DH leaving a 1 year old on softplay along

[Katemiddletonsphotoshopper]

sorry title is supposed to say “leaving a 1 year old in softplay alone” - potato fingers.

DH took the 3 children to soft play on his own so I could have a break, as I haven’t been well. Great - very nice of him.

Today I find out from my 5 year old that, after trying to send him (5 year old) by himself to the loos down quite a long hallway (the softplay is in a gym so full of unknown adults), he then tried to take 5 year old on his own, and leave the 3 and 1 year old totally unsupervised in the softplay.

5 year old is adamant DH left the 1 year old the whole time. DH is saying he saw the error of what he was doing and went back for the 1 year old and the 3 year old as they tried to follow him.

I don’t really know what to say/do. Just feels like both the attempt to send a 5 year old to the loos alone and then the attempt (or actuality) of leaving a bloody 1 year old alone in a softplay are both fucking insane and I can’t believe he thinks that’s acceptable. Am I overreacting? I appreciate he tried to do something nice but surely it’s obvious you have to always take all 3 with you at those ages? And now I feel I can’t trust his judgement at all. I also feel like 5 year old is probably telling the truth and therefore I am pretty angry that DH is trying to make out he is lying to make himself look better.

Nope, I’m not. I am absolutely not. The fact he can’t see the issue with it either is extremely concerning for me.

He did leave the one year old alone, and whether the five year old is exactly correct is irrelevant.

Except for the time DH was in the corridor with the two smaller children?

Sounds like he did though. He left 1yr old in soft play with 3 year old, both then wandered out. He then left 1 and 3 alone again in the hallway whilst going in to toilet with 5, when 3 appears in there, with 1 still elsewhere on their own.

Regardless - a 3 year old doesn't count as appropriate supervision 🙄

Why are you so determined to excuse the inexcusable? Are you the op's husband?

No…I don’t think you’re understanding. He initially tried to point DS in the correct direction and the other 2 wandered out and then he left them alone…

Exactly this!

This soft play sounds like hard work. Couldn't get worked up about this. He made a mistake and tried to fix it. He needs to take kids out alone more often...3 under 5 is tricky !

I'm amazed anyone can even attempt to defend such shitty parenting tbh. OP, you are absolutely not in any way shape or form being unreasonable. I'd be furious!

How is this tricky?

I'd pick up the 1 year old, grab the hand of 3 year old, explaining we need to go to toilet with 5 year old. Stay in toilet vicinity with younger 2 while 5 year old uses toilet, then leave and go back to soft play with all 3 children, and recommence playing.

He's had more children than he can parent. My guess is that he's not often in sole charge of them all. You're going to have to calm down and show him how it's done. If you go down the route of always being the one to do everything it won't be healthy for any of you. He fucked it up spectacularly. He's got the judgement of a drunk goat but he's their dad so you've got to make it work.

It’s not tricky. They would come really easily when asked to they are very well versed in the routine of doing that as we do it all the time. This is honestly the easiest softplay in the world for the age range and I can’t believe any of this and very pleased to see other people also don’t think it’s ok as I’m seriously raging and I can’t believe he isn’t just saying he was wrong. I’m very pissed off he initially tried to say DS was wrong too.

lol at the drunk goat comment. Unfortunately you might be right re the amount of children for him - I had never thought about it that way. He has 0 common sense. The thing is I now don’t know what he can and can’t do with them as I feel very uncomfortable placing trust in him again to have them alone.

Yanbu OP. What a spectacularly shit decision by your DH. I have no other words.

I know someone who took a call from the school to say could they pick their 5yo up as they'd just vomited.
They got to school and was chatting to the receptionist, who asked if daddy was looking after the baby. Only then they remembered they'd left their 1yo having a nap in the cot. They were rural, so it was around a 10 minute journey.

They never had done that before, and never did it again. Don't know what came over them because they were normally very organised and the one who never forgot anything. They didn't even have the baby in nursery normally as an excuse.

Sometimes we all do things without thinking them through, and we all make mistakes. In your case he went back, he'll never do that again, will he?

Sounds like he made a mistake and then rectified it. Give him some slack. Nothing happened but he will know not to do it again. Three kids under 5 is crazy so maybe he just isn’t used to it.

@Katemiddletonsphotoshopper
Oh yeah I know it's not tricky, that was my point, I agree with you. I was just thinking aloud given a PP said it's tricky to manage them all. I don't think that specific situation your DH found himself in needed to be tricky at all.

Why would he expect the receptionist to act as his babysitter? In as much as noticing and chasing after a small child trying to leave the building.

I find that a very odd expectation to place upon someone who's busy doing their job.

Is he used to his parenting being facilitated by an always-present back-up team?

I said this exactly to him. It’s not the receptionist’s job and, moreover, it’s a huge fucking assumption to make that someone would notice 2 tiny children wandering under the barrier and going into the car park. Or someone walking off with them as there are also hotel guests using the gym facilities. I feel extremely sick about all of this because of the “what could have happened”. I think if he was more like “fuck I didn’t think how awful it could have been I’m sorry, I will never do it again” I would feel more reassured but the stance of “nothing would have happened/receptionist is there etc”. Tbh even the idea of sending 5 year old to the loo alone / there are sickos out there ffs. I just don’t know why he would be comfortable risking any of this.

In your case he went back, he'll never do that again, will he?

But he didn't though if you read the version of events from OPs husband. He didn't leave the two younger ones in soft play, then when they followed him into the corridor think oh shit that was a mistake, better not do that again. He did the very opposite and chose to leave them a second time whilst he went into the toilet with the eldest child.

I don't know why people are trying to minimise his shitty parenting. Once is a mistake, twice is just negligent. Even OPs 5 year old has the presence of mind to know their dad fucked up. Then to top it off he tried to claim the 5 year old was lying to cover his own arse (which suggests he knew it was wrong in the first place!)

Have you honestly never made a mistake? We have all had moments where we just don’t think.

When DS2 was 8 weeks old, we went to soft play with DS1 who was 2.5 years old. In all the excitement, he wet himself. I was then all over the place with DS2 in my arms, the pram and changing bag on the other side of the room, DS1 standing in a puddle of pee, etc. A kind lady with a baby herself offered to hold DS2, and I made the decision to take DS1 to the toilet to clean him up and get him changed. It was only later in the day I thought what the fuck did I do - I left my small baby with a complete stranger for 10 minutes and walked away. Fortunately all was well, but it was one of the most foolish things I’ve ever done.

So sometimes, we just don’t think properly. So no need to be harsh. Lesson learnt and I’m sure he won’t do it again. But by making it a big deal, you risk him not telling you about any other foolish mistakes he may make in future.

What I wonder, with his assumption about the receptionist, is whether he's one of those men who fundamentally thinks of childcare as women's work. Of himself as 'helping' or offering to 'play with' them, always with nice ladies available to do the actual care.

That and/or he hasn't had enough practice.

I think you're missing the point a bit. The main issue isn't what he did but the fact that he hasn't thought 'what the fuck did I do?'. When asked 'what the fuck did you do' he lied, tried to make out his child was lying and then attempted to justify what he did (nothing would have happened/the receptionist would have made sure they didn't wander into the carpark).

We can only learn from mistakes if we admit they were mistakes.

@NuffSaidSam well it may be normal to you but doesn't mean it is something I would want to do. Exactly for reasons like this.

I realise it's a shock but try not to do too much damage until you calm down and try to then be constructive!
Stop thinking about what he should or shouldn't have done and find out what he plans to do next time, and then decide what you will do.
If you don't trust him then don't let him take them all together, until you can build up the trust.
All this blame and everyone laying into him is just going to ruin his confidence and you'll be the default parent, which isn't good for anyone.