in at the start of the weekend , but I've come to the conclusion that I can't. I was back 2 weeks ago and I just can't do it again as we have a birthday party to go to, food shopping to do and also I just need the opportunity to be at peace here. The children need to be at home and not dragged back to our former home all the time.

I think I'll need marriage counselling with my husband going forward which also fills be with guilt and anxiety. I never thought we would be that couple to admit that as we have always been so close and able to communicate so well. I don't fear we won't get through this as we have such a solid foundation but I am being practical in that we do need to admit that this has caused us worries and difficulties between us. I don't know where to begin with that, so any recommendations on good relationship counsellors would be great! Is it as effective online over video call or would we need to go somewhere in person? Anyone with experience in this I would love to hear from!

@BendingSpoons - it is a mixture of genuinely missing everyone in my old life. But there is also massive guilt there too as I'm not round the corner and on hand for my mum. Of course I wish I could see her more - that she could pop over in the week or just casually drop in whenever she wanted.
I feel like I have to make myself available for her still and it's just hard work being an hour away.
When I was around the corner I never felt bad if I hadn't seen her for a while because I knew we could see each other when we

You will never settle somewhere unless you are fully committed to doing so and that means going all in and making your new house a home by furnishing and decorating it to your style and joining in and making friendships as though you are there for ever. Otherwise you are just hovering in limbo. If you really are not prepared to do this then this is not the place for you and my advice would be to crack on now while the kids are v young and move back. The further up school they get the more disruptive it is for then to move.

Could you go and get her and she could stay at yours for the weekend sometimes?
What's public transport like?

Did you really even move away from her though?
It's an hour's drive. I'm not trying to be mean to you or belittle you but some people commute an hour to work and back every day.
Being a little more remote and having to drive more is just the price you pay for living in a village. I get your used to a different lifestyle but surely you knew moving rurally would mean a lifestyle adjustment?
I think given all the pros you've listed,I'd five it another year at least to get used to it x

I might have missed something, but I am really not getting a sense of why you moved away? Reflecting on that and whether it has achieved what you wanted might be helpful.

Why did you move to the new location in the first place? I think that's key to understanding the whole predicament really.

I don't know op. It's sounds like you do need to cut the strings as you are an adult with your own family. Your kids are settled and it seems like other than you, everyone has adapted and fine. It's a bit selfish to uproot everyone just because you want to be with your mum. An hour is nothing at all. Why do you need to 'rush' down to see them over weekends?

Op this sounds extremely unhealthy. Why do you feel such guilt that you need to stick to your mum at the expense of your primary family. It's natural for children to grow up, have families, move on or far away. You keep mentioning old friends too and seem to be stuck in that frame of mind. Would you be happy for your own kids to never explore, take up any opportunities anywhere, have their own families if they need to move away from you.

You still haven't said why you moved.

I also agree form your tone and language its unhealthy and extreme reaction.