To want my hobbies back

[Maneandfeathers]

I have 3 DC, 8.2 and 1. They are very full on and intense, still wake through the night. I have them all week 4am (thanks DC3) until 7pm when DH comes home. I also work 24 hours around school runs etc. The younger ones will be going to nursery once I get free hours as I can’t afford to send them otherwise (one in April, the other the following)

But I’m so so so bored! I feel like my brain is mush. My days are spent waiting until 7pm doing the same thing over and over.

Obviously I can’t leave my DC or children but is it normal to have completely lost yourself as soon as you have children? If you’ve been through this how long until you can get anything back for yourself? I feel like I’m just childcare rather than a person.

Just because it’s always asked. I used to own and compete horses. I sold those after DC2 as it was impossible financially. This is something I know is probably never possible again but I’ve lost a huge social aspect there. Horsey people will understand

My other hobby is dog agility and fly ball. I don’t have a dog to work at the moment as mine are older and broken (still love a walk but can’t compete for health reasons) A puppy at the moment would make things harder so that’s out until I have time to really put into that. My dogs wouldn’t manage one of the less agile sports and are happy enough just being family dogs at home 😄

I’m really outdoorsy, my children aren’t. They all cry the second they go in the pram (or are made to walk in the case of DC1!)

This will get better won’t it!? I feel selfish for feeling this way but it’s true. I should just enjoy my children but I can’t.

Oh…DH hasn’t got any time either so I can’t even blame that!

He wouldn’t say no. Hes never been like that…but when I had the horses there was a lot of oh out again type comments. It wasn’t worth it by the end!

My partner is at work for 7 o clock every day of the week and still does the Saturday and Sunday morning wake ups. I do the overnights as she still doesn't sleep.
I do all of the drop offs in the morning and he does 1 or 2 pick ups.
He does most of the cooking and day to day cleaning
I do all the washing, most of the shopping and most of the weekly cleaning chores.
Broadly if it needs doing daily my partner does it. If it needs doing weekly I do it.
He does probably 1/3 of sick days and it's only not half because I usually do the first day and often she only has one day off as I don't work Wednesdays or she is back after a day.
We are renovating the house so I do more of the weekend entertainment but if we are both free we alternate through out the day depending on who is doing something that it's easier not to have her tagging along
We split the bedtimes 50:50. My partner often works whilst I do bedtime. He works in academia and never gets to switch off as urgent things can come through from collaborators or journals or funding bodies in the US at 5pm UK time that need dealing with before the end of the US working day. Some times his students or staff are in the lab until 10pm (something he very much discourages) but this means I had to be in regular communication with them until them leave.
I work 4 days a week usually 9 til just before 6 except on lab days which are once a month on average and I can't leave until I'm finished regardless of the time so he has to make sure he is available for nursery pick up and do dinner and bedtime. We only have 1 train and hour home so I can be home quite late if don't quite make a train home.

I took up cycling recently and find it is a little like going for a hack but the bike doesn't transport itself at 90 degree angles into oncoming traffic! It is the act of travelling somewhere outside that is enjoyable (obviously not as good as a horse, but still great). If it is remotely possible to pack two kids onto a cargo bike and get your eldest their own it might be doable. If you can take a packed lunch with you and find a like minded friend, you may be able to recreate some of the feeling of sitting on a bale of straw chatting away.

Can you hand over to your husband in the evening and get outside then? I know it will be dark, but you have had horses so are used to that!

Also push through with your husband. I took up swimming after a relatives kids stayed with us. The youngest was adamant that they wanted to go swimming. Everyone went as a result of that kid putting her foot down.

I realised I was being too nice not carving out time to fit in exercise for me. My husband has now switched from are you going again to when are you going and actively trying to get some time away from me! It has been good for both of us.

I totally get where you're coming from. I felt like this when DC were young, having competed in dog agility for many years and been very much part of that community, i was at a point where i didn't have a dog to compete with and DC were taking all my time - dark times. But it will get better - just make sure you take the opportunities to keep your hand in when you can - could you train to be a judge (either horses or dog agility)? (only if you can get childcare for weekend days). Could you get childcare so you could volunteer at something like RDA regularly? Even just being able to go for a nice long dog walk (without DC!) helps! My DC are now 9 and 6, and can come along to shows (and spend most of the day on their tablets!) or training, and I've got a dog to train (and now puppy) so am feeling much more positive. Beware that you will need to carve out time for you though even as they get older - I've been clear with DH that he needs to share a lot of the load taking DC to sports at the weekends as i'm not giving up 'me' again!

@FarmersWife3 judging is a great idea. Didn’t think of that!

In fairness to DH I couldn’t understand his frustration with the horses. I would go morning and night and was often bathing/grooming late into the evening to get up at 6am for a days showing the following day, returning at tea time. I would also always need to be back early whenever we did go out to get them in etc. It was a lot and impacted on us massively. Family wise the life balance is a lot better without them, the dogs are more intergrated into everyone’s lives whereas the horses were literally me and me alone.

He is supportive to a point. He told me yesterday to just get the puppy, but I don’t want to do something half hearted.

My dogs kept me sane when my dc were that age. Totally get where you are coming from, it's relentless.

If you've done agility with your dogs, and fancy obedience, but an evening class would not work logistically for you, why not set yourself some small training targets with them. Something like scent work, finding items in the house / garden - it has the potential to involve the dc as well as- as they can BE the hidden object, or be the person to hide it, once the dog has got the hang of it.

You could train some of the moves used in heelwork to music, the spin and turn, and through the legs. I assume they already do a reliable weave. This kind of training is best done is small doses, which fits with the stolen moments you get when the dc are asleep - or strapped in a high chair.

I totally understand that getting away from them would be preferable, but if that really is not logistically possible then you need to work within the confines you've got.

It does get better, you will get through this!

@Maneandfeathers don’t give up on yourself. Just because you have children does not mean you are not entitled to have access to something that is good for your mind, your body, and lets you be something other than a mother. When you have small children you almost instantly become ‘Xxx’s mum’ for everything. No sense of identity of your own. I found it very important to do something that gave me my own identity. It was hard though when the kids were little. Most men wouldn’t dream of giving up their hobbies, but women are almost expected to.

I had a horse I sold when pregnant with my second baby. I did the showing circuit with him, was very successful at County standard, but could not bear the idea of all the work that went with this with a baby and toddler in tow. Within months I was missing just having a horse and bought a little ‘nothing’ horse with the intent to just hack and have fun. He’s since gone on to be the greatest horse I’ve ever owned, and without being outing he has given me access to a hobby and lifestyle I could never have imagined.

I now have more horses than I need, and have a yard full of horses and helpers who I couldn’t manage without. I can thoroughly recommend the sharing route if you find the right horse - I found my most loyal helper (who has since become a great friend) through a Facebook post. Somewhere out there, there will be someone desperate for help with their horse a couple of days a week, who would bite your hand off if you offered knowledge, experience and enthusiasm.

I would go against the grain of all those who suggest taking your child to the stables and getting your oldest riding as a way of getting back into the horsey world. There is nothing more depressing than pony mothers who were once good riders themselves who have given up their fun and ambitions to sit on the side while their kids progress. This is not to say that you shouldn’t take your children riding if they want to ride, but don’t imagine that having a riding child will ever be a substitute for riding yourself if that is what you want to do. Your kids hobbies are a separate thing and while they can be the same as your hobbies, they should not be instead of your hobbies.

It is hard when they are little, but stick at it. The poster above who suggests judging and organising is also on the right track - I have several friends who do this while their children are young, and it’s a great way of making friends and keeping in touch with the sport while you are not able to compete and train yourself. As a volunteer you will be one of the most popular people around!

Completely get you. I used to share a pony, and MIL and SIL are very horsey - but they take so much time! The dogs are easier. Ideally i'd spend my time outdoors with animals, but it doesn't pay!

If you start judging, you can always see if the family want to tag along and go somewhere local to the show for a day out with DH while you are judging - makes it more fun for them maybe?

I'd also want to be sure it was the right time for a puppy - but no harm planning and researching - if the DC will be in nursery more in a year or so, then it really helps to plan and put your name down for a puppy with one or more breeders you are keen on in advance for any future litters. Gives you something to look forward to! (the DC going to childcare shouldn't just be so you can work more- life is too short!)

Sorry that last post was meant to say I could understand where DH was coming from with the horses 😄 autocorrect! I would have been annoyed if he went twice a day plus most of the weekend to a hobby so I could see his point.

I already have two dogs, I walk them obviously but they are getting on now. They both would rather be lounging about rather than going training etc. Ones a nervous soul too so just not worth stressing her. It’s just the logistics of having 3 again, it’s a lot harder as it would mean a second walk etc.

I feel strange turning up to shows without a dog (or a pony), I suppose volunteering might take that away!

I actually did a few dog behaviour and training courses online a few years ago but haven’t put anything into practice. Maybe I should.

DH and the children are happy to be dragged to agricultural shows and the like. DH doesnt mind dogs but he really dislikes horses 😄

I don’t think you’re missing a trick as such but I guess it does depend on what someone does for work and how flexible it is. Honestly I find work a bit of ‘me time’!

I must confess the amount of time and effort to do well in showing can suck some of the joy of horses right out of it when you have small kids. It was a light grey heavyweight county show hunter I sold when pregnant - the idea of cleaning the mud off him one more time was soul-destroying, even though I had always enjoyed showing before. OH was definitely not on side when it came to me just ‘going to give the horse a quick wash’ because he knew it would mean me coming back 4 hours later, covered in all the dirt I had got off the horse, soaking wet and grumpy. 🤣

I have done scribing for affiliated dressage judges, being an unaffiliated showjumping judge, organised fun rides, and been a route setter for TREC (a role which I have done the formal training for) since having children, and it is certainly enough to keep you involved in the horse world. It’s also given me insight into how events are organised, and eventually helped me be a better (and hopefully more appreciative) competitor. Perhaps if you want to stay in the showing world at a higher level, you could consider qualifying as a judge in the area you were in before? If you aim for ride judge, it would keep you riding lots of different horses in the show ring with non of the responsibilities of owning one! Not ideal if you are a competitive sort yourself, but will make you a stronger rider and competitor once your children are old enough for you to get back into it. Arabs, hacks, hunters, cobs, etc all need ride judges, and at unaffiliated level you could end up riding and judging the whole lot!

But a word to the wise - try a ridden sport other than showing. I was amazed there was a whole different horsey world outside the agricultural circuit. 🤣 And a lot of it was more fun and less bitchy.

@backinthebox that was exactly my husband when I said I was popping to the yard ‘for an hour’ He knew it meant see you in 4 but he started to get really resentful by the end. Especially so when I had a huge vet bill the week before Christmas… Once Covid hit there was no showing so it all felt a bit pointless.

My passion was natives. I’m a bit of a wimp when it comes to jumping and galloping around so prefered the floor 😄

Yes, having kids is a menace to your social life and your free time.

It does get a bit better.

Refusing to sacrifice time with my horses was no1 reason for never having children. Sorry OP, but reading posts like your cements my decision!

My friends that have horses and children have amazing husbands who support them time wise, so no issue at all with them going twice a day and competing lots.

I also have native ponies and do showing, i can't imagine ever not, definitely advertise to see if you can get your horsey fix.

Our yard (and the previous two yards we've been at) is full of kids, so it's definitely possible to combine both 👍 otherwise there would be no horsey dynasties

Yes, it is possible to combine them. I’m speaking here as a regular international competitor, and also as the mother of a child ranked among the top riders for her age group in the world, so I feel I am reasonably well equipped to talk about it. But here is what I am saying - if I had stopped my own riding because I had babies and then attempted to insinuate myself back into the world of riding by the route of being enthusiastic mother to a rider, I would not have done the things I have done in my hobby and DC would have been a mediocre and possibly dissuaded Pony Clubber. Because I set my own goals - for ME, not as somebody’s mother, I have achieved more and felt more enjoyment from my hobby than I would have done otherwise. Yes, there are lots of kids riding, and yes, there are some riding mothers who ride with their kids successfully but for the most part riding mothers who think going to the yard to get their kid into riding as a way back in themselves always seem slightly dead-behind-the-eyes women who had hobbies of their own once. OP wants a hobby of her own, not one that involves her taking her child somewhere. If later on the child wants to give riding a go, then great - but as a separate thing to her hobby. Hopefully I’ve explained this clearly enough. Successful dynasties are not made by mothers giving up their own hobby to engage their child in it instead.

My DC may have represented their country and won a national title 3 times, but it is only in the last couple of years that I feel it is a hobby we can do together - just as they are getting to the age where they are not interested in doing the same things I do anyway!

Well done to you and your daughter! I didn't mean give up on your own dreams in favour of your kids'. I just said that horse riding is not incompatible with having kids and being able to bring them along. It's quite a family sport.