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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

51 replies

FaceCard · 17/03/2024 10:08

Feminism came up somehow this morning

DH commented "ah but feminists like you still like dinner being bought for them eh?"

I said "I don't think so. I've never expected dinner to be bought for me"

DH scoffed "you always want dinner bought for you by me". He was making jokes basically you're all feminisst until you want something paid for.

The thing is we haven't been for dinner out for about 3 years and due to him not working I've been paying for mortgage, bills and kids by myself for months.

I made the comment to the affect and now he's annoyed at me. Was I being unkind?

OP posts:
WhyLetThatBotherYou · 17/03/2024 10:09

The real question is why hasn't he worked for 3 years? Is he unable to?

accentdusoleil · 17/03/2024 10:10

Sounds like you were stating facts that hurt his male pride .

mulberrybag · 17/03/2024 10:11

There was nothing unkind in what you said - him however....! With the 'feminists like you' phrase it paints him in a pretty poor light as an equal. How does everything else look in your relationship whilst you're paying for everything?!

Kelly51 · 17/03/2024 10:11

He's got a cheek when he doesn't work, why is that?

Freakinfraser · 17/03/2024 10:12

That was a bit stupid of him since he can’t actually buy you dinner unless he borrows the money off you first.

howver on the basic premise yes I find it not feminist to expect a man to pay for you in the base case. Feminism is about equality in economic, political and social contexts, and it’s very unequal to sit there with your hand out, with equality comes paying your way.

BranchGold · 17/03/2024 10:14

He’s clearly got a large chip on his shoulder and getting to the quite unpleasant phase of lashing out to the hand that feeds him.

I wonder if he’s filling his unemployed days with Andrew Tate type content.

Picklestop · 17/03/2024 10:14

Freakinfraser · 17/03/2024 10:12

That was a bit stupid of him since he can’t actually buy you dinner unless he borrows the money off you first.

howver on the basic premise yes I find it not feminist to expect a man to pay for you in the base case. Feminism is about equality in economic, political and social contexts, and it’s very unequal to sit there with your hand out, with equality comes paying your way.

But OP has not sat there with her hand out expecting somebody else to pay. She has quite clearly said the opposite. 🤷‍♀️

ChihuahuasREvil · 17/03/2024 10:15

Tell him he’s quite happy to sponge off a woman for everything, and chance would be a fine thing about him buying you dinner. I’d also tell him to get a job or leave. You, OP, have a cock lodger.

jeaux90 · 17/03/2024 10:16

He sounds like a prick who has no clue about feminism.

A feminist would not expect a man to pay for anything.

And how very stupid of him to say that given current circumstances.

Does he usually pull his weight OP?

SBHon · 17/03/2024 10:18

My answer would usually be “of course it’s nice for us BOTH to treat each other to things. I’d like appreciation shown for me just like I show appreciation to you.”

But in your specific case you have bigger problems…

Original poster
FaceCard · 17/03/2024 10:19

He hasn't worked for a few months. But when he did work we weren't going out for dinner or anything. And times we went out before kids - it was always split. I just find it bizarre the narrative as it is so far from the reality. He then says "I was just joking FFS" but I find it frustrating that he would say "women like you like to be paid for" when it couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes he makes jokes about me and shopping/handbags which is so weird as im a scruff and have never owned any fancy bag in my life!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/03/2024 10:22

In general, he has a point. On pretty much every thread about first dates, a man is deemed "tight" if he doesn't pay for the woman. I've even seen people mention wanting "chivalry". Also threads about proposals.

which isn't to say it applies to you personally of course. It absolutely is a thing in general though.

Original poster
FaceCard · 17/03/2024 10:24

I guess he thinks I'm being unkind pointing this out to him as he was "only joking". Maybe it was unkind. But he's talking bollocks and I was frustrated

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 17/03/2024 10:26

FaceCard · 17/03/2024 10:08

Feminism came up somehow this morning

DH commented "ah but feminists like you still like dinner being bought for them eh?"

I said "I don't think so. I've never expected dinner to be bought for me"

DH scoffed "you always want dinner bought for you by me". He was making jokes basically you're all feminisst until you want something paid for.

The thing is we haven't been for dinner out for about 3 years and due to him not working I've been paying for mortgage, bills and kids by myself for months.

I made the comment to the affect and now he's annoyed at me. Was I being unkind?

Feminists like you?. Misogynistic.

Oc you can be feminist and have lunch bought for you...thats 'an' occasion... tell him unlike the mortgage etc that youve been paying single handed every month.

Loubelle70 · 17/03/2024 10:27

FaceCard · 17/03/2024 10:24

I guess he thinks I'm being unkind pointing this out to him as he was "only joking". Maybe it was unkind. But he's talking bollocks and I was frustrated

Tell him you both know its not joking and he's gaslighting you now. Saying things are a joke is an attempt to make you feel bad because he knows what he said is shit.

Marblessolveeverything · 17/03/2024 10:32

I really hate how feminist is thrown as an accusation.

Given his situation he made a rather ignorant comment. By all means I would call him out, it isn't banter to insult your contribution to ensuring your family are provided for. Partners raise each other up not tear them down.

Octavia64 · 17/03/2024 10:35

He's got more front than Blackpool saying that when you are paying for his whole life at the moment.

Lovingitallnow · 17/03/2024 10:38

Tell him to calm down, there's no need to be hysterical you were only joking. Then silence.

ChihuahuasREvil · 17/03/2024 10:38

I’d point out to him that if it wasn’t for feminists, women would be far less able to work outside the home and even more unlikely to bring in a wage capable of supporting a husband and kids, and he wouldn’t be getting his meal ticket paid for him.

PlumbersWifey · 17/03/2024 10:39

Hope you pointed all that out to him and sat him back in his corner.

KalaMush · 17/03/2024 10:40

YANBU. It's really annoying when someone says something that is untrue or unkind and then when you point this out they claim to be "only joking". Not a very funny joke, was it?

grinandslothit · 17/03/2024 10:43

He really has got some cheek when he couldn't afford to buy you a cup of coffee at this point.

Let me guess you work full time pay all the bills and do all the housework cooking and cleaning too.

Alcyoneus · 17/03/2024 10:44

To be honest, any man who doesn’t work, should be thankful for feminist, even the rabid militant ones. A traditional thinking non-feminist woman wouldn’t even touch an unproductive layabout who can’t earn a crust.

Original poster
FaceCard · 17/03/2024 10:55

that's true @Alcyoneus he has always been supportive of my career and ecouraged me to work more. and now he is taking a career break and struggling to work out what to do next. i'm actually happy being the breadwinner and know when he does find a job that 80% of the outgoings will still be down to me, but being the breadwinner and being told i'm a little lady that likes to be paid for....urm...NO! anyway he's all offended now. saying men who outearn their wives aren't allowed to point that out. but i was only pointing it out in response to his joke!

OP posts:
zaxxon · 17/03/2024 11:02

He must be feeling extra insecure, because of being between jobs. And so he feels the need to assert his masculinity/ dominance by putting you, the wife, in your place. Even though it's not actually your place at all! He's trying to rewrite reality to soothe his bruised ego. So incredibly irritating.

Don't let this go, OP, don't let him get away with it ... glad to see you've got 100% YANBU as of now