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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

LT partners will

106 replies

Championfancy · 17/03/2024 19:12

AIBU?

I have always been annoyed but not really able to say much about this but I am
not on my LT partners will at all. Nor his life insurance or pension benefactor or anything. We’re not married but been together for over 15 years and it started to grate on me that if something happened to him I could be left with nothing at all.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 17/03/2024 22:59

Championfancy · 17/03/2024 19:38

He has a will that I’m not named in. It’s set for everything to go back to his parents.
The children aren’t named either
I have brought it up and he ended up inferring I was money grabbing. So I left it there (and set anything in my name to go to the kids!)
I didn’t give up work but chose not to go back to work when kids were young and I would name him in my will if I had one, without hesitation

How have you set everything to go to your kids without a will?!

You need a will.

Crochetablanket · 17/03/2024 23:09

You seem staggering naive OP.
You haven’t got a will, didn’t know you can get a mortgage after age 40….. ?

Noseybookworm · 17/03/2024 23:23

I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with him at all to be honest 😕

ConstantastheNorthernStar · 17/03/2024 23:27

There are two separate issues here. If your relationship is uncertain if makes sense he would not want to leave you money - it's unfortunate that you have put yourself in that situation but he's not being ridiculous ("abusive" as per previous posters - really? Not every unwise decision means the other party is a criminal). But there is no way on earth that he should exclude his own children from his will - that's a fundamental breach of his parental duties.

caringcarer · 18/03/2024 02:06

You need to start saving up for a deposit for a house. Once you've got that you could let it out but it would be there for you if you ever needed somewhere to live. Your relationship doesn't sound very stable. Your partner doesn't trust you, is what it boils down to. Have you ever given him reason to believe you can't handle money well? Ask him to take out a life insurance policy on his death and name DC as beneficiaries. If he refuses it shows he doesn't love his kids either. Honestly I'd be considering leaving him and claiming CMS for child support.

donteatthedaisies0 · 18/03/2024 02:39

This is a very odd post 🤔.

Codlingmoths · 18/03/2024 02:53

You pay proportionally more but have no call on his estate? I’d book a relationship counsellor, say in the first session we have to say it here as if I jsut had the conversation he’d call me money grubbing and walk out. Maybe you can help him listen. I’m 53, we have two kids. I earn half what he does but pays in 60/40. If he died his will leaves everything to his parents, and the house is his and his parents so just reverts to them. I find it hard to look at him knowing our dc aren’t mentioned, and I need to save for my old age as I’m not in the usual kind of relationship and my partner hasn’t made any provision. Anything could happen to him and I have children and no house. So as of today I’m contributing $x less a month and if he doesn’t like it we will leave. I have changed my will which named him as the obvious thing, now it all goes to dc.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 18/03/2024 03:16

You really need to save up and look into buying a property / getting a mortgage…not just as a safety net for you but building assets for your children. I agree with others you have been quite naïve about your financial position - especially with family money and an unusual relationship set up.

Afforgato2 · 18/03/2024 03:22

Op do you pay into a private pension for yourself too ?

If not, I would investigate this

tiggersfamily · 18/03/2024 05:25

How convenient that he doesn't believe in marriage. What he doesn't believe in is becoming vulnerable to having to help you financially should you separate.

tiggersfamily · 18/03/2024 05:28

Championfancy · 17/03/2024 20:14

It’s unusual isn’t it, I’ve always been left thinking I can’t jump up and down like “give me your money” because I suppose I don’t really have any right to it. My focus will be saving for the children and of course my future just in case of the worst.

No, but you can leave a dickhead

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/03/2024 05:37

Mumdiva99 · 17/03/2024 21:32

I'm more confused than ever.
You aren't married.
You are on again off again but free to see and leave with other people.
And you wonder why you aren't named in the will to get some family inheritance?

Does he actually love you?

Have you always lived in the property rent free while seeing other people and on/off again? If so, poor kids!

ChristmasFluff · 18/03/2024 06:09

Imagine how little care you would have to have for your partner and children to do this to them.

That's what he thinks of you, OP. This isn't a relationship, it's a sham.

I got a mortgage at 49, or you can rent. Anything is better than being with someone who doesn't love you, and actually has contempt for you and your children.

And he's also a selfish cunt, to not care what happens to his own children. I couldn't look at his selfish cunty face every day if I were in your position

dancinginthewind · 18/03/2024 06:30

Is there some sort of trust structure going on which means that the land & properties aren't actually his to leave?

GRex · 18/03/2024 06:32

He and his parents would likely only ever leave the house and money to your eldest son regardless, if they have cut out his siblings.

It isn't clever to hang around with no will of your own, just set one up and get life insurance, you can at least do that for your children. I've no idea why you're dating other people, that's very unhealthy and will be contributing to your odd relationship dynamic; just focus for now on whether you can fix this relationship or not. If he isn't interested in setting out a provision for raising the children, then leave.

Redcar78 · 18/03/2024 07:04

Take out life insurance for him so you get something if he passes 🤷‍♀️

Quickcutter · 18/03/2024 07:18

Start saving OP. Get your ducks in a row. If you’ve a good paid job then insist that a portion of your wages must be put towards yours and your kids welfare should anything happen to him.

unsync · 18/03/2024 07:20

It sounds like there may be some sort of family Trust especially if there is farming land involved. If you are concerned about provision for yourself and the children if he dies prematurely, then the simplest thing is to take out a life policy on him. If he kicks off about it, just explain that you need it to cover his lack of provision via his Will.

DaphneMoo · 18/03/2024 07:24

It sounds pretty poor but stop being so passive and the life insurance is something you can do, due to a slightly similar situation ( but no joint children and I own property) I took out a life insurance policy on my dp which pays out to me in the event of his death.

WoodBurningStov · 18/03/2024 07:27

I think I'd start to make some very serious plans to financially secure myself, savings, pensions and also a house in your name. You're getting close to an age where you'll struggle to get a mortgage, so even a small flat might be an option.

Mumdiva99 · 18/03/2024 07:27

Having read your other posts, this doesn't seem like a long term partner. More the father of your kids who let's you live rent free. (I guess the upside for you is that you can use your income to live a different lifestyle from the one you can as a single parent. The downside is no security or property.... you make your choices)
There is no way you are getting a penny from him.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 18/03/2024 07:31

He's a shit parent if he's prepared to leave him kids unprovided for if he dies. Bad enough he's prepared to do it for you, doing it to his kids is pretty unforgivable. The least he could do is leave it in trust for them. Family house so he dies and his kids get kicked out? This is a hill Id be fully prepared to die on. Given his parents have already cut some of the kids out he can't argue they'd provide for their grandkids. He's failing as a father.

Revelatio · 18/03/2024 07:37

I think he’s being cautious probably. Considering you’ve been pining over another man for the last 6yrs who is in a relationship, and have another old flame who has been sending you naked photos, he probably doesn’t see you as a life partner. If you’ve been saying you’re single, that’s probably how he feels too?

I would start investing in your own property, if you earn £50k and only oay a share of bills, you should easily be able to afford a mortgage. I’m sure the grandparents will see to it that the children are ok. I would also consider leaving him as it sounds like you are unhappy with the current set up.

Lifebeganat50 · 18/03/2024 07:38

Championfancy · 17/03/2024 19:56

Our House belongs to the family, it’s been for generations

”the” family. Whose family?

I hate to say it, but if it belongs to his family and he predeceases you, you’ll be homeless. If his,parents predecease him, it’ll all go to his kids, not the government

tuvamoodyson · 18/03/2024 07:38

KERALA1 · 17/03/2024 20:46

So he dies it goes to his parents then passes under their wills presumably to his siblings? So he’s chosen to leave his house to his nieces and nephews and not his own kids. Very weird

…or his parents give to the children.