AIBU for getting sick of friends baby voice?

[Itsmekate]

Name changed as this is outing.

My friend of many years has always been quirky and that’s why I love her, she’s over 40 but still has a silly side and is very reluctant to grow up! Even her children get embarrassed sometimes at her immature behaviour but she just doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.

Some examples of her behaviour are: skipping round supermarkets singing, wearing very bright clothing often covered in glitter and unicorns, finding it funny to fart in meetings and blame someone else, giving people silly nicknames, playing practical jokes etc…
Her teenagers love her to bits but often have to tell her to grow up and remind her that she has friends her own age when she wants to join them when they go out of friends visit the house.

I know this makes her sound like a nightmare but she’s an amazing friend in every other way and puts everyone before herself, other then these quirky behaviours she’s loyal, great company, reliable and trustworthy. She’s had a lot of tragedy in her life which I think has caused her to regress and why I worry I’m being unreasonable.

Recently she’s started talking in a baby voice and changing her words to childish ones, she’ll say things like here come the nee naws, I got an ouchie, I need to go do a wee wee, my wanna do it, and in a whiney voice “that’s minnnnne” or “I don’t wanna gooooo”
She had to go to an important meeting and asked me to go as support but I had to tell her to get a grip when she span on a swivel chair saying “wheee watch me!”

I have mentioned this a few times and she gets defensive and says it’s just a bit of fun, her children are older teens but she copies things her young nieces and nephews say.
Her children have begged her not to do this and my partner refuses to go out with us after she was behaving like this in public. Her parents have told her to grow up and she just laughs and calls anyone who criticises boring, the more people comment the worse it gets.

I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous and people will think I’m making it up, but it’s actually getting ridiculous because I’m starting to hate spending time with her, I feel terrible saying I’m embarrassed by my friend but an adult skipping round Tesco wearing a unicorn backpack and singing silly made up rhymes just attracts attention and I hate people staring at her and judging her, it makes me feel protective as well as embarrassed.

WIBU if I tell her that people don’t see her as this young fun person she thinks she is and that it’s making me cringe or should I just hope she’ll eventually either take on board what people are saying and hope it passes? If it’s making her feel better about growing older then should I be interfering? She’s not hurting anyone and doesn’t do it all the time - but it is becoming more frequent and I’m scared it’ll become an ingrained habit.

If anyone asks her age or date or birth she tells them she’s 18 and even if it’s being asked for an important reason (like a hospital appointment) she refuses to back down until they just go along with it. I think most people are humouring her assuming she’s mentally ill and I don’t feel that’s the case. I think she’s just recently turned 40 and completely in denial but I’m hoping as she gets used to it the behaviour will stop.

I wondered if anyone else knows someone like this and how they handled it? I don’t want to lose my friend but it’s difficult having a serious conversation with someone who answers serious questions like “did you get your car fixed?” With
“No brum brum is still poorly and has to go to car hospikal”
Its getting increasingly difficult not to get frustrated and angry.

She has no husband or partner because she wanted to wait until her children were grown up and moved out so they never had a step dad they didn’t like or a blended family. This is an example of the selfless person she is, her children’s father has seen this side of her but just says it’s nothing to do with him and it’s not causing any harm to the kids and she’s just a bit batty.

That's a great update, well done OP!

Look up (the terribly named but very real disorder) Histrionic Personality Disorder. It's basically medical level attention seeking. I know someone who definitely has this but has been misdiagnosed from childhood with bipolar disorder. It's excruciating being around her, particularly as the real her is very intelligent and interesting but she can't help but ramp up the inappropriate wacky shit as loudly as possible. I avoid her at all costs as a result as I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and it is all an act.

Really glad you were able to have this chat with your friend (who you clearly love and value) and that the outcome was positive.

I was aghast reading all the suggestions that she was experiencing everything from psychosis to dementia when it seemed (to me at least, as a MH professional) that she was - as she put it - being 'a bit of a dickhead'.

There is no rulebook for how to grow up and navigate different life stages, and it seems like she's put the needs of her family first for a long time and is now desperate to catch up on having some fun, but doesn't quite know how to do this. I wonder if her creative, performative side might find an outlet in cosplay/ amateur dramatics/ LARP or similar - activities where you get to dress up and pretend but then go back to 'normal' afterwards?

Anyway, I'm glad she's got a good friend in you who was able to have a difficult conversation without feeling the need to cut her off or dump her.

I think this is probably a mental health problem. It sounds like it might be hypomania. It’s normal that she would still be able to function and retain some level of control. Remember these things are spectrum, not everybody behaves the same. The problem might not be that she is unable to control her behaviour, but rather she doesn’t have the insight to know when she needs to rein it in especially if others have been encouraging her.

I think you should encourage her to see a GP so she can get a referral.

oh my god.

i used to act like this and it was because i was having a mental health crisis, now i look back i feel physically ill at the thought of me acting that way.

i would be firm with her and tell her in no uncertain terms it’s annoying, but please be kind if you can. she’s probably going to be extremely embarrassed soon.

My sister's personality changed dramatically when she was in her 40s, we now know it was the very very early stage of dementia. Someone needs to take your fried to see her G.P

That’s a great update, OP, both because you were upfront, and she clearly took it on board enough to check with other people and was honest enough to apologise.

But I think the people who were insistent that it was a symptom of mental illness or distress should read your update very carefully. From what you said she said, it’s clear she thought she was charming or disarming other people with this childish behaviour — that was her conscious intention. She was somehow oblivious to the way in which it was actually received by other people. When she asked and discovered it was irritating rather than charming them, she’s resolved to stop. No illness, just a chosen persona she’s now (one hopes) dropping.

I'd be asking her outright if she sees herself as one of those people that call themselves adult babies. It definitely sounds like it. 🤮

She sounds like a classic attention seeker to me – even if you fall out with her over not stopping the behaviour, she'll get tons of attention from the drama.

It's a bit sad, but not mentally ill I wouldn't say. She's doing it to make people notice her

I was going to say something very similar . It sounds like a regressive type thing where she emotionally hasn’t moved on from a certain point. This could be an arrested development type issue but it also struck me - especially if worsening - as a cry for attention and nurturing, an attempt to be seen as cutesy and in need of protection.

I don’t agree with the posters saying get rid; that’s not what friends do and it sounds as though she is your friend, albeit sometimes a cringey one. I think I would sit her down and say how much you value her friendship but have noticed this aspect of her behaviour is increasing and actually ask her why she thinks she does it. Her dcs have already said things about if being embarrassing so it’s not as if you would be springing an unknown opinion on her. I think she’s really struggling to avoid adult reality: just ask her and say you want to support her with whatever it is, but that this behaviour isn’t going to assist .

Btw there is nothing I hate more than a fart deflector. Unless it’s blaming the dog, which is normal.

Oops sorry OP hadn’t got to your update! Was responding when I got to a poster I agreed with .

I see you did what I was suggesting anyway which was just talk to her and ask about it . I’m glad it went well . FWIW I’m no professional but I suspect it’s just an attention seeking ( possibly for nurture etc) or reality-avoiding type behaviour that she can actually control and hopefully your words will have got through to her. But what’s with the loud farting! I at first assumed she accidentally let one slip then deflected , not a teenage trump and guffaw. That is FOUL and needs special mention next time you touch in the topic. I’ve even known relationships to break because one of them farted too early in the relationship (I genuinely believe there is a point before which a relationship can’t handle it).

I think your giant hoodie example is a little unfair. 'Oodies' were/are a trend since they first came out and to be fair, they do look comfortable! A lot of people have them to save on heating bills. That's nothing to do with being immature and it's pretty unfair to associate wearing something that keeps you warm as being immature!

@Callimanco It's also absolutely zero to do with being ND ffs! 🙄

You’re a really good friend OP. Sounds like she’s a reasonable person too.

@Itsmekate Great update but I have to say that your DH sounds very uptight. I mean, I have decorum and self decency so I don't go round farting freely in front of people but to be 'absolutely disgusted' is just bizarre behaviour. How did he react when/if you gave birth?

I met a woman like this at a baby group, dressed in weird baby style clothes with unicorns and glitter and peculiar make up and talking in a baby voice. She didn’t have a child with her but she seemed to be helping, making coffee and putting out chairs etc. I assumed she was mentally il/special needs l and was doing my best ‘being kind’ to her, when we left my friend told me she runs her own business and is not mentally ill or special needs, just a bit odd.

Personally I wouldn’t want people to assume I was mentally ill or special needs and I wouldn’t expect my friends to hang around with me and die of second hand embarrassment if I did!

If a man was farting in my vicinity during a work meeting and then joking and laughing about it I would report it to HR.

Yes the farting is going way too far. Not sure I’d find the baby talk fun.

Have to confess I like a swivel chair myself and make excuses at the hairdresser to swivel …

I think you handled the conversation very well. Here's hoping she takes it on board. I hope you mentioned the farting in public as well. Its disgusting and nobody wants to sit in a room smelling someone else's arse.
It's mildly amusing from teenage boys, but grown adult women? Absolutely not

I’m going to come at this from the angle of a mental health professional and give my professional opinion rather than my personal one.

I wouldn’t stop seeing her. I would limit the amount of time I am spending with her and ensure that time is spent productively - encourage her to seek out a psychiatric review. There are a number of mental health conditions that could lead to this “airy fairy” type behaviour if not addressed appropriately.

she needs to go to her GP and request a referral to the psychiatric services in your area. If she is unwilling to do this and you believe her behaviour is causing harm to her or others (in terms of putting her career at risk, risking her personal relationships with others etc), you can contact her GP or your local community mental health centre to speak to the community psychiatric nurse who may be able to arrange an assessment without her consent.

to me, it sounds as though she has undergone so much trauma that she has regressed to a point that even she doesn’t realise what she is doing. It may be a case that she’s just trying to relive her childhood on her own terms, or it may have a deeper psychological meaning (think dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder).

is your friend able to be serious at all? Does she have moments where she is back to her usual self? How is her memory and cognition otherwise? How is her personal hygiene?

OP said she can be serious if OP is discussing her own issues etc with her.

To me it sounds like there is a mental/brain issue that needs to be looked at asap by a health professional. Please take her to the doctors and take it from there. No one in their right mind behaves like that in a business meeting ever.

Your friend definitely has a mental condition. She cannot stop herself. It's a shame as she doesn't mean any harm. I think you may be stuck with it.

This sounds like a manifestation of a neuro-atypical person. You say she is a good friend. If you can, just accept her for who she is.