Aibu to my colleague

[Lilllypad11]

I work with a colleague who is morbidly obese and has gone through some horrible and challenging situations in life. Which are hard, she lost her partner and raised kids alone, she lost her mum and sister closely and then her daughter has a life limiting illness.

I feel awful for her. She’s really gone though it. But, she’s just quite a negative person to be around. She’s never happy with work and never happy with things in general. She’s just always fed up and I get that she’s probably just depressed but as a team when you work together it’s really hard to stay upbeat when someone else is huffing and puffing in meetings all the time or is just generally hating everything at work.

I sit next to her and bear the brunt of the negativity. I told my colleague this once and this info found it’s way to senior leadership who pulled me aside and said “hey you okay anything bothering you lately” and they then said “look we know colleague x has been negative lately we’re putting things in place”
now my issue is I don’t want to be seen as a bully because I can’t always have the capacity to listen to someone’s issues. But I got really scared when that info got to them. I said “look I’m not being nasty about it. It’s just, I remember at the start of the year my ex of 6 years cheated on me. I took a week out and then had to bounce back. But sometimes I feel colleague x is just not feeling positive generally”. I got scared to be honest as I really want to be in senior leadership some day there and I would hate to be seen as a bully.

also I mentioned in this post she’s morbidly obese. She has a very strong odour that actually causes people to wretch when they walk past. It’s quite uncomfortable. She’s diabetic. But the odour permeates the room.

AIBU for feeling fed up.

You don't have to help her, just don't make her life worse by slagging her off.

If you have genuine concerns about her then go to management and explain you're worried about her. It's up to them to try and support her.

But your op reads more like she's annoying you. And that you think she's fat and smelly. And that you've discussed this with colleagues and are ultimately more worried about how it reflects on you than anything else.

There are a lot of 'you shouldn't have to put up with that at work' comments here and in an ideal world that's correct. But maybe interaction with colleagues is all this poor woman gets.

I can see why it's frustrating if she's not accepting help and her complaints about work are sort of vague. It doesn't really leave you anywhere to go with it.

I don't mind my Co-workers venting if they need to, but ideally it would be with the aim of improving the situation somehow. If I know exactly what is getting them down, then maybe I can intervene or offer a potential solution or just empathise and ensure that they feel heard.

But no one can just absorb bad feelings from someone else indefinitely without some kind of relief.

I personally come off anti depressants at the time too. So I was really dazed and all over the place and my MH was pretty poor I was dealing with my own shitty internal battles. I just don’t want to come off as a bully. She’s a very negative person. Rightly so! But at the same time I wanted her to accept some form of help.

like for example some mornings I’ll come in and say “hi hope you’re okay” and she’ll just say “no I’m not” which again yes I totally understand. But just a little joy or positivity would be nice. It just helps the day go by.

We all need a shoulder to cry on. And I’ve been hers foe a while. I just sometimes can’t always cope with my own problems and those of others😢

It sounds like she's trauma dumping. No one is entitled to do that to someone, especially at work.

I'd get some headphones if were op and put a stop to the moaning conversations.

The mental health of the colleagues in the workplace is just as important as the mental health of the individual woman.

People are definitively allowed to draw work boundaries at work. We all have different levels of tolerance for mental health issues and grief and loss challenges.

This lady is not their relative or friend and they are not her mental health support. They are there to work so they can feed their families and keep a roof over their heads.

It is dangerous and often harmful to all parties to get involved in people's trauma dumping.

She is already leaning too heavily for support on people who did not agree to this scenario and who are not qualified to deal with it (understandable given her challenges).

But we should not teach people to ask us for too much. It's cruel to THEM.

Never say to a sad friend "Call me anytime, day or night" unless you are absolutely sure you can cope with that. Because when you overreach (usually out of kindness) and inevitably must eventually withdraw your support the person will feel far worse than if you had never offered in the first place.

As she can't maintain professional boundaries easily, the other adults must maintain boundaries out of kindness for her and care for themselves.

The OP has been self aware enough to realise she can't counsel this woman, that the trauma dumping is affecting her negatively and that she must maintain a professional distance. Good call.

The relationship between friends, relatives, work colleagues and counsellors and other supportive professionals is quite different.

Management can refer her to counsellors and she can be supported at work by a generally professional and pleasant atmosphere.

I feel for the lady, and hope she gets the support she needs.

I think, quite simply, I'd say if you don't want to hear the answer to "how are you". Don't ask. You can greet her "hello, good morning, bit rainy today isn't it?" But just don't ask how she is.

Bloody hell, all those saying that OP is a bully must be absolute saints.

This is a terrible working environment for you OP. Not just the constant negativity but also the odour. I couldn't work like that for 8 hours a day.

I do feel for the colleague, it's an awful situation for her but you shouldn't have to be miserable too. The company have a duty of care to all of their employees including you OP.

If you want to be in senior leadership team/managenent yourself, then this is the sort of thing you will have to manage.
she has had an incredibly tough time, and it’s natural that everyone in your workplace feels for her. However, the workplace is for work, and the work has to get done effectively. It is down to management to deal with this compassionately for this woman by putting into place appropriate support and diplomatically explaining that there are boundaries to the sort of behaviour that is ok at work. Of course, her emotions are going to spill out from time to time but if it’s all day every day it becomes very difficult for the group to function.
they need to be clear that she must access professional support (which management can provide and facilitate her attendance). She can’t continue to dump on everyone around her forever. It will eventually push even the kindest-hearted people away as it’s too hard to cope with Especially on a daily basis.
if she does access that support then hopefully her mood will improve and her self care too solving several problems in one go.
basically, what I’m saying is that management need to manage this situation. You need to maintain a pleasant and professional attitude throughout (ie no gossiping or bad mouthing). If you can demonstrate that you can deal effectively with difficult situations You have what it takes to be a manager.
I highly recommend ask a manager www.askamanager.org for amazing advice to a range of difficult and sometimes bizarre workplace issues. If you want to be in management it’s well worth a read.

In the meantime, anameisaname suggestion of not asking how someone is but pleasantly making non-emotional small talk and then getting on with your work is a good strategy. Be always pleasant and professional, keep your focus on your work.

Please don’t say this @Lilllypad11 thats incredibly insensitive. Something like
I am so sorry you’re going through all of this- it sounds like you are really struggling. Unfortunately I am not able to help and I am worried I would make it worse by discussing it further. I can make us a cuppa though and Manager X or another named person in your workplace might be free to talk just now?

Then ask your senior who is taking responsibility for signposting this poor colleague to the support that she needs.

This

like for example some mornings I’ll come in and say “hi hope you’re okay” and she’ll just say “no I’m not” which again yes I totally understand. But just a little joy or positivity would be nice. It just helps the day go by.

You bought that on yourself then. If you say "hope you're okay" your asking them to tell you if they are OK or not really. Otherwise why the fuck are you saying it??

This. All those joining in with each other calling the op a bully and telling her how awful she is, are hardly leading by example!

This. Just don't engage or get drawn in.

Can you work from home at all?