Help - think I need to be signed off with stress

[Stressedtothemaxwork]

Hello not sure this is the right place but looking for advice/support.

I work in the public sector in a 4 day a week role - manager level so some responsibility but certainly not the most senior.

I don’t know what to do. I think I need to be signed off work but I’m so worried about how it might impact me/my career.

I have 2 children, one who is 4 years old and has SEN and we’re currently having a bit of a Battle with his nursery who are trying to reduce his hours as they’re struggling to cope with him. He has ASD and is non verbal and not potty trained.

Weve recently managed to get his ehcp which was very stressful in itself (felt like another full time job) and he has got a space at a specialist school starting reception in September.

His behaviour has recently taken a turn for the worse and he has been hurting other children at the nursery. I can totally understand their issues with him as we hugely struggle with these behaviours at home as well.

Our older child (no SEN) is also starting to act out, I presume as we’re often so stressed trying to manage her sibling’s behaviour although we do try and carve out as much time for her as possible.

Im starting to make mistakes at work as I just can’t manage the workload and everything that’s going on at home.

when the nursery spoke about a reduced timetable I nearly had a panic attack.

I already miss a lot of work due to all his appointments or him generally being unwell or similar.

What will happen if I go off with stress? Will I later be managed out of the organisation? I’m so worried I’ll get a black mark against my name or I’ll lose my job. We’re reliant on my job for the mortgage/bills.

My husband does as much as he can to help but is a shift worker so there’s only so much he can do realistically.

please be kind - I feel very close to the edge

If you're reliant on your job for the mortgage + bills, can your husband take time away from work to look after the DC whilst you continue to work? As sick leave or other? Then he can help manage illness / appointments etc to reduce the stress you feel?

Sorry I meant reliant as in we need both our salaries. He actually earns more than me.

He works in engineering and is out on site a lot of the time and in a really male dominated area of work. I imagine they already think the amount he does for the kids is too much!

If you have got him into specialist school that is amazing. Going through the EHCP process is massively time consuming and very emotionally demanding as well.

How long do you need to hold out for until he is at specialist school?

Once you know that, sit down and try to do an analysis of where you are a family are putting in your effort, and see what can be temporarily reduced.

For exsmpke:

You and dh each take a day off per week or per fortnight to give you some time on your own

You get a (temporary) cleaner

You advertise for a sitter for your kids at the weekend - would any teens do this? So you and dh get some time away from the kids

Etc etc

Yes it’s been an awful process and really stressful with lots of arguments with the local authority. We also had to get a solicitor at one stage which was very expensive.

Yes I know we’re very lucky with the specialist school place. I’ve seen first hand how horrendous it is when children that need places don’t get them.

He will start reception in 5/6 months.

Thank you for the ideas. I think they’re really good but can’t see how they can work right now. We need all our leave for the school holidays.

We have very little family support and no one who can look after the 4 year old. He’s extremely hard work so I do understand this.

Same goes for sitters - absolutely no way a teen could handle him. I am looking into hiring a specialist nanny to give us some respite at some point though, we really need it.

I would say that you sound really close to breaking point (understandably).it's hard enough to parent without a network with children who don't have additional needs so it's next level what you're experiencing. If you need the break then yes take the time. You can self cert this week and get a doctor's appt. I can't speak for your organisation but I think most now for long prolonged sickness in public sector aren't 'marking up' or managing out. Use the time to get yourself back into balance or whatever you can do to get through to reception

If hiring a specialist nanny will give you the respite you need then absolutely do it.

Having children with SEN is emotionally tough and if you need to throw money at something to get through the next six months do it.

It is a preferable option to going off with stress.

Can’t afford to throw that much money at it unfortunately - would be more ad hoc so perhaps my husband and I could do things with our older one or occasionally have a night out together

'when the nursery spoke about a reduced timetable I nearly had a panic attack' sounds a bit flippant. You don't need to be having full blown panic attacks to be under stress, but being inconvenienced or dreading taking on more isn't the same as actually suffering debilitating symptoms.

Either way, it sounds like the issues at home are the problem, not work. I'd focus on asking the GP with support for your child and additional needs, rather than being signed off and worrying about your future career. If you didn't take time off to sort the EHCP, but it felt like a full time job and is done, then what will have changed for the better by the times you have to go back and manage it all at once again?

Not sure how this is helpful?

I DID nearly have a panic attack as how on earth would I be able to manage at work if they reduce his timetable at nursery - it would be even more difficult than it currently is. I got home and struggled to breathe and have had countless sleepless nights since this was suggested.

What support do you think is available for children with SEN from the GP? There is nothing.

How unkind to kick someone when they’re down

It doesn't matter where the issues are if the OP is experiencing mental health issues. You're insinuating that you can only be signed off from work with stress if the stress relates to work, which is nonsense. Funnily enough, people are whole human beings without a little switch to turn stuff off just so they can go to work.

OP, I have worked public sector in NHS and education for over 20 years. Never seen anyone managed out for genuine sickness. Anyone could see why you're feeling ill with everything going on. You just need to be honest. And definitely take the time to get well.

Thank you x

Sympathy OP, I've been through the EHCP process for my middle son and had to change childcare settings in the past as first unable to meet my children's (SEN) needs. It is unbelievably stressful and I'm not suprised you're feeling anxious.
You mention you work in the public sector. Not exactly sure what is available to you but it may also be worth being open and honest with your employer about these circumstances, investigating a short career break may be until your son has settled into school, or if this is not possible, looking into either unpaid parental leave or carer's leave for a few weeks of breathing space. The GP could indeed sign you off but without having either more flexibility over working hours, or more support which as you rightly mention above is virtually nonexistant, you will return to work and quickly reach the point of burnout again - your stress is due to going through ongoing stressful circumstances that won't magically go away after the sick leave. When your 4 year old starts special school have you thought what to do for wraparound care as many special schools don't have this? If usung school transport an adult will also need to be at home during the pick up and drop off window. You and/ or your partner may need to start thinking about putting in requests for part time or flexible working. For our family what is just about working is that I'm 60% FTE which I concentrate into term times, and my husband is full time but can work from home frequently.

Do you get DLA for your child? For my job, when we had that and could say my children had a recognised disability, I managed to negotiate more flexible hours.

There is also legislation from April giving you leave from work if you are an unpaid carer.

Both may be useful for you.

Thank you, this is a really kind post.

Yes my work have agreed to change my hours to school hours from September as you’re quite right - no wrap around care at specialist. Over 4 days.

We’re not going to use the transport option as he wouldn’t cope being put in a taxi with someone he doesn’t know. Plus he’s not verbal and so little - I don’t think I could bear it.

my poor older child will need to be in breakfast club and after school club as I won’t be able to get to her until too late with the nightmare car park situation at the specialist school.

I just don’t know what to do. We need the money but I’m not coping well at the moment and worry about the future all the time

Thank you.

Weve applied for DLA but not heard back yet.

My work have actually been really flexible already so I’m so worried about starting to make mistakes and not coping. They’ll want rid of me surely ☹️

go and speak to your gp, explain how you’re feeling and what’s been happening and tell them about work. Sometimes work is just the thing that needs to take a backseat whilst you focus on your child and your family. Whilst you wait for your appointment check your work sick leave policy to see what the pay arrangements are.

you sound like you just need a break, to get your head straight and figure how you will cope with everything going forwards. I think if you don’t have a child with complex needs you don’t know the stress and worry and sleepless nights trying to juggle them, school your other kids your home and your partner and work. I have found it over whelming recently. My child is not coping at school and keeps leaving and wandering the streets, or refusing to go at all, behaviours at home are really bad and it’s all just got on top of me. I went to the dr and just said something has to give.

I’ve hardly slept I have a knot in my chest all the time, I’m just worrying and stressed constantly. So I’ve got some time. Time to breathe, to speak to school, to go to meetings to just have a little time for me. I love my job, I miss it but I was honest with them and they’ve been understanding, they know that if I can feel better with the situation at home and have some time to get my head together I will be back sooner with their support. Anyway enough waffle op, take the time, even just to breathe I hope everything works out for you.

@Stressedtothemaxwork you won't be the first and you won't be the last in your workplace to have life overcome you at some point.
You usually find public service are actually much better and more accommodating to stress and mental health sickness than private companies (though of course depends on the company).
If you have a reasonable relationship with your manager (it sounds like you do) I would have an honest conversation with them - you aren't coping (important to say that). You dont want to let anyone down and you really appreciate their flexibility with changing your hours from September etc but at the moment it's all too much.
They might be able to offer some options like removing some of your work load for a few months, giving you a different working pattern, increased breaks, access to mental health support etc. Which means you don't need to go off sick - it benefits you and them. Alternatively, they might encourage you to have some time off. I've certainly discussed with a staff member if having some time off with stress might be the most beneficial thing for them. Again I'd rather have a good member of staff have some required time off and then come back better and higher functioning rather than keep trudging on and either leave because they can't cope or worse have to be managed because they're achieving poorly and making errors.

How the hell is that helpful. Cop yourself on.

You could self certificate for a week and see where you go from there?

would your work be flexible enough to let you change working days around husbands? So one of you holds the home fort at a time (as much as possible) then you can have separate work days and home days- knowing that you only have to concentrate mainly on one thing that day? Rather than having to do a bit of everything? Might make it easier to keep your head in work mode. Hope that makes sense.

Hope it all gets a bit easier soon x x

What do you think a GP is going to do? Write a prescription for a childminder? Tell me you don't have a ND child without telling me you don't have a ND child lol.

@Stressedtothemaxwork - When my ND Teenager was in crisis I got signed off with "stress and anxiety" by my GP as a stopgap. It wasn't a lie, I was stressed out beyond belief trying to juggle all the plates and my anxiety was through the roof that DS would (again) try to harm himself while I was at work.
Luckily (for me), my entire department got made redundant shortly after so I was able to stay home for 18 months. My lovely, understanding boss phoned me, told me to cancel my fit note and logged me in and out of my computer for 12 hour shifts while I traversed the length of the country 5 days a week to visit my DS in an adolescent mental health unit. So I ended up with a massive payout (based on our final months salary). The man had a ND DS too so completely got it.

Take some time signed off, with a ND child, you'll have longer and harder battles to fight and you'll be best placed to do this if you've managed to have some down time. Good luck.

I was in a similar situation recently and this ^ is exactly what I did.

I took a week off on Compassionate leave. Then negotiated working half days for two weeks so that I could still be engaged at work, but then had the afternoons for doing all the phone calls, scheduling all of the doctor appointments and non-work meetings.

It gave me enough time and headspace to sort things out. And I've gone back to full time work now, having dealt with a load of issues and still remaining confident for the full time return. I felt loads of guilt for my colleagues, feeling like I was letting them down for the time out. However, they've been extremely understanding and supportive... because they know, this is temporary and sometimes, needs must. <3

Take care of you.

If he’s got an ehcp could you be entitled to respite care. I think take a couple of weeks signed off sick to get back on top of things. Sit down with dh and see how things can be managed in this 6 month period before starting school in terms of who does what. You need strategies to help you cope at work and talking therapy might give you some of those?

It shouldn't affect your job.

Step 1 I would go off unwell for a week with a "virus" and see how you feel.

Step 2 take longer signed off if needed

Step 3. On return ask about doing 4 days over 5 so shorter days which allows for making appointments etc and also if you can wfh about flexi working.

Hugs OP. You sound broken. Absolutely get some time off via GP. I would honestly not worry about work (did you say you worked public sector- if so policies are there to protect you while sick) and take a decent amount of time to regroup. At least a month and see how you feel after that. In that time pursue your DLA application. You should receive highest tier. Apply for funding for respite, you will be able to employ carers for a set amount of hours per week to support you. Get a social worker for your son and they will help you navigate all your support options.

Do you get on with your line manager? Are they good? If so, I'd start by talking to them and explaining, and seeing if they have suggestions for anything that might make the work side of life easier.

Are there any disability or carers networks in your workplace? (Some places have them, I think.) If so, they might also have advice from people with similar experience. If you've got a union rep around, they might be able to give you some advice (although bear in mind that they often see when things go wrong - it doesn't mean things will go badly for you, if you have to take some time off!)

I think it's better to take some time off then to carry on struggling and maybe making mistakes. And then feeling worse, and the spiral gets worse and worse. You're dealing with a huge amount, and doing a good job of it - no one should judge you if it's making you ill and you need a break to have some time to breathe and work out how to manage all this sustainably in the longer term.