Aibu to my colleague

[Lilllypad11]

I work with a colleague who is morbidly obese and has gone through some horrible and challenging situations in life. Which are hard, she lost her partner and raised kids alone, she lost her mum and sister closely and then her daughter has a life limiting illness.

I feel awful for her. She’s really gone though it. But, she’s just quite a negative person to be around. She’s never happy with work and never happy with things in general. She’s just always fed up and I get that she’s probably just depressed but as a team when you work together it’s really hard to stay upbeat when someone else is huffing and puffing in meetings all the time or is just generally hating everything at work.

I sit next to her and bear the brunt of the negativity. I told my colleague this once and this info found it’s way to senior leadership who pulled me aside and said “hey you okay anything bothering you lately” and they then said “look we know colleague x has been negative lately we’re putting things in place”
now my issue is I don’t want to be seen as a bully because I can’t always have the capacity to listen to someone’s issues. But I got really scared when that info got to them. I said “look I’m not being nasty about it. It’s just, I remember at the start of the year my ex of 6 years cheated on me. I took a week out and then had to bounce back. But sometimes I feel colleague x is just not feeling positive generally”. I got scared to be honest as I really want to be in senior leadership some day there and I would hate to be seen as a bully.

also I mentioned in this post she’s morbidly obese. She has a very strong odour that actually causes people to wretch when they walk past. It’s quite uncomfortable. She’s diabetic. But the odour permeates the room.

AIBU for feeling fed up.

You job at work isn’t to be this woman’s councillor or support. It is one thing to lend and ear to a colleague who is having a bad day, it is quite another to be an Agony Aunt to someone who is relentlessly negative day in day out.

Senior leadership have a responsibility to this woman- you do not. But senior leadership also have a responsibility to you. Personally I would give it a fortnight and then ask for a chat with the manager who said to you that things are being put in place, and say you are finding her difficult every day. They might be able to get you a meeting room to work from some afternoons to give you a break. Or they might give her a chat about professional standards. There are lots of things they can do. Your mental health should not be suffering because of this woman’s issues.

This woman has been through a lot. She probably needs some professional help. It can be very draining for others to listen to it day in, day out, while trying to be sympathetic. The reality is that other people's patience has a tendency to run out.
Regarding the body odour, if people are wretching when they come close then it's a serious problem and needs to be addressed in a firm but sensitive manner

@VestibuleVirgin where has OP outed her colleague? Has she given her name, or the name of the company?

They obviously know about it and will do something. Whatever that may be.
But someone needs to speak to her about the BO. It should not need to be you, it needs to be line manager or the head of department.
I had a colleague who was lovely, very positive, but she initially had dire BO (morbid obesity and other health issues). Someone did say something and it miraculously improved. Once the BO side is calmed down, use headphones and just say how busy you are whenever she starts saying stuff unrelated to the task at hand. There's a chance they might 'manage her out' or she might leave as she does sound so unhappy.

@MumblesParty I think it would be pretty bloody obvious to the person and her work colleagues if any ready this

I agree, she's been through a real real tough time and is probably finding everything difficult and then having your colleagues bitching on top of all that can't be pleasant. Not sure what the answer is, as she is still going through the mill as her daughter has a life limiting illness and knowing your going to lose your child, I just can't imagine.

I didn't say they were opinions, just repeating what OP had listed as this poor woman's problems

I think the point is Jessica (eyeroll) is unable to support you through this (any may in fact be fed up of you mentioning it) and when someone who can actually do something about it approaches you you brush it off. That's what makes it unkind. It's bothering you enough to bitch to your colleagues, but not enough to tell your manager that it's effecting you.

Bloody hell the poor woman. Yea it must be wearing for you but be glad you’re not in her position. You can’t possibly compare your bounce back situation for the shit that is her life!

OP, it's not unkind to be unable to absorb someone else's pain without it giving a detrimental affect on your own mental health.

Your management team need to remember they have a duty of care to you too. I'm not sure what the solution is, but it's way above your pay grade I suspect. I'd ask for a meeting and share how difficult you're finding X's unhappiness, that you're really trying to be a good colleague (colleague, NOT friend) but that it's affecting you, you're emotionally exhausted and can't keep it up for much longer.

The solution is theirs to find.

Re the smell, get a little oil reed scenter for your desk. A quid from asda.

If these are all facts, the OP isn't being a bully. She is equally entitled to work in a pleasant atmosphere that doesn't smell.

@VestibuleVirgin seriously? But even if by some unbelievable freak chance the woman herself read the post, how has OP outed her? Who else would know who she was? And even if someone reads it and thinks “hang on, that sounds like my friend Sarah” - well, they already know Sarah don’t they, so OP hasn’t told them anything they didn’t already know. Outing someone would be saying “there’s a woman called Sarah Smith who works at xxx place, here’s a photo of her, she’s really negative and she smells”.

Believe or believe it not it's a small world, I have identified a couple of people on here.

She hasn't 'outed' anyone because we don't know who this woman is. Don't be ridiculous.

But that's not the point.

The people around her at work are her colleagues, not her therapists, and whatever she's going through, she shouldn't be sharing her unhappiness day after day with people at work. Her work colleagues can't be expected to absorb her emotional difficulties day after day and she also shouldn't be constantly moaning about work or making meetings tense and awkward by rolling her eyes and sighing etc.

Did you learn things about them that you didn’t know, like the fact that there were obese?
If anything, it’s the OP who’s at more risk if someone identifies who her colleague is in real life. Because they could then identify OP in real life, search her previous posts, and find out all sorts about her. The colleague, however, will have no secrets revealed, because presumably in order to figure out who she was, the people reading will have had to know these facts already!

So I’m wondering how OP’s post could “out” her colleague. Genuinely intrigued to know.

If op is at risk of being outed then if course the colleague will be outed.

I was pretty tactful and mentioned it to my manager. I explained I didn’t feel I was the right person to offer advice anymore. I’ve always listened to my colleague every day and been a shoulder for her tears. It’s just at the time she did this I had a lot happening personally and I couldn’t cope and my colleague over heard the convo

You need to speak to your manager in confidence and explain the impact it is having on you. Your poor colleague is having a dreadful time and you may not be aware of everything going on in the background at work and in her personal life, but it's not your job to support her. However, you can ask for support from your manager on how to deal with the negativity at work.

You’re NBU for feeling dragged down by negativity or being affected by her smell.

You ARE being unreasonable for bitching about her and for mentioning her ‘morbid obesity’ and diabetes like they’re somehow character flaws, when in fact, they’re totally irrelevant.

interesting that you started the post with “I have a colleague who is morbidly obese…” which is actually irrelevant to the rest of the post, and tells me a lot about you - i.e. that you’re either horribly judgemental or have posted this whole thing just to be goady.

I think it is, though.

She's saying 'There's a woman at work whose husband has died young, her Mum's died, her sister has died and her child is dying. I don't like how she is unhappy, neglecting herself, struggling with a potentially fatal disability of her own and still coming into work because she has to keep a roof over the head of her dying child - but most of all, so important it's the very first thing I say about her, SHE'S FAT. I want her to be told to have a shower and smile more or be fired'.

Hopefully, her managers are being more proactive and compassionate, as I'd be concerned that at the point she loses her child, she could be at high risk of ending her own life.

Agree.

And the fact she's so desperate not to be seen as a bully....

So… you are actually comparing her family dying and her daughter likely dying at some point in the near future to you being cheated on by a boyfriend??

Are you fucking serious?!

Also her weight and being diabetic is nothing to do with you.

You think you sound like a bully because you are.

Ive actually just re-read your opening post and you have actually said to a senior manager

“look I’m not being nasty about it. It’s just, I remember at the start of the year my ex of 6 years cheated on me. I took a week out and then had to bounce back. But sometimes I feel colleague x is just not feeling positive generally”.

How old are you - 12??

I’m not comparing experience. I meant I got help externally, I haven’t been unfair to my colleague she comes into my office often and will talk to me. It just felt she saw me as a therapist and every day I’d ask if she was okay and she’d say “no I’m fed up of this place now. The people are hard to work with and I can’t be doing with it” the issue is our job requires us to be very mobile, and she can’t move without help, she’s often late to work and now there’s a pattern of lateness, I haven’t bitched about her. I just said to my colleague I’m struggling to cope with my issues and listen to someone else’s.

I want to be able to listen but when it came to her crying to me near enough weekly then daily, I can see I’m not the right support mechanism for her.

since then they’ve offered external help for her to manage the issues. Manager is standoffish and doesn’t want to listen to her either, senior management have encouraged the colleague to get some support but she turned it down, so it’s really hard. Whenever we have team meetings about upcoming events she’ll express how she hates it.

I totally understand she’s going through it but I know I’m not the right person to help.