To want my hobbies back

[Maneandfeathers]

I have 3 DC, 8.2 and 1. They are very full on and intense, still wake through the night. I have them all week 4am (thanks DC3) until 7pm when DH comes home. I also work 24 hours around school runs etc. The younger ones will be going to nursery once I get free hours as I can’t afford to send them otherwise (one in April, the other the following)

But I’m so so so bored! I feel like my brain is mush. My days are spent waiting until 7pm doing the same thing over and over.

Obviously I can’t leave my DC or children but is it normal to have completely lost yourself as soon as you have children? If you’ve been through this how long until you can get anything back for yourself? I feel like I’m just childcare rather than a person.

Just because it’s always asked. I used to own and compete horses. I sold those after DC2 as it was impossible financially. This is something I know is probably never possible again but I’ve lost a huge social aspect there. Horsey people will understand

My other hobby is dog agility and fly ball. I don’t have a dog to work at the moment as mine are older and broken (still love a walk but can’t compete for health reasons) A puppy at the moment would make things harder so that’s out until I have time to really put into that. My dogs wouldn’t manage one of the less agile sports and are happy enough just being family dogs at home 😄

I’m really outdoorsy, my children aren’t. They all cry the second they go in the pram (or are made to walk in the case of DC1!)

This will get better won’t it!? I feel selfish for feeling this way but it’s true. I should just enjoy my children but I can’t.

Oh…DH hasn’t got any time either so I can’t even blame that!

It will get better! When they are at nursery, then at school, you’ll get some time back. It’s just a different life while they are young.

It's normal but it's also not forever.

I used to play a lot of music. It was all I did really. I stopped playing outside of the house when my eldest was small but once the youngest was a bit older I started again. I joined a choir initially and have been playing in gigging bands for the last 7 years.

I should just enjoy my children but I can’t.

You didn't stop being a person when you had children.

I know a few women who made their children their first, last and everything but they were women who didn't really have hobbies themselves before children and so devoted their entire lives to being mum. In a sense, that was their 'hobby'. But most of the women I know took up their hobbies again when the children were a bit older.

There were 80 people in my choir. The vast majority were women and most had children at home.

I also do yoga. Majority of the women there are mothers.

So, no, your hobbies aren't gone forever.

Thank you!! Nice to feel not alone.

I don’t understand how I can be so exhausted yet so bored at the same time. I feel like I’m wishing time away until they are older rather than enjoying them for what they are.
The two youngest are at that awful age where taking them anywhere is hell on earth which doesn’t help!

The problem is that there is still the rhetoric that becoming a mother 'completes' women and that you should have no need for anything else in your life and it is a flaw in women who want more.

This is a lie. And is perpetuated by those who benefit from women giving up themselves and devoting themselves to their husband and families. It benefits a patriarchal capitalist society (because men are enabled to progress and succeed on the back of women's hard work) but it has been regarded as natural law (which is the problem and why many men carry in their lives much as they did before children - including hobbies) it doesn't have to be like that and you don't have to accept it in the long term.

There was a thread recently in which a couple were arguing because her husband stated that women just simply don't have or do hobbies. They're a man thing. It's nonsense but some people would have you believe it's true - the men who it benefit and the women who are stuck in it who try to make themselves feel better about their situation.

There are loads of women who post on here who have a range of hobbies. So there's nothing wrong with feeling as you do.

You might just have to find ways of meeting that need in yourself within the home (eg home based hobbies) until the childen are a bit older if you really can't see a way of meeting that need otherwise at the moment.

Your time will come again.

Thankyou @GreyCarpet

I mentioned it at work that I couldn’t wait to take up one of them again and all of the women looked at me like I had two heads. One actually said how can you be bothered with all of that now you have 3DC.

I am tired but I’m also so unfulfilled by motherhood. I love my DC and I want to do my best for them but I also feel like an employee for them rather than a person. Previously I had lots of friends, so many interests, I liked to go to events and meet new people, talk about the things I’m passionate about. Now it’s work, cleaning, watch dancing fruit, go to a playgroup and listen to other women talk about their DC, pray for a nap and a hot cup of tea.

That's the thing. I suspect some women are genuinely fulfilled by it.

I know a woman who is on maternity leave at the moment. She is dreading returning to work and is absolutely loving every minute of being at home with her baby. I'm not going to criticise her for that - it's actually really heart warming to hear.

But my god I found maternity leave dull!

I'm much more suited to being the parent of older children (mine are 17 and 25) and going to gigs with them than I ever was suited to watching the Tweenies and finger painting.

I still did it all, of course, but I preferred spending time with them from around 10 upwards and have a great relationship with them now.

You just have to bide your time in the younger years 😉

I don’t really get it when people say you’ll have more time when they are in school? Like if you work that’s not the case at all, I work when they are in school… and now the holidays are way way longer too.
It does get easier op , your two youngest are v v small and you seem to have a really big age gap with the eldest which I imagine can be tricky . I’ve three kids too but all older and closer in age so 7,9 and 12. Obviously things are easier as they can be left in the house and don’t need 24/7 care and mine were also horrendous sleepers so honestly I’m only relearning to sleep again. But tbh I don’t find it magically way easier at all and always feel a bit low when people mention this on mn as I’m obviously missing a trick…
For me older kids means way more workload (washing , cooking), I’m working more so at work when they are in school (I have to work around them and my dh as no childcare available).
They are more full on in other ways , they do loads of activities (they are all male and really really into sports) which they want to do themselves so there’s loads of driving at weekends and then need to catch up with mountains of housework at the weekend too for the week ahead. We have zero family support.
One massive thing is my dh and I take time out for our hobbies at weekends or during holiday breaks , I’ll take them off camping or he will for two /three days and the other person does what they want .
I have to say though working as they get older has been more difficult for me. On the other hand my kids are massively physical so you might find they enjoy a lot of your interests too as they get older , mine would absolutely love all the things you mention.

*I mean left in the house while I’m
there obviously, I just mean I don’t have to supervise 24/7

I felt like this a year ago. Before I had my daughter I ran 3 times a week, did cross stitch and reading in my spare time.
My daughter is 3 and I have run about 5 times since finding out I was pregnant.

I started a pilates class one evening a week and I have started reading on the train to work and doing a jigsaw in the evening. The pilates class has made the biggest difference. It's only 45 minutes a week but it is one evening when my partner takes our daughter for the evening and does bedtime. It's over zoom so I don't have to leave the house either. It's very little compared to before but those few minutes of old me are joyous. I have definitely noticed my daughter is easier to fit around these things now she is 3. She doesn't sleep either but more readily occupied, hopefully you will see a difference in your 2 yo in the coming months too

I seemed to manage okay with DC1 as he’s such an easy personality, he would come along to the farm or be happy to stay with grandparents for an hour. The younger 2 are the opposite, really full on from morning until bedtime.

I have a large gap between dc1-2 for financial reasons. I wish they had been closer together. DC3 was a contraception failure though, I was pregnant again before the baby fog even lifted 😄

As teenagers my friend loved her sleep, I never called over any earlier than 10 on a Saturday. She would joke "wouldn't it be great if you had children and someone would go through the early years and you could have them back when they are 5. Ready for school, no nappies, sleep through the night and they can feed and dress themselves?"

In reality she had 3, well spaced out, didn't have parental or sibling help, minimal husband help and worked part time. She just got on with it but she didn't have previous intense hobbies to miss. Time has gone in a flash and they are all adults now.

Keep hold of your dreams. As they get older you will hopefully have children who will embrace the lifestyle you enjoy. If not you'll just have to pick a common ground and compromise with each other as we are all different.

It does come back! Part of the problem may be that both of your hobbies are fairly intense, more of a lifestyle than something you can pick up and put down. Is there something a bit more casual you could do
in the house or a weekly class? I’m in a monthly book club which isn’t a huge commitment but ticks a lot of boxes for me- intellectual stimulation, feeling like a grown up, socialising with other people.

Find a new hobby that you can enjoy with them. For us it's going to the theatre, started DD off with the children's shows from 3, she could happily sit through musicals by 5 and at 10 she developed a preference for Shakespeare and dramas and is a fantastic companion and we really enjoy that time together.

Or can you incorporate you old hobby so book a horse to ride for a couple of hours a month.

Offer your dog training skills to those that like to compete or just have high energy dogs but maybe time poor etc.

It does get easier op. Mine are 8 and 11 now and they love a lie in (especially the older one). They have a lot of hobbies between them but I play a sport and they sometimes come along to my practices and watch, play in the park with other kids whose parents play too or just sit in the car for the hour. I only took the hobby up 2 years ago and now I love it. Most of us there are mums with kids as young as 4. When my kids were little, I remember being shattered and just wanting sleep and hot tea too. Now it feels like a million years ago. It’s weird how fast and how slow it goes all at the same time.

Two under two is very intense, I found it got easier when the youngest turned around 2 and 3 months as they started playing with the eldest and needed following round less.

I also started a fun netball league when my youngest was around 9 months and it did the world of good getting out the house for a night a week and meeting up for something other than babies! Netball was great as it seemed we were all there for the same reason, mainly to have fun and meet other women for socials. Is there another hobby like that you could try until you can get back into horses & dogs?

Honestly you will come through this and, hard to believe now, even look back with fondness at this time. Do not abandon your horsey dreams, they are just on pause for now. I am now living my best life with my children flown the nest, bringing on my young Arab - a heady combination of terror and exhilaration for this middle aged mum. I go on horse riding holidays, hack out with pals, occasionally compete (although I'm less bothered about that now).

I did keep the horses going when my children were small, but I only had 2 and a horsey mum nearby to help. But I recognise that feeling of losing yourself so I do want to reassure you that the cliche about the days being long but the years short is true. The toddler and baby years are pretty hellish, but are gone in a blink. I love my life - packed with full time work, socialising, adventure etc. But my god I'd go back in an instant to when my children were primary school age and life revolved around that with everything else squeezed in round the edges. Such fun.

Hold tight OP - this will pass.

Thanks all of you!

I can’t find anything else I’m interested in. I don’t like crafts, reading, running or anything like that. I also can’t stand any sport that doesn’t involve an animal, watching or playing (DC does football and god it’s boring!)

Ive always been this way since a child. Needing to be busy all the time but obsessive about what i enjoy. I can’t even enjoy a film or a book because I'm not doing something. Maybe I should obsess about cleaning instead 😄

I have found a night club I would be interested in (dog training) but due to the nature of my job I work until 9-10pm two nights a week. I think DH would have a miserable face if I was gone a third.

Hi! I think that’s what I’m missing, that sense of achievement and ambition to do well in something. The working towards a goal. At the moment I have no goal, other than survive the day until DH comes back and don’t end up in a&e with anyone.

I miss the early mornings on my own, the sitting with everyone on hay bales drinking a cuppa. I had a couple of lovely native ponies that I had produced to a decent level but they were so wasted at the point I sold them. Your Arab sounds lovely!!

I equally enjoyed competing the dogs, that was also such a lovely hobby and I loved building the bond between us, watching the improvement over time. Working someone else’s dog just isn’t the same as you don’t get that relationship aspect. I can’t get a puppy while my youngest are so small though. I can’t imagine keeping them off a puppy all day long would be fun.

Same here. I love my children but Jesus Christ, maternity leave is utterly, utterly bleak. Every day the same. Boring boring boring.

I went back to work part time both times at four months PP.

I was very, very lucky to have great sleepers, 12 hours solid from eight weeks, both times. That made a huge difference and I never felt like I’d lost myself or that my brain was ‘mush’.

I also made sure that I took them out every single day to get them and me used to it. I took them (newborn and toddler) on a commuter train into London, and then on two tubes each way, to meet my colleagues when my baby was two weeks and I’d had a csection. I thought if I could survive that, I could survive anything.

You need to take time for yourself. Even if it’s going for a run or doing a workout (or craft if that’s more your jam) after your H is back and they’re in bed. Force yourself to do it and you’ll feel better and more like yourself.

Also work in the 4am wake ups. Because that’s madness.

Maybe when your children start school you could horse share? I did that pre-children when I was miles from home & too broke to own my own horse. I shared a beautiful thoroughbred for years, such happy memories. You can then get some consistency in working towards goals, but without such a full on financial and time commitment.

Don't feel guilty for not loving the baby & toddler stage, I found it pretty rough. I loved primary school age onwards, once they were out there with their own little lives to share with me it is was so much more rewarding & I felt less like a sleep deprived zombie.

Hi OP, no solutions I'm afraid, but a lot of solidarity from me. I love my children to pieces but motherhood just doesn't give me a sense of fulfillment or achievement. I'm also totally crap at craft/creative hobbies!

My youngest is 3 now and I'm determined to try and get back some sense of my own identity this year.

I am at work but I work unsocial hours around the DC so I’m at home most days with them. It has to be this way because of childcare costs. I try and do activities etc but it’s utterly soul destroying with the 2yo especially, everything is such hard work. I enjoy my job but it’s not the same as doing something I want to do by choice.

The 4am wake ups kill me, we’ve tried everything believe me! It’s the youngest who has never slept more than a 4 hour stretch since birth. He doesn’t need sleep like a normal person!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I had 3 kids in 3 and a half years and I completely lost myself for a while! I was still happy being their Mum and I have a happy marriage but I just felt like life was Groundhog Day for years!!

They are 6,4 and 3 now and all in school and pre-school full time. I definitely feel like I have a little bit of myself back. I can go for lunch with friends without losing my mind over one of my toddlers spilling a drink all over the table and I have joined the gym!

It takes time but you can get a bit of yourself back eventually :)

Huge hugs op, I used to work with horses and then left them for a stupid ‘real life’ job and then thought I could afford riding at all and then had kids so actually couldn’t. To get my fix in the last few years I’ve started visiting stables and this year am riding- probably won’t even be every few months but one hour and I’m my old self again. When they all start school it honesty changes everything and while there’s different stresses, you’re not in the zombified state you were. I’d say get as close back to your hobbies as possible x