To want my hobbies back

[Maneandfeathers]

I have 3 DC, 8.2 and 1. They are very full on and intense, still wake through the night. I have them all week 4am (thanks DC3) until 7pm when DH comes home. I also work 24 hours around school runs etc. The younger ones will be going to nursery once I get free hours as I can’t afford to send them otherwise (one in April, the other the following)

But I’m so so so bored! I feel like my brain is mush. My days are spent waiting until 7pm doing the same thing over and over.

Obviously I can’t leave my DC or children but is it normal to have completely lost yourself as soon as you have children? If you’ve been through this how long until you can get anything back for yourself? I feel like I’m just childcare rather than a person.

Just because it’s always asked. I used to own and compete horses. I sold those after DC2 as it was impossible financially. This is something I know is probably never possible again but I’ve lost a huge social aspect there. Horsey people will understand

My other hobby is dog agility and fly ball. I don’t have a dog to work at the moment as mine are older and broken (still love a walk but can’t compete for health reasons) A puppy at the moment would make things harder so that’s out until I have time to really put into that. My dogs wouldn’t manage one of the less agile sports and are happy enough just being family dogs at home 😄

I’m really outdoorsy, my children aren’t. They all cry the second they go in the pram (or are made to walk in the case of DC1!)

This will get better won’t it!? I feel selfish for feeling this way but it’s true. I should just enjoy my children but I can’t.

Oh…DH hasn’t got any time either so I can’t even blame that!

Always remember, you are not alone. Time goes fast, plan activities you can do together but sometimes you have to be a little selfish and do something for you. As a single [widowed] father of a 12 and 15 year old, I totally get it. You and your family are a team and you'll only regret the things you don't do. Tell your husband how you feel and enjoy the time you have together. Make those memories, laugh together and just have fun!

I feel very similar to you, my little one is 3 and when I haven't got her I'm working. My husband is a teacher so this makes things a little trickier as he needs to do so much work at home too. My mental health also took a nose dive when I returned to work from maternity leave and declined steadily for 18 months until I started in a new role.
By the time my little one goes to bed (8pm currently as she will not drop her nap!) I'm just exhausted.
However, I've heard a lot about indoor walking and I've found some videos on YouTube that I'm going to start today. It's just the start though and I'm going to do a little bit more of 'me' things bit by bit.
I hope you get back to being you, and I hope I do too 😁

@MissLC so is mine. He’s very unreliable so I can’t commit to something as there’s always a meeting that’s ran over or a parents evening or marking he has to stay late for. He usually comes home around 7 (as he can’t work here because the kids won’t let him!) and then does bits at weekends. He has to be back home early some days because of my job so has to make that time back when I’m home.

Because we don’t really see eachother during the week I feel bad going anywhere alone on a weekend but maybe I need to just do it!

I hope you can find something to interest you too!!

What @GreyCarpet said, in spades.

I only have one child and found it hard enough to get back to hobbies consistently. I also had to make peace with making a choice about what I can pursue. But it’s not forever.

You need to find something for you.

It's a grind staying at home with small kids and it is much easier if there is something for you.

Weekends? Do you have friends still in the horsey world who you could help out?

@Octavia64 weekends are usually spent catching up, cleaning, shopping, running children to various activities/watching DC matches. DC3 does not like spending time with DH so screams the whole time I go anywhere which causes arguments between DH and I.

I could definitely go somewhere but it would require lots of planning.

Being a mother to young kids is boring and repetitive and mostly soul sucking. My DH was away last week so I had DD3 all by myself all week. Fine on weekdays as I work full time but I was on my own with her all day Saturday and my god the minutes passed so slowly. She’s wants constant attention and a playmate. All. Day. Long.

Luckily I do have time for hobbies (I fit them I whilst WFH) but I too had to sacrifice my horse as it’s too time consuming when you have kids.

When my boys were 5 and 4, I reached the same point you're at. I attempted to work for myself in-between nap times (initially) and then around scant childcare. My husband was very busy working away from home. I didn't feel like a person at all anymore. So I did something extreme (and in fact, back then I posted on Mumsnet about this and was told by some people that I was an awful mother and should have my children taken from me by social services.....)

Anyway, I ignored those people and went ahead with my plan. Which involved sailing across the Atlantic for a leg of the Clipper Round the World Yacht race. I have never worked as hard in my life to get to be able to go on that trip - whether it was fundraising for it, trying to get cover for my business, finding and paying for childcare to cover me being away for 6 weeks at sea plus 4 weeks of training. But I did it.

And it was the best thing I ever did. Not because it was fun - it was sodding hard work and challenging and I missed my kids.

But I kept waiting for a giant epiphany to hit me while I was sea, that would somehow magically tell me how to improve my life so that I felt better about the groundhog dayness of it all. I didn't get that magical insight until I got home, and immediately had to put on loads of laundry and make snacks for the kids and stepped straight back into mum mode as though I'd never been away despite having been an adventurer on the high seas.

The epiphany was that I realised I could do anything I set my mind to. Yes I had to do the tedious stuff like laundry and make meals that got ignored etc. But in the back of my mind, I knew I was no longer just a mum. I felt empowered and alive again.

My children incidentally had been well taken care of. They and all their little school/pre-school friends followed the race and learned about sailing and taking risks and having adventures.

So the point is, when they are super young it is exhausting and tedious. But start looking up and out at what you would like to do. And then make a plan to do those things. It doesn't have to be sailing across an ocean! But I thought doing that was impossible, and yet I made it happen. It might seem impossible now for you to do anything other than existing as you are, but everything is figure out-able. You are a mum and a human. Don't forget the latter part. It will help you enjoy the former far more.

Any reason you can't take the eldest riding to a riding school? My daughter started a bit younger than your eldest and competes in SJ. Loads if kids-friendly yards around. Our current yard is full of kids starting from toddlers. Don't wait until they are older to start your hobbies - just bring them along to horsey stuff now.

You are not unreasonable to want hobbies. Being a mum would ideally not mean the end of your previous life. I'm wondering why you can't pursue your hobbies at the weekend, though. You say "Obviously I can’t leave my DC or children" but I hope you mean you can't leave them for good. Could you maybe leave them for a few hours for a Saturday, and come back happier? You have a DH. He could do the same at a different time.

because men are enabled to progress and succeed on the back of women's hard work
Ain't that the truth!
And this is part of the reason that the birth rate is dropping, as women increasingly have opportunities to be financially independent they recognize that being a mother benefits men at the expense of women.

Find a share op, with your experience I'm sure loads of owners would bite your hand off for you to ride their horse once or a few times a week to school, hack or bring on. It may take time to find the right owner but there has to be someone out there to suit what you can contribute.
I am coming to the end of my second mat leave (sob) and have been determined to continue a share of a friends horse 2/3 times a week after I lost my own I'd had for over 10 years. Even if I don't ride just going to muck out & fill haynets is therapeutic.
I take my dc with me in the pram and carrier, if they are with me they are happy and are used to the routine now.
You can make it work somehow and your dh should support you in having the children for a few hours at the weekend - you facilitate his job so the least he can do is help keep your sanity in return.
Sorry about your early waking dc, mine did that for a few years and the mental and physical drain is hard to break out of. Routines change, children grow older and I hope to soon read a post from you with lovely details of horsey exploits!

@PTFswife that’s an amazing story!! I wish I could be like you! My dream was to start a dog kennel and go to crufts but that’s a fair way away 😄

@XelaM my oldest DC can’t stand horses. I had ponies when he was born and he moaned every second of being at the farm. I sold them in 2020 because dragging him up became a nightmare and the costs went up
so much during Covid!

@MuminMama sorry that’s a typo. I would never leave them forever 😄 half a day would be nice though

From one horsey person to another, nothing else will fill that void.

I had a couple of years out while I had kids, and totally recut my expectation. Previously I was doing the County show circuit with a fab ex racer having previously been a show groom. When my youngest was about 10 months I started fortnightly back at a riding school. It was enough to remind me who I was and ehat made me me. Sadly it was also enough to remind me that whilst I wanted to ride, a rising school pony wouldn't cut it. I bought myself a native pony when my youngest had just turned 3. I lowered my expectations and got a baby pony with a view of doing a mix of happy hacking, schooling, local competitions etc. It's been a massive challenge financially but it's been the making of recreating me. I work a 9 day fortnight and ride 3 times a week in my lunchbreaks when wfh or go for a longer hack on my day off. The kids aren't really interested and that's ok, this is for me!

Definitely take some time out on weekends just for you op!

This is why I was happy to be back at work full time! Love my girls to bits bit was so ready to be back in the workplace. I had an ace childminder so that made a huge difference - seems like childcare has got far more expensive and scarce in recent years. You're not alone, it does get better and when you can fit in things that give you extra joy and energy it improves the situation for everyone

Thanks everyone!

Are your husbands all supportive? Mine seems to pull his face, he seems to think because he works all week he should be able to rest at weekends not chase toddlers…

My DD is 20m and I used to be really into theatre and acting - used to tour in my theatre company and spend weeks at the Edinburgh fringe etc. I often feel very sad that I don't any of it anymore since having my baby as it was such a huge part of me.
You're not alone!

@XelaM my oldest DC can’t stand horses. I had ponies when he was born and he moaned every second of being at the farm. I sold them in 2020 because dragging him up became a nightmare and the costs went up
so much during Covid!

You still have hope to convert the younger two 😃 Then you can all spend your time at livery yards whilst eldest is at school/with friends

I hope so! I don’t know where I went wrong with DC1. He’s grown up surrounded by animals and can’t be bothered with any of them! He’s just has no interest at all. I think his ideal pet is a stick insect and that’s probably too much effort for him 😄

And none of your wishes are anything other than understandable, OP! But sure you realised that having three children, two very close together, and only working very PT, was going to impact your ability to engage in your hobbies? I only had one because the life you describe would kill me.

I don't think you should wait. Find a way to make your hobby or some alone time happen. Go for a run, go for a walk, volunteer at the RDA so that you can get some horse time in and hope you get a bit of riding in return. If you can't afford childcare, work more to afford it. Or is there anyone who can do a bit of childcare for you? What about weekends? Leave DC with your DH one morning a weekend and sod off to do your hobby. Don't be a martyr to motherhood.

I've got two DC and one on the way. They are 4 and 2. But I've never given up my hobby (horses) in fact I've really only taken it up properly again since having children since I need a break so much more.

My partner works full time, I am part time and about to have baby number two so will be starting mat leave. We both try and give each other a bit of time on our own at evenings and weekends for hobbies / general down time. Some days it's only 45min but that's better than nothing. There is no sodding way my OH would complain about work FT and not do his share of toddle care at the weekend. Partly because I would kill him! And partly because he realises that running around after a toddler all day is at least as hard as a full day of work, if not worse.

Maybe you need a discussion with your partner about expectations/ time for hobbies for both of you going forward?

I had a large gap between 1 and 2 because of financial reasons. I wanted to make sure I could afford to give them the oppertunity for interests etc and also to be able to afford childcare. A few months after I had DC2 I was very unexpectedly pg despite being on contraception so all that planning went out of the window! It wasn’t planned to have 3.

Also due to huge price rises (mortgage increases etc) that has meant my ability to be able to afford fun things or childcare has disappeared. With DC1 it was very much different, we were never bored but now everything is carefully planned out to the penny really.

Working more is difficult because of childcare costs, at the moment I work late/night shifts or just school hours and a kind grandparent helps for the time I leave until DH comes back. It’s hard work for someone in their late 60s though! Weekend work is possible but causes problems with DH as he can’t mark or catch up.

Honestly I would ask him. I'm sure looking after the kids for an extra night in return for a happier partner 4 nights a week would a trade he might be willing to do. He could get a night for activities too?