To think you can't just stop liking someone

[Rightbackwherewestartedfrom]

It's been 6 weeks, and I've respectfully distanced myself, I am fully open to meeting and liking someone new, I am keeping busy, I've massively reduced contact and I'm doing everything 'right'.
We have so much in common, we have a very similar personality, he is exactly my type and I am attracted to him.
We get on very well, I couldn't believe I'd met someone so compatible.
He doesn't want to date me ATM so I've had to respect that. As I say I've reduced contact. He knows I liked him and he looked guilty as hell at first, now he's only a bit red and flustered but he's absolutely fine with me and we're on good terms, however I only speak to him now when I see him around.
I've tried my best to find flaws. Of course there are, but I've just come to accept I can't make myself stop being attracted.
The main thing is I've distanced myself and move on.
Sadly I don't have many close male friends, not through choice. However for me if I'm very close friends with a man, it's usually someone I am not attracted to in that way.
Is anyone here close friends with someone they have a crush on?
It might naturally reduce in time, and likely when I develop feelings for someone else, if and when.

It sucks but you really do just have to put the effort in. It's just one of things.

The reason he doesn't want to is because he's a manager at work and I'm a junior, he's not my manager but he sees it as risky, which I totally understand. I'll just try and give it longer.

If it's really messing you up then have a look around for other jobs. Assuming he's single, he sounds sensible regarding your work relationship. Really though, I think there are very few among us who haven't got caught up with someone at times that isn't suitable or just won't work. It's just part of life sometimes.

Thank you :) he's single and we were close mates. He sees it as a conflict of interest which I suppose it is, he doesn't know if he could be reassigned as my manager in the future.
The problem is I'm finding this harder to move on than if someone just said 'i'm not attracted to you.' I don't know why. If they'd said that I'd probably be over it in like 2 days lol.

I think you may have posted many times under different names about this?

You need to move on, as hard as that feels. This is an addiction. Kick it for 45 days (mark it on the calendar and phone) and decide to not think about him or contact him until then. Nothing ever works out from this position. Please stop wasting your precious life. Speaking from experience

I could be way off the mark, but it sounds like he's loving the attention here tbh. Take a big step back from him if you're staying. You're only standing in your own way from finding someone else.

I think I've seen the posts you mean, but nope not posted before?
You are right, I only speak to him now when I see him around and absolutely have to, or he led a meeting the other week that I was part of but that's literally once in a blue moon.
I hope I'll get there!

Maybe he does :( I know he's divorced, he's a few years older than me. It'd be a shame because I really like my job. I think meeting someone else will be the push I need.

I mean this really kindly, but you need to give yourself a really good shake here. You shouldn't 'need' to meet someone else to recognise this current chap is no good. You need to recognise your own worth, and that people should be clamouring for you. Recognise your own worth in and of itself 👊

I thought he was a good guy, maybe he's not? I just don't know what to think.

Wondering if he has actually told you that he doesn't want to date you because he's a manager at work, or if this is something you attribute to him. ?

Your problem is here is that you're focussing entirely on him. To be frank, who gives a flying fuck about him? Think about yourself, what you need, what you want, what your aspirations are. You're a person in your own right, with talents and friendships and plenty to do other than obsess over some poxy man.

Yes he told me this sadly. He told me he'd not dated someone in his last job for the same reason. That said, it could be a load of BS.

"Is anyone here close friends with someone they have a crush on?"

Yes, I have been in that situation. I had to really really distance myself.
It took over a year. We are not close friends anymore, and I don't have those feelings anymore.
I have many other friends, so everything is fine.

He might well be a good guy, but he's not that into you or he would have just let it happen. You need to get your head round that rather than the 'star crossed lovers' trope.

I mean that really nicely by the way, like you said you've done everything right but I think you need a change of headspace because at the moment you're thinking oh he really likes me but can't be with me because x y z which always feels surmountable. I might be wrong but if he genuinely liked you like you like him, the same workplace thing wouldn't be enough to stop it I wouldn't think, unless it's gross misconduct or something!

You're probably right sadly. I mean it's not misconduct but it's classed as a conflict of interest. He was making comments about HR and losing his job and all sorts.
Which in a way, if he's invented it all it kind of makes me a bit sick and I'm better without someone like that.
That said, in the year I've been there I've never seen him dating anyone here.

Well, maybe not BS in the worst way, but possibly what he imagines is a gentle way of letting you know he doesn't want to start a relationship.
The truth is you don't really know him. What people present at work is not necessarily 100% of who they are.
What you do know, I'm afraid, is that this is a non-starter. As PPs have said, it's not a situation to invest in emotionally. Best to just be yourself at work and move on.

While you're paying this attention to his comings and goings, you're missing out on everyone else!

It's never encouraged to have relationships at work but I've been in a couple of relationships with managers that we've just kept on the down low at the start, so he's not making it up but might be a gentle rebuff. I could be totally wrong and he's just an absolute stickler for being seen to be doing the right thing.

True.. I know him out of work too as we've been running/done parkrun together a couple of times and walked his dog once.
So I got to know him a bit better.
He even went as far as telling me a mate of his liked another woman at work and he advised him not to for the same reasons.
Like I get gentle but the fact that he's potentially invented an entire scenario rather than just a simple 'sorry I'd prefer to be friends ' is kind of worrying and disturbing tbh.
The scales will fall from my eyes I hope!

I guess I'll never know. His reasoning was that if it ends, it's really painful having to see the person at work. Can safely say it's the last time I'll ever be into someone at work as it's painful seeing him now.
I'm proud of myself for cutting him out, maybe he did just want the attention by inviting me to walk his dog and such 🤔

If it makes you feel any better, I met my H through work, but indirectly. My colleague was friends with him, and decided that we'd be good together. Married now with a beautiful 12 y/0. You literally never know what life will throw your way.

He also said he basically couldn't trust me not to accuse him of harassment or something :/

The scales will fall from my eyes I hope!

Fake it 'til you make it!
😊

He's not a nice person. He's messing with your head there.