to give my kids so many lifts for this reason?

[JohnAndYoko]

Two teenage kids. Both quite up and down emotionally. Both good kids who sometimes struggle. Quite capable of getting buses/walking to most places they go.

Anyway - I give them quite a lot of lifts in the car. Sometimes to make their lives a bit easier and give them some breathing space. But most often because it's in the car that they TALK to me properly. Something about it makes them open up. And it's not because I/they don't have other opportunities to talk. There are lots. But somehow, the best times are in the car.

DH says I need to stop it, and they should only ever have lifts in very unusual circumstances. But I can't/don't want to do this.

So I continue to pollute the environment and spend unnecessary cash on fuel to keep them communicating with me more frequently/openly during what are basically quite hard times.

AIBU?

I would do anything rather than give them a lift, but they are happy to walk, cycle or get the bus, buses are fine!

Thanks all - really good to read these replies. Very interested to hear how many others do the same.

I understand about saying walks are better - but lots of the time, my kids just wouldn't do this.

Sometimes, DD just plays music and doesn't seem like she wants to talk at all, and then suddenly, after about 10 minutes, she'll come out with something substantial (or not substantial - whatever). I've learned to try not to ask too many questions, but just to sit and wait and listen....

Good points about DH, too....

I had this conversation with a friend last night, our teens are really talkative in the car too.

I don't mind giving mine a lift, bus services are bloody awful near us and her friends are scattered in the surrounding villages. She's also got a pt job. I think I must give my dd 5/6 round trips a week (she gets the bus to school), but if I didn't she'd not be able to go to her Saturday job, or do a hobby or see her friends. All valid reasons in my book to give her a lift, and I get to find out what's on her mind and going on in her life. If I didn't she'd be upstairs on her phone rather than outside doing her hobby or interacting face to face. Tbh I think it's the way of the world these days.

Plus she can't wait to take her car test as 'she'll driver herself'

My daughter is the same and I’ll keep giving her lifts.

YANBU at all, OP. Carry on 🚗

Do you always make everything about you?

I did this with mine. I've never regretted it.

This :)

I go for in the middle. Bus to and from school. Mix of telling them to use the bus/train and giving lifts. As thinks it's important they learn some self sufficiency and planning to get to places without depending on a lift

I had 2 teens (now in their twenties) the car is a great place for them to open up. I have always given mine loads of lifts.

I see it as part of my parenting job to
take them to places; all the activities they do (sport, Scouts, etc) are good for them and I don’t want them to be discouraged from doing it. They get the bus to and from school, but we take them everywhere else. They are, however, independent enough that if we are busy they can get the bus if needed. My parents took me everywhere when I was a teenager.

It's one of the reasons I don't carpool to school.. sometimes the mornings are tricky and I have no idea what worries are going round in DD's head so it's better to allow her a safe transition space so she can pull herself together on the way to school and have a hug goodbye in the car park if she needs one.

DS does a lot of sport and has to take the train, DH goes out of his way and stays late at work so DS can be back in the fold earlier even if that means being in the car.. it has a noticeable positive impact on his mood and energy levels.

I always gave mine lifts. It's a very anti mumsnet thing to do as we should be teaching them independence apparently. I didn't do it particularly for the chats as we talked anyway but I'm a nice person and I wanted to model kind behaviour to them. They have grown up to be wonderful adults, fully independent despite me driving them places as teens.

The issue here is that your DH seems to be telling you shouldn't drive them, and you want to. Keep doing it.

I used to walk to school, but on Saturday and Sunday, my Dad drove me to work and picked me up. He would pick me up whenever I needed it. He died last year and during those last few years, I ferried him around. Lovely memories, I miss him every day.

Drive your kids and never feel any regrets x

I’m hoping to do this when mine are older. My parents never gave me lifts when I was a teen as they wanted to have a glass of wine and it was embarrassing how many lifts I got from my friends’ parents that were never reciprocated

i do this too and also to know they are home safe

'Anti mumsnet?' - lots of families don't own cars, and yet still manage to bring up emotionally balanced kids

@Allfur

'Anti mumsnet?' - lots of families don't own cars, and yet still manage to bring up emotionally balanced kids

On a thread about giving teens a lift V not giving teens a lift I think it would be safe for you to assume we are talking about those with cars.

I am in no way suggesting people need a car to raise emotionally balanced kids.

Honestly the lengths people will go to on here to be offended is hilarious.

My kids do the same while walking which is why I make them walk to and from school daily. It would be easier for me to drive for my own health but then I'd never hear about their day

Gosh, do you mean they let you walk with them to school!? Teenagers? I'm very impressed by this!! Mine would be mortified by this (but then I am not a very cool mum...).

Aww no, I think it's sweet.

I'm in my thirties and my Dad still offers to give me a lift to things like a job interview,school appointment (of which there are many for my kids)..even kids birthday parties which I dread as I have major anxiety and don't speak the local language well but make sure my kids never miss out.

I'm divorced,but he still offered when I was married.

It's just you being a kind parent and keeping 'in touch' with your child.

Yanbu. Make the most of it while you can.

Ds now drives himself everywhere but I’ve managed to engineer him giving me a lift once or twice a week so I still get my little chats. I’ll miss our time when he goes off to uni.

Keep doing what you’re doing 😀. My 16 year old is a pain in the arse, wanting lifts all the time. But like you, we have our best chats in the car.
At 14 he had very poor mental health (suicide risk assessment poor) and would wake me in the night if he was struggling. I’ve spent many a night driving round while he poured his heart out.

Car journeys are fantastic opportunities to have conversations with teens. I know a social worker who recommends it. They are more likely to talk as you are not face to face. Keep doing it, sounds like you are doing a great job. Tell your DH it's not forever!

@NerdWhoEatsMedlar "Plus they get to decide when to stop the interaction, tell you to bog off home."

Men did in the car too. I'm their mother, not a prison guard!

It’s more of a pain in the arse when they’re old enough to go out drinking!! DS1 (now 24) used to phone me at 3,4,5 in the morning to go and pick him and his mates up. He usually had no fecking idea where he was either!
He called me one morning at daft oclock
to be picked up. I asked him where he was. He didn’t know! Asked him what he could see? A roundabout!! I’m like the FBI, I found him every time.
It was annoying at the time but his best mate passed away 3 years ago and I’ll never forget all the laughs taking them to and picking them up from nights out.