to give my kids so many lifts for this reason?

[JohnAndYoko]

Two teenage kids. Both quite up and down emotionally. Both good kids who sometimes struggle. Quite capable of getting buses/walking to most places they go.

Anyway - I give them quite a lot of lifts in the car. Sometimes to make their lives a bit easier and give them some breathing space. But most often because it's in the car that they TALK to me properly. Something about it makes them open up. And it's not because I/they don't have other opportunities to talk. There are lots. But somehow, the best times are in the car.

DH says I need to stop it, and they should only ever have lifts in very unusual circumstances. But I can't/don't want to do this.

So I continue to pollute the environment and spend unnecessary cash on fuel to keep them communicating with me more frequently/openly during what are basically quite hard times.

AIBU?

I feel you. I make my life really fucking complicated and hard work by giving my teens lifts. But I protect that time like I used to protect a day or so a week at home with them when they were tots.

They need us still, and that time alone in the car when they’re off to do something they want to do somehow opens a channel up inside them and all sorts comes spilling out that wouldn’t otherwise be expressed doesn’t it?

Keep doing what you’re doing. What a lovely mum. Xx

Funny how they open up in the car isn’t it.
I think it’s a combination of the enclosed space, and that they’re looking ahead, not at you. Makes it easier to talk somehow.

Well done you. That's lovely of you 😊

While I do understand and I'm not going to tell you YABU, I would definitely look out for other settings that "work" in terms of having these conversations, because 1) it was great for my resilience, independence and self-confidence to be getting myself around as a teen 2) I still have bad memories of the time my mum searched my room, found my pill, and then decided to tackle me about it when she was driving me somewhere and I was trapped with her. also don't do that last bit ever and don't bring up sensitive stuff on purpose when they can't get away

I know from social workers, who work with young offenders (not suggesting yours are!) that they often have the best conversations in cars with the young people that they are working with. They think that it is because it is not face to face conversation.

Blimey, I take it they don't own headphones then. Can't get a word out of mine in the car.

Mine were the same, keep it going, it won't be forever.

Walking somewhere with them will give the same shoulder to shoulder conversation opportunity. Plus they get to decide when to stop the interaction, tell you to bog off home.

I used to love the chats I had with dc in the car also . It’s great they’re independent and driving now, but I do miss those times.

I live on the same site in an annex with my family and I am the “Uber” driver for my two teen grandchildren (& their friends). I drop & collect them to & from after school activities, sleepovers, shopping trips, football matches, the railway station and weekend jobs. I love the time spent in the car with them. It’s a chance to catch up with what’s going on in their lives and a time to offer any support needed. They appreciate the lifts too!

My dad still offers us all lifts now even though we’re all married with children. It’s one of the ways he showed us love. He would say ‘even if it’s 3am I’ll come and pick you up.’ At the time I thought it was nice of him but now I am older it actually makes me tearful because, as I say, that was his way of showing love. I’m sure it annoyed my mum sometimes but she never told him not to. Keep doing it if you want to OP, your children will appreciate it.

Apart from the conversations that I enjoyed, I liked seeing my kids getting to go to events, and socialising . I remembered growing up quite rural at the time and missing out on so many things going on in the nearest town because of lack of transport . If there is public transport I encouraged my teens to use it. I also sympathised with long bus journeys being rejected as like me , daughter suffered from travel sickness.

Tell DH that when he starts doing his share of the emotional labour with the kids, you might be interested in his opinion.

I'd continue to do it too.

My parents took me everywhere, hasn’t done me any harm, I’d continue doing what you’re doing.

I had a driving instructor that said that she loved the conversations she had with some of her clients - she said she had the best convos.

Since my DD was young I feel like we have had some of the most thoughtful and deepest and funniest and reflective conversations whilst in the car.

I wouldn’t make this the only reason why I drive her around though. Everything is quite far from home for us - if it wasn’t I’d let her go herself. Now some of our best convos are just before bed on the sofa or when we decide to take a spontaneous walk.

Apparently it’s the act of not facing eachother that makes you open up more - I was once told.

I would keep doing it. My DS is 22 and I still give him lifts. He is ND and in receipt of PIP, and gets a bit overwhelmed by public transport. He does pay for a tank of petrol every couple of months.

He is learning to drive, so these lifts have morphed into me sitting in the passenger seat while he drives.

We do have good conversations in the car.

Good response. My teen dd is the same op.

The times I get to properly chat with dd is when she’s in the car or with certain friends. Dd tends to chat pretty openly in the car. I have a mini catch up with her friends if I haven’t seen them for some time and I can ask a couple of them for all the goss. All the goss usually involves some learning experience from either end… as in I learn stuff about potential tricky situations other kids have been in and can use that to be a better mum, to potentially head stuff and give dd and her friends some tools to manage or process certain scenarios. They can then use this to help themselves and others.

Dd connects her music to the car… no need for headphones.

Mine never speak to me in the car they are either in headphone world or making me listen to their god awful drill music.
We tend to talk when walking better or playing sport together.

Going for walks has the same effect, that's what I do

Mine argue over who's music is played

Yanbu, my teens are taken to school by dh in the car instead of getting the bus.

The bus would be so much easier for us but I get the bus in the morning and I hear how teenagers talk and its disgusting. I also remember getting up to mischief when I was travelling to school in the early 2000s.

I know they might hear worse at school, but I'm going to do what I can to protect them outside of that.

I do this too. I used to send them on the bus to school every morning, but as I work five minutes from school it just makes sense to save both time and money taking them in the car. They get the bus home when they need to, but it doesn't sound a very pleasant experience, and why put them through it? I also get to have lovely conversations with them too. Or, especially at pick up time, they get to breathe a sigh of relief and just chill for five minutes. I love every minute with both my teens, and I'll keep this going for as long as it suits us both.
By the way @JohnAndYoko your DH needs to step up and have a conversation with his children. He's missing out on so much. As is mine.

If you're being unreasonable then so am I. I want to help my teen, make life easier for them, in any way I can. Can't see myself ever stopping lifts to be honest!