Help - think I need to be signed off with stress

[Stressedtothemaxwork]

Hello not sure this is the right place but looking for advice/support.

I work in the public sector in a 4 day a week role - manager level so some responsibility but certainly not the most senior.

I don’t know what to do. I think I need to be signed off work but I’m so worried about how it might impact me/my career.

I have 2 children, one who is 4 years old and has SEN and we’re currently having a bit of a Battle with his nursery who are trying to reduce his hours as they’re struggling to cope with him. He has ASD and is non verbal and not potty trained.

Weve recently managed to get his ehcp which was very stressful in itself (felt like another full time job) and he has got a space at a specialist school starting reception in September.

His behaviour has recently taken a turn for the worse and he has been hurting other children at the nursery. I can totally understand their issues with him as we hugely struggle with these behaviours at home as well.

Our older child (no SEN) is also starting to act out, I presume as we’re often so stressed trying to manage her sibling’s behaviour although we do try and carve out as much time for her as possible.

Im starting to make mistakes at work as I just can’t manage the workload and everything that’s going on at home.

when the nursery spoke about a reduced timetable I nearly had a panic attack.

I already miss a lot of work due to all his appointments or him generally being unwell or similar.

What will happen if I go off with stress? Will I later be managed out of the organisation? I’m so worried I’ll get a black mark against my name or I’ll lose my job. We’re reliant on my job for the mortgage/bills.

My husband does as much as he can to help but is a shift worker so there’s only so much he can do realistically.

please be kind - I feel very close to the edge

I have a friend in your boat, but she’s a single parent with zero family support and few friends. I helped her a lot to get the EHCP and she’s waiting on the specialist school place. When she started at the regular state primary they couldn’t manage her, she doesn’t lash out but she is also not potty trained yet and can’t follow instructions like sit on the mat or learn phonics etc. She really does need a specialist school. The school put her on a reduced timetable, 1hr a day to start with!! It’s only 3wks ago they took her full time. My friend had to pay a childminder when the CM went off sick for 2 months to recovery from an op my friend had to go off sick. I mean it’s not perfect for her career (public sector too) but she not had no choice. If you need a bit of time out take it

If you were one of my staff I’d suggest you could take time off in the day and catch up during the evening or weekend. Once you get DLA you could use this for some specialist childcare help. It really is hard going so look after yourself

You need to out your own oxygen mask on first. Unless you look after yourself who's going to look after your wee ones. Take some time off with stress, this is stress after all. Give yourself some time to regroup and look for a way forward x

What would be your sick pay be? If it's enough to live on, it may just give you time to sort how you are feeling out at home and give you time when the wee one is at nursery to relax/meditate.

My friend's panic kicked in when her child was due to leave college as to how he would cope with life and it resulted in her being off for about 4 months.

How long have you worked there and what's your overall sickness absence record like?

I sympathise my child is older but we’ve in the middle of EHCP tribunal process, it’s exhausting. Once you secure DLA I think this opens the doors to potentially applying for direct payments for the social care side which you could use for respite. You may benefit from talking to citizens advice about what benefit support you could get. My friend has a child more high functioning than your son sounds but with complex needs in a specialised school with transport and was able go stop working as they got enough help to cover some of her lost income.
but please get signed off in the short term to stop you fully going into burnout the old put your oxygen mask on first analogy

I'm so sorry, OP. I am a TA, although I am not currently working and have worked on a 1.1 basis with 2 children with extreme additional needs. Both were non-verbal and were extremely challenging but were both such beautiful, loving children. Sadly there mums looked absolutely exhausted both physically and mentally at drop off and pick up times and I felt so sorry for them and felt a bit useless because once they left each home time there was nothing more that I could do to help. Both parents also felt so guilty because they couldn't give their other DC as much attention as they deserved. The school/nursery really struggled to contain them in a mainstream setting but were really supportive. Can you speak to senco and ask if they can offer advice to help you cope with your DC at home between now and September. You have so much going on. It is absolutely understandable that you are struggling. I think taking some time off work would really help. They can't sack or demote you if you have a sick note as long as you keep in touch with them. You could also ask to have an OH appt and see if they can help with reasonable adjustments in your workplace, even just temporarily. I'm sending both yourself and your children a huge hug. I wish I could help to make things easier for you. I realise that I have just written an essay but please know you aren't alone and I am thinking of you ❤️

This ♥️

The ass part of your username seems very fitting

Either way, it sounds like the issues at home are the problem, not work.

Sometimes work is the only thing you can let go to have some breathing space. @Stressedtothemaxwork you’ve done so well to get a specialist school place - I know just how hard that is and how stressful it is to go through the process. It’s possible you’re having a bit of a crash now that piece of work is done.

In your shoes I’d take some time off - it’ll let your body reset after the pressure you’ve been under and give you some thinking space. Once you’re feeling less stressed you may find you’ve more head space to think about how you get through the next few months. Just now you need to look after yourself.

It sounds like you need additional practical help. I'd look again at your husband's work, is it possible for him to change anything? In lieu of that, can he try to do a lot more of the background work like batch cooking, cleaning?

Could you (or your DH) use some leave now (e.g. a day a week, as PP suggested) and then take some parental leave over the summer?

With the nursery, have they applied for funding so provide 1:1 support for your child? Depending on area, this could come with the EHCP. Is it private or local authority?

sick leave absolutely won't solve the long term issue. Your (or your partner's - assuming there is one) work is the issue. You have s child with very complex needs. It's just not compatible with a role like yours unless you have a large support network. Things will only get worse with school (there will be no wrap around childcare, no holiday club will want him). Reduce your hours further, get his dad to reduce his hours, take a different role.

I have 2 DC with SN. one a bit like your DS. I had to change jobs and reduce hours to something much less stressful. We needed the money too but had to cut our cloth accordingly in the end and went without many things but survived. It's touch having a DC with such complex needs but sometimes something gotta give.

Have you looked into carers allowance in combination with DLA?

Get yourself signed up with your local carers centre get your oldest signed up with young carers both offer respite activities like crafting and suchlike and being with peers who get it makes a world of difference. Also sign up with your local parent carer forum as that can help hugely too. You are entitled to take carers leave although unpaid so look at that too. The ehcp process is so stressful but my middle one is thriving at her new school so it really does get better.

Get yourself signed up with your local carers centre get your oldest signed up with young carers both offer respite activities like crafting and suchlike and being with peers who get it makes a world of difference

often young carers have long waiting a lists (where I live over a year) and you have to drive the child and pick them up. For us, this just added more stress as we spend ages in the car. It's often not that simple

i don’t know if this helps at all but if your child gets DLA, parental leave (unpaid) can be more flexible. If your child doesn’t get dla might be worth applying as could help with paying for some hired help as others have suggested. (We get dla and my son has ehcp but in mainstream so I imagine you’d be entitled to dla) .

Some of the responses on here are mind blowing - have a word with yourself if you're one of the posters suggesting that OP should completely ignore her health and work herself into a breakdown.

OP, you are human, you've been through such a lot. You will be no good to either work or your DC if you have a total breakdown.

Talk to your GP, explain how you're feeling, and see what he/she suggests. If you were my patient I'd be signing you off, and whilst you're signed off I'd be looking into whether there are any other sources of support that you could access to support your mental health.

You could also ask for a phased return so that once you're back you're still getting some breaks from it all.

I'm sorry things are so hard - being a parent of a child with SEN isn't easy.

I feel like with all you have going on, you need a long term solution rather than sick leave. Although it will help in the interim.
I was in the same position, but my contract finished so I took 4 months off work before I found a new job.
It did help and I was able to be there more for my DC.
I'm probably going to have to put my careeer on hold indefinitely whilst he is in school however, he can't go to after school clubs and doing my job, 5 hours a day is not going to get me anywhere.
It's a hard load physically and mentally, but you've got this!

OP, I completely echo @KvotheTheBloodless above. Please don't listen to anyone telling you that you need to keep working - you are already on the verge of burnout. Listen to your body. I have been in a similar position and I can guarantee that you are more stressed than you realise, and as soon as you have the time off, you will truly see how much you needed it.

You are in a public sector role, which means you are very well protected for these sorts of things. Please don't worry about your career. So many people go off with stress, many for much less than what you are describing. You will get back - it will be fine.

Call in sick today (if it's a working day) - you can self certify for a week. Try to get a GP appointment in that time if you can. The GP will sign you off. Then you can breathe and think about next steps when you are ready. The poster above is right that you will eventually need a long term solution, but that's something to think about later. For now, the only thing to do is to get the time off work sorted and take some deep breaths.

Hope you feel better soon and that your son gets the support he needs.

Its sounds like you just need some time to reset. You are running on empty. That isn’t sustainable.

Take some time off. It will benefit everyone especially you, in the long run.

What is 2,4,6 weeks off in the scheme of working for ++++ years.

You need a break.

Good Luck.

So sorry to hear you're struggling. You're in the eye of the storm right now, it will become more manageable once he's settled in school.
I went through similar and the stress of the tribunal/solicitor and fighting the LEA was horrendous.
Now my DS is in an amazing school it has massively improved things.
Raising a child with SEN is a marathon. I'm still learning to recognise when I'm burning out, getting ill etc
Try to build in some time for you.
Meanwhile nursery need to apply for funding for 1:1 (as he has an echp in process this will help). They cannot reduce his hours unless there is a safety issue, and I'd query it on inclusion grounds.

Hi OP, I went through a rough patch of depression and was signed off so many times (approx 100 days) in a one year period. I felt so embarrassed and anxious about work but they were very supportive and helped to ease me back in when I was ready to return. That was 5 years ago and I've not taken a day of sick leave due to mental health since. Sometimes you just need a break to reset and recover, no shame in that. Take the sick leave if you need to x

What you did sounds like fraud.

Yes, take the time off. Also get in touch with adult social care and ask for a carer assessment for you and DH as there might be additional support you can access that isn't through children's services. Have a look at your council's local offer (they all have one) and find out about Short Breaks from there or council website. If your child has SEN then you should be able to get a short breaks assessment. It might only be a couple of hours a week or a place on a SEN holiday playscheme for a couple of days but every little helps. Also see if your local Home start can provide any direct support to you and DH.