To ask you not to ask women if they are expecting, especially if they are 53

[Okonimiyaki]

Never started a thread here before. But really hurt and humiliated.

I am 53. I am not overweight. I am 5'8 and a size 12. But thanks to menopause,
genes, and a medical condition I carry weight in my belly. I am not asking how to lose that. Already doing all I can. My waist is about 30-31.

Went to an event tonight with complete strangers. Thought I looked good. Quite early on a woman says v loudly" Are you expecting?". I was rather taken aback. I don't ask this even of my friends. She didn't apologise when I said I was not..I felt humiliated tbh, though I laughed it off with a reference to my grown up DC.

Is this something you ask women you have just met? Especially when they are 53!

"Excuse, beg your pardon, but are you pregnant? because there's a baby dangling from your fanny you might want to get checked out"

I was being lighthearted with the dentist -of course she knows my date of birth

Oh-and I don’t do “offended”

I’m sorry that happened to you.

I’ve had it a few times - mainly in professional settings which made me feel even worse, I felt humiliated in front of my colleagues. The worst one was with a colleague who offerersd me a glass of champagne. I accepted and she poured me a tiny amount and then when she offered a top up, I accepted again - she said something like ‘oh I’ll give you another small glass as… you know…’. I said ‘know what? I’d like another glass please, there’s no reason for me not having one’ and stared at her as I knew what she was getting at, but she went ahead and said ‘oh you can tell us, I’ve noticed that you’re pregnant’. I was so angry with her as I think she was being spiteful or just very stupid.

Anyway, I ditched all of the clothes that I was wearing when anyone had ever made that kind of comment about me and invested in some other cuts which suit my shape better. I’ll always have an apply shape and there are more flattering clothes styles out there. Not been asked for around 5 years now so either it’s worked or I now look too old to be asked 😅

I really think the dentist should be asking women of 52 and 53 whether they might be pregnant. There are lots and lots of women that age still having periods, and more with irregular cycles.

I get asked at 53 (I'm at month 11 of no periods so very nearly there.....!) I also haven't had sex for years so there's that as well

Mums are getting older so i really would not know if they were expecting or not.
I dont ask either.

It's annoying
No I'm just fat and having an endo flare so I'm swollen up like a beach ball thanks

Hi OP you could look on it as a compliment - that you look young enough to be expecting

Nah.....I don't see how anyone could feel complimented by someone thinking they have a pregnant belly regardless of their age.

Smallish waist and big tummy can look worse than bigger waist and big tummy (sorry OP, I don't mean to stick the boot in, I'm thinking about my own figure). I have a similar waist measurement and when I lose weight it goes off my waist but takes ages to go off my tummy, I need to be like a size 6 to start losing weight there so sometimes I end up looking more out of proportion/worse than before I started watching my weight. Obviously that's just vanity and I do exercise and watch my diet for health reasons regardless.

I looked more pregnant when I was slender with a smallish belly/bloating than I do now overweight when I just look fat, because well, currently I'm storing too much of it.

Don't hide your body away, you are an older woman that is all, our bodies shouldn't be hidden away or modified attempting to fight the process, to live a long life and to age is a gift that many people don't get to experience even if it does not always feel the case

My colleague has had this question. She just says "No, I'm just fat". She says that it makes them embarrassed that they thought she was pregnant and also embarrassed that her fatness was pointed out.

I don't even ask my friends who I know are TTC. A dear but distant friend was going through IVF recently, she told me when I saw her. I said i won't ask if she's pregnant when we speak on the phone , she knows I'm interested and also that it can be upsetting when the answer is 'still no.' She told me herself when she fell pregnant and I'm really excited for her.
People who are pregnant don't always want to tell and people who aren't pregnant don't want to be asked. Obviously if you are a pharmacist or x-ray technican, or have another valid reason for needing to know then go ahead, but for the general public there is nothing to gain from asking except a smug feeling of being right.

This happened to my SIL once when she was boarding an airplane. An air hostess asked her if she needed any help to put the hand luggage in the locker implying she was pregnant.
It totally destroyed her. She was crying when she landed.

@Okonimiyaki you should ask 'why do you want to know '
It puts the ball back in her court.
She has to justify the question.

Why?
Was she trying to get pregnant or worried about her weight?
Seems extreme to be crying unless you're having fertility problems.

So weird that people think asking that is ok!! Happened to me once, someone in a meeting of about 23 people said to me "oh, you're having a baby how exciting" I was mortified, said "no just fat thanks" and cried in the toilet during the lunch break.

ABSOLUTELY- couldn’t agree more!

I was once told congratulations when I walked into a meeting room (all men). I hadn’t seen the person who said it for a while and I had put on a bit of weight and wore an empire line dress. It was mortifying.

Had it again at another office, someone I hadn’t seen for a while said oh wow, when are you due - and tried to touch my stomach!!!

Those were both men, but I have been asked by a few women too. I really should lose some weight!!

This.

100%

I would literally never ever ask unless they specifically told me. It’s really bloody rude !!!