Aibu to my colleague

[Lilllypad11]

I work with a colleague who is morbidly obese and has gone through some horrible and challenging situations in life. Which are hard, she lost her partner and raised kids alone, she lost her mum and sister closely and then her daughter has a life limiting illness.

I feel awful for her. She’s really gone though it. But, she’s just quite a negative person to be around. She’s never happy with work and never happy with things in general. She’s just always fed up and I get that she’s probably just depressed but as a team when you work together it’s really hard to stay upbeat when someone else is huffing and puffing in meetings all the time or is just generally hating everything at work.

I sit next to her and bear the brunt of the negativity. I told my colleague this once and this info found it’s way to senior leadership who pulled me aside and said “hey you okay anything bothering you lately” and they then said “look we know colleague x has been negative lately we’re putting things in place”
now my issue is I don’t want to be seen as a bully because I can’t always have the capacity to listen to someone’s issues. But I got really scared when that info got to them. I said “look I’m not being nasty about it. It’s just, I remember at the start of the year my ex of 6 years cheated on me. I took a week out and then had to bounce back. But sometimes I feel colleague x is just not feeling positive generally”. I got scared to be honest as I really want to be in senior leadership some day there and I would hate to be seen as a bully.

also I mentioned in this post she’s morbidly obese. She has a very strong odour that actually causes people to wretch when they walk past. It’s quite uncomfortable. She’s diabetic. But the odour permeates the room.

AIBU for feeling fed up.

YANBU. I would advise putting on headphones to drown out and discourage anyone moaning but that won’t help with the smell. I wouldn’t be able to cope that.

Is there anywhere you can move to?

Well, yanbu because she shouldn't be bringing her problems in to work.
Yabu because, did you really just compare your boyfriend cheating on you to all the shit she's been through?
And yabu for bitching about her with other colleagues.

Your colleague has problems that are not of her making. She needs support which the management team is aware of.

You need to manage your reaction to her low mood, maintain your own good humour and professionalism.

There is no need to discuss her with your colleagues, use headphones to maintain your own concentration and you can manage her hygiene problems by opening a window. One of the skills of being SLT is to get the best out of people, not pick on them.

Why is op feeling affected by the negativity being a bully?

You need to stop talking about people behind their backs to their colleagues. As you can see, it gets around when you do that. If you have issues with this colleague that you don't feel comfortable addressing with them directly, take it to your manager. Don't gossip.

Wow! With such supportive colleagues who needs enemies?
You have, on a public forum, outed this poor woman as;
Morbidly obese
Smelly
Diabetic
A miserable and negative person
And you're worried you will be seen as a bully?

I think this when your line manager spoke to you this was a good opportunity to say - yes , unfortunately I am being affected by the constant negative attitude of X . Although of course I try to be kind , it is impacting me . Also , I’m really sorry to say this but in confidence - her body odour is very strong. This has been noticed by many colleagues. This is awkward to say but I would be more comfortable sitting somewhere else in the office.
I would actually go back to your manager and say this. You can just say you were put on the spot when you last spoke but on reflection really need to chat again.

Her partner, mum and sister have all died and her child will die and your complaint is that she’s a bit negative? And that you managed to “bounce back” after being cheated on so why can’t she get over it?

Also OP - you are not a bully. No one wants to spend a lot of time with someone who is constantly negative with a pervasive body odour. I think OP was just trying to explain the odour issues by saying morbidly obese with diabetes.

You've done precisely nothing wrong. You are absolutely allowed to make a comment about another person who is negatively affecting your ability to work and you have the rightful expectation of not having to tolerate vomitous smells.

Obviously she has very good reasons for bringing her issues to work. I sympathise with her, anybody would.

But her issues are not your doing.

But now that they know, do make sure you don't continue to bring up anything you are feeling about her as it could then be construed as gossiping. I'd be asking to move if possible and do anything else you can to keep strong boundaries between her and you.

Not being her counsellor, support network or tolerating the intolerable is NOT unkind or unprofessional. Obviously, you wish her well, but it's not in your capacity to fix her issues and you are not being paid to try.

No where I can move no:(

Yeah see this is what I said to my manager “I like her but I feel like she’s telling me things I’m not qualified to help with”

my manager is exhausted by it too. We’ve said it brings team morale down. I do sympathise but it’s hard. I also feel like my other colleague has a tendency to keep meaning too so frustratingly that made it up to SLT and they asked me if anyone was bothering me. I actually said no immediately and the SLT member said “it’s colleague x we know she’s very negative. We are going to be looking at getting her external support” I said “did Jessica tell you (eye roll) I’m not annoyed with colleague x it’s just that I feel sometimes we’re all trying and that no matter how hard I try, i can’t bring her morale up”

This thread makes me feel I am. I just meant I have my own things happening in life and I can’t be a therapist to someone at work it’s draining.

Does your work have a bereavement support policy or EAP? Those would be appropriate places to talk about out of work issues. If things are negatively impacting her mental health then she may need reasonable adjustments to make things easier.

If some of her negativity is related to work issues (you mentioned some behaviour in meetings) then that needs to be addressed by management so that you aren't getting the bulk of it.

It's not only not your job to try to counsel her, it could be harmful. If she has serious issues and you get involved you could end up making things worse for both of you. I'd stay well clear.

Based on the information given, you are definitely NOT a bully, people talk an awful lot of shite on this site at times.

You're allowed to be human and have a normal human conversation and make a normal comment on someone who is bringing her problems to your desk.

Based on what you've told us, you've done nothing wrong. I'd try to stay as far away from all of it as I could from now on. Hopefully work will see to it that she is offered support.

Poor woman. I'm amazed at her strength in getting up to face another day.

Bless her I do feel for her, she's been through a lot. You can report the odour, and a manager can have a word about her hygiene. If she off loads to you I'd say everytime, I'm really sorry but this is making me too sad. You should see a counsellor. She'll soon stop trauma dumping on you and should find a counsellor, which she badly needs right now.

Ummm, all the things listed are facts. Not opinions.

its okay to have fact based lists about other people.

being kind is not helpful here

Oh my. That poor woman. Reading what she has been through it’s no wonder she is low.

Gosh yes because now we all know exactly who this woman is.... Oh wait....
OP is putting it here instead of saying it to the woman's face 😫

Her life sounds very hard, no wonder she's no ray of sunshine. When you say negativity I'm wondering what you mean exactly? If she's always chipping in with digs and remarks I could see why that would be annoying. If she's just permanently melancholy then leave her to it. She's struggling. And having her colleagues talking about it won't be helping.

You know you gossiped about her and now you seem more worried about how this makes you look than how she might be feeling.

This poor lady has had a horrible time of it and needs professional help.
You are not a professional and it's not your job to help her. So it's OK to not help her and probably you need to try to mentally distance yourself e.g
Sandra, really sorry but my manager had given me a task I need to finish urgently
Sandra, can we chat later please I'm just trying to finish up this piece of work
Etc

If you want to be helpful, make sure she is aware of the various employers support that may be available to her (many have an employee assistance programe with counselling etc) and then I think you need to leave it to the professionals given she has suffered severe emotional trauma by the sounds of things.

If the odour is bothering you then raise that to your line manager, it's not for you to deal with directly.

Negative colleagues are really difficult to manage. I have one and it's really getting me down. I absolutely love my job until I speak to them. Your poor colleague has been through the mill but I can fully appreciate the negativity would get exhausting.

I think you need to need to keep trying to turn the conversation around whilst awaiting intervention from management- ignore the negative stuff and either just keep working and don't engage by saying you need to concentrate, or abruptly change the subject.

If OP had just focused on the negativity and smell but mentioned nothing about the other things going on in the woman's life I have a feeling the responses would be very different.